The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (74 page)

The girl looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” The man packages the frog and says quietly, “Just follow the instructions carefully.”

The girl nods, grabs the box and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her annoyance, absolutely nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet shop.”

So, the girl calls the pet shop. The owner is sympathetic: “Sorry. In fact I had some complaints about this earlier today. I’ll be right over.” Within twenty minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, “I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.”

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and says sternly: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”

A huge bloke walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman starts to pull him a pint, but can’t take his eyes off the guy, because on top of this huge, muscle-bound body the man has a tiny head, about the size of a peach.

So the barman gives the customer his beer and says, “You must work out, you have an amazing physique.”

“Thanks,” says the customer.

“It really is phenomenal. But if you don’t mind me asking, home come your head is so small?”

The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously felded this question many times. “One day,” he begins, “I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone shouting for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog sitting next to a stream.”

“No shit?” says the barman.

“Yeah, so I picks up the frog and it said, ‘Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.’”

“No shit?” says the barman.

“Anyway, so I looked around to make sure there was no one watching and gave the frog a kiss. The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, ‘You now have three wishes.’ So I looked down at my puny 120-pound body and said, ‘I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.’”

“No shit!!?” says the barman.

“Yeah. Anyway, she nodded, snapped her fngers, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped my clothes and was standing there butt naked. Then she asks, “What will be your second wish?”

“No shit!!?” says the barman. “What happened next?”

“So I looked at her beautiful body and said, ‘I want to shag the arse off you right here by this stream.’ So we made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, she whispered into my ear, ‘You do have one more wish. What will it be?’ I looked at her and said, ‘How about a little head?’”

At the end of a funeral service the pall bearers were carrying the deceased out, when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. Suddenly they heard a faint but unmistakable moan. They quickly opened the casket and found that the woman inside was still alive.

The woman lived on for ten more years before she finally died. Her funeral was held at the same place, and, at the end of the service, the pall bearers were once again carrying out her casket. As they were walking past her husband, he cried out, “Lads, watch out for that wall!”

A man was lying ill in hospital and was visited by his son. Suddenly, the father began to gasp for breath and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, then dropped the pen and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn’t remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and felt the note. He read it, thinking it might be something that could give him some comfort in his time of grief. It read: “Take your foot off my oxygen pipe.”

An elderly man lay dying in his bed when he suddenly imagined that he smelled the aroma of his favourite childhood meal, boiled beef and cabbage, wafting up the stairs. He gathered all his remaining strength and somehow heaved himself from the bed. Leaning unsteadily against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the kitchen door. Were it not for the fact that he was in terrible pain, for a few moments he thought he was already in Heaven. For there, sure enough, upon the stove, was something he had all but forgotten, his favourite childhood meal, boiled beef and cabbage.

Was it Heaven? Or was it one fnal act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he stumbled toward the stove, falling on his knees. His lips parted in anticipation of the mouth-watering meal, seemingly bringing him back to life. His raised his withered hand towards the food, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“You can piss off,” she said, “this is for the funeral.”

A young woman was married and had twelve children before her husband died. However, she was soon married again and had seven more children. Sadly, her second husband died. She remarried and this time had five more children. Alas, worn out by constant childbearing, she died.

At her funeral the preacher prayed to God, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply”.

In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you Lord, they’re finally together.”

One of the mourners thought about this and whispered to the stranger standing next to him by the graveside: “That was beautiful. But which husband was he referring to: the first, second or third husband?”

“None of them. He was talking about her legs.”

I hate it at weddings when some old dear prods me and says, “You’re next.”