The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (94 page)

“Well,” replied the newlywed guy, “when we had fnished making love on the frst night, when I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a £50 note on the pillow without thinking.”

“Shit! That was bad!” said his friend. “All the same, don’t sweat it. I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can’t really expect that you have been saving yourself all these years!”

The groom nodded thoughtfully. “I still don’t know if I can get over this though.”

“What do you mean?” said his friend.

“Well, she gave me £20 change.”

After a whirlwind romance Frank decided to propose to his girlfriend, but before accepting his offer she thought she had to confess to her man about a childhood illness. She told Frank that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a twelve-year-old. Frank listened and, to her huge relief, replied it was okay – he loved her so much. Frank, however, felt this was also the right time for him to open up and admit to a secret he had kept from her. He looked her in the eyes and said: “I too have a deformity. My penis is the same size as an infant. I hope you can deal with that once we are married.”

“Yes! Yes!” she cried. “I will marry you and learn to live with your infant-sized penis because I love you so much.”

So Frank and his girl got married and they could barely wait for the honeymoon. Frank whisked her off to their hotel suite and they dived on the bed and started to tear at each other’s clothes. She put her hands in Frank’s pants, then began to scream uncontrollably and ran out of the room.

Frank ran after her. “What’s wrong?” he asked her.

“You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”

“Yes, it is . . .” said Frank, “eight pounds, twelve ounces and nineteen inches long.”

A woman approaches her doctor for some advice. “Doctor, I’m getting married this weekend and my fancée thinks I’m a virgin – which I am not. Is there anything you can do to help me?”

The doctor says, “Medically, no, but here’s something you can try. On the wedding night, when you’re getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it’s the sound of your virginity going.”

The woman takes his advice and after their wedding they retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, fnishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Just as he is reaching the vinegar strokes, she snaps the elastic band.

“What the hell was that?” yells her husband.

“Oh nothing, honey, that was just my virginity going.” “Well, can you ask it to come back, it’s got my balls on the end of it!”

A man met a woman on holiday and enjoyed a whirlwind romance. It was the best time of their lives. In a mad, impulsive moment he asked her to marry him right away.

“But we don’t know each other at all, what if we don’t get on?” she asked. The man replied that was a chance he was prepared to take: he had never felt that way about anyone before and was sure it would work and they could get to know each other during their marriage.

So the woman agreed and they were married. They were lazing by the poolside a couple of days later, when the husband said he fancied a dip. His new wife watched him as he climbed up to the very highest diving board and jumped off backwards. He did a triple somersault and double back-fip before entering the water with barely a ripple.

His wife was amazed and when he came back to her she clapped her hands and said: “That was amazing! I didn’t know you could dive like that!”

He replied: “Yes, I used to be an Olympic high diver and I was the British champion for ten years running.” They agreed that there was lots to learn about each other and that they were going to have loads of fun fnding out.

Then the wife decided to go for a swim. She dived into the water, swam twenty lengths butterfy stroke, twenty lengths backstroke, twenty lengths crawl, then climbed out of the water and lay on her sun lounger, barely out of breath. Her husband was astonished. “I don’t believe it! Were you an Olympic swimmer as well?”

“Nah,” she replied. “I used to be a prostitute in Hull but I worked both sides of the river.”

After Brian proposed marriage to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I frst got married to your mother, the frst thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because as they were too large. I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”

Brian took his dad’s advice to heart. On his wedding night, as soon as he and Jill alone were alone, he took off his trousers and handed them to her and told her to try them on. She did as Brian had asked and said, “What is the point of this? I can’t wear these, they’re far too large for me.”

“Exactly,” Brian replied. “I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that.”

Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said.

So Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your knickers,” said Brian.

“Exactly,” Jill replied. “And if you don’t change your fucking attitude, you never will.”

A newlywed couple arrived at the hotel for the frst night of their honeymoon. They cracked open a bottle of champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife saw that his toes were all twisted and discoloured.

“What happened to your feet?” she asked.

“I had a childhood disease called tolio.”

“Don’t you mean polio?”

“No, tolio, it only affects the toes.”

He then removed his trousers and revealed an awful looking pair of knees, all lumpy and deformed.

“What happened to your knees?” she asked.

“Well, I also had kneesles.”

“Don’t you mean measles?”

“No, kneesles, it only affects the knees.”

Then he removed his underpants.

“Let me guess,” said his wife. “Smallcox?”

A businessman found a card offering sexual services in a nearby phone box. Back in his hotel room he rang the number and a woman with a silky soft voice asked if she could be of assistance. “Yes,” he said. “I’d like a doggie in bondage gear, leather, PVC, whips, the lot. And then some hardcore spanking, rounded off with a blow job. What do you think?”