The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (70 page)

After a steamy night of raw passion with this sensitive gentleman, they lie there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

“Well, how was it?”

He smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: “It was great. Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.”

What should you do when your blind date starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

I went on a blind date last night with a stunning girl. We seemed to have a lot in common and had similar taste in films, music and hobbies. It was going really well until she asked me if I had any children. Unfortunately, “Yes, thousands on my hard drive” wasn’t really the answer she was looking for.

I went out with a girl last week and she told me she wanted to be “treated like a princess”. So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a wall.

This bloke and his date were parked up in a country lane some distance from town when they started kissing and fondling each other. Just then the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy.

She replies: “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute and I charge £20 for sex.”

The man thinks about this for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets a £20 note out of his wallet, pays her and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out of the window.

“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25.”

I met this girl in the pub the other night. After several drinks, I said to her, “Would you like to sit on my face?”

She replied, “Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?”

How can you tell if your date is a macho woman?

She rolls her own tampons.

A man and woman meet at a speed-dating service. The man sits down and says, “I have just three questions.”

“Okay,” replies the woman.

He asks, “Do you like to clean?”

She says, “I love cleaning.”

He asks, “Do you like to cook?”

She says, “I love cooking.”

“Fantastic. I have one last question. Do you like sex?” She replies, “I like it infrequently.” He pauses and says, “Is that one word or two?”

I’ll never forget the first ever time I had sex. That’s because I kept the receipt.

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant, sitting opposite a stunning brunette who was alone at the next table. He has been checking her out ever since he sat down but didn’t have the nerve to strike up a conversation with her. Suddenly, she sneezed, and her glass eye few out of its socket in the man’s direction. Instinctively, he reached out and grabbed it out of the air and handed it back to her.

“Oh my God, I am so sorry,” the woman said as she popped her eye back in place. “Please, allow me to buy you dinner to make it up to you.”

The man was delighted to accept her generous offer and they enjoyed a wonderful dinner together. Afterwards the woman invited him to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, they firted. Eventually she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and perhaps stay for breakfast the next morning.

The following morning she cooked a beautiful breakfast and brought it to him in bed. The man couldn’t believe it was happening to him. It was his dream date!

“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every man you meet?”

“No,” she replied. “You just happened to catch my eye.”

What do you call a man who expects sex on the second date?

Slow.