The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (85 page)

My grandmother spends all of her time out in the garden. That’s where we buried her.

My grandfather came out of the closet yesterday. He’s not gay, he has Alzheimer’s and thought it was the car.

I drove past my grandmother’s house and saw a dozen pints of milk on her doorstep. “Christ,” I thought, “she must be thirsty today!”

My grandmother has had Alzheimer’s for several years. I guess I should just be grateful for the £5 I get for my birthday every week.

My grandfather finally came out of his coma today. He’s dead.

I’m sure that wherever my grandfather is, he’s looking down on me. He’s not dead, he’s just incredibly condescending.

My grandmother refuses to grow old gracefully. Only last week she won first prize in a wet shawl contest.

My grandmother died on her ninetieth birthday. It was a terrible shame. We were only half-way through giving her the bumps at the time.

I call my grandad Spiderman. He hasn’t got any special powers or anything, he’s just really shit at getting out of the bath.

A grandmother complained to her grandson, “I find that the young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”

He replied: “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now, Gran.”

It’s been my job to give my grandmother her pill every day for the last ten years. She hates taking it, so I grind it up and slip it in her afternoon tea. Frankly the routine is a bind, but I’d never forgive myself if she got pregnant.

I got a Valentine’s Day card from my grandmother. It was very sweet of her, but unnecessary – we stopped having sex three years ago.