The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (68 page)

“Go on, put two fngers inside me.” The man obliged.

“Go on, put your hand inside me.” The man obliged.

“Go on, put two hands inside me.” The man obliged.

“Okay, now clap your hands.”

The man replied: “That’s impossible!”

The girl said: “I know, tight aren’t I?”

What does an Essex girl do with her arsehole after sex?

She takes him down the pub.

How do you know an Essex girl is having an orgasm?

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. “I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up me dress,” she says.

“Come again?” says the clerk, cupping his ear.

“No,” she replies. “This time it’s mayonnaise.”

An ambulance arrives at the scene of a terrible air crash on the A127 just outside Basildon in Essex. The paramedic says to a girl passenger, “How many fngers have I got up?”

She screams: “FUCK! I’M PARALYSED!”

What does an Essex girl say after her eleventh orgasm?

“So, do you all play for the same team?”

An Essex girl goes to the police station to report a rape. They ask her: “Did you get a good look at your assailant?”

“Yes,” she replies, “I’m fairly certain he worked for the council.”

“How do you know that?” she is asked.

“I had to do all the work.”

How do you get an Essex girl into a lift?

Grease her hips and throw in a bag of crisps.

What’s the difference between an Essex girl and an empty crisp bag?

You only get one bang out of an empty crisp bag.

An Essex girl was involved in a nasty car crash and lay in the wreckage, trapped and bleeding. A paramedic arrives and says to her: “It’s okay, I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions. What’s your name?”

“Chantelle.”

“Okay, Chantelle, is this your car?”

“Yes.”

“Where are you bleeding from?”

“Epping.”

An Essex girl goes into labour and she phones for an ambulance. “My waters have broke, I’m having a baby!” she tells the operator.

The operator asks, “Where are you ringing from?”

The Essex girl replies, “From my fanny to my feet!”

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes, he calls his boss on his mobile.

“Boss, I’ve got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in the front grille of my truck. He’s still wriggling – what should I do?”

“In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun,” his boss tells him. “Shoot the pig in the head, and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush.”

“Okay,” says the farm worker.

About ten minutes later he calls back.

“Boss. I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.”