The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (193 page)

The next day, the seventy-five-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The old man explained, “Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand – nothing. Then with her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”

The doctor couldn’t believe his ears. “You asked your neighbour?”

The old man replied, “Yes. But no matter what we tried, we couldn’t get the jar open!”

Why is a man’s urine yellow and his sperm white?

So he can tell if he’s coming or going
.

What’s the difference between an Essex girl and an Essex boy?

An Essex girl has a higher sperm count.

What did one gay sperm say to another?

“How do we find an egg in all of this shit?”

One sperm says to the other: “How far is it to the ovaries?” The other one replies: “Relax, dude. We just passed the tonsils.”

I have just bought a racehorse called “My Face”. It is a crap horse but I can’t wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming, “COME ON MY FACE.”

Three men go on a skiing trip in the Austrian Alps. The ski lodge is overbooked so they all have to share a bed. The next morning, when they wake up, one guy says: “That was weird. I had a dream that this beautiful woman was wanking me off last night!”

The guy on the other side of the bed says; “No, I’ll tell you what’s weird – I had the exact same dream!”

The bloke in the middle suddenly looks worried.

“What’s wrong?” ask his pals.

He replies, “Last night I dreamt I was skiing . . .”

The snooker player Steve Davis pulls a groupie after a tournament and they end up, several drinks later, in his hotel room. Desperate to shag her idol she strips her clothes off and gets on all fours presenting her arse. Steve, being a man who likes to take his time, slowly unzips his trousers, meanwhile staring at the girl’s arse from every possible angle, moving from side to side and raising and lowering his head.

“Are you going to fuck me or what?” demands the girl.

“Defnitely,” says our Steve, “I’m just making my mind up if I should go for the easy pink or the tight brown.”

I was once asked to run a marathon and I replied, “No chance!” But then I was told it was for disabled and blind kids, so I thought “Fuck it – I could win that!
”

What’s brown and runny?

Usain Bolt.

What do you call a woman who can spread her legs from one side of a tennis court to the other?

Annette.

What is the toughest thing about roller-blading?