The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (90 page)

My gran always gets me socks for my birthday and Christmas. She says, “You can never have too many socks.” You can if you’re Heather Mills.

I can’t stand Heather Mills. I’ve tried, but she keeps falling over.

Heather Mills has made her will. She is going to leave 90 per cent of her body to science when she dies. The other 10 per cent will go to IKEA.

It’s a very sad world we live in when all people seems to want to do is make jokes about Heather Mills’ leg. Personally I think it’s prosthetic.

Paul McCartney once bought Heather Mills a new artifcial leg for Christmas, but it wasn’t her main present, it was just a stocking filler.

Paul McCartney was interviewed on TV about his failed second marriage. He was asked: “Do you think you will ever go down on one knee again?”

Paul replied: “Actually, I’d prefer it if you’d call her Heather.”

Heather Mills was given a plane as part of her divorce settlement. On her other leg she still uses Immac.

According to new reports, Madonna paid out £50 million in her divorce settlement with Guy Richie. That’s more than twice the amount Paul McCartney paid out to Heather Mills. She must be kicking herself.

After another outburst on TV, a psychologist described Heather Mills as “clearly unbalanced”. Later Sir Paul phoned in offering advice – a couple of beer mats under her left foot normally does the trick.

What’s the difference between Heather Mills and your car?

You don’t laugh every time your car has a breakdown.

Heather Mills: great tits, but totally shit at Twister.

A hitchhiker is standing by the roadside shouting abuse and making rude gestures at passing cars. Eventually a car slows down and stops and the driver says to him, “You’ll never get a lift like that mate.”