The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (197 page)

Smarties don’t blow up in the tube.

A Muslim suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise. Once there, he finds himself surrounded by seventy-two of the ugliest women anyone has ever laid eyes upon.

“What did you expect?” Allah says to him. “Why do you suppose they’re still virgins?”

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blow-up doll. The woman asks, “Would you like a Christian or a Muslim doll?”

Bemused, the man replies, “What’s the difference?”

“Well,” replies the woman, “the Muslim doll blows itself up.”

Two Palestinian mothers are sitting in the cafe, reminiscing over a pint of goat’s milk. One of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures. “This is my oldest son Mohammed. He’s twenty-four years old now.”

“Yes, I remember him as a baby,” says the other mother.

“He’s a martyr now, though,” the mum confides.

“Oh, so sad,” says the other.

“And this is my second son Ahmed. He’s twenty-one.”

“I remember him,” says the other, “he was so bonny when he was born.”

“He’s a martyr too,” says mum.

“Oh dear . . .” says the other.

“And this is my youngest. My beautiful Khalid. He’s eighteen.”

“Yes,” says the friend. “I remember when he first started school.”

“He’s a martyr also,” says the mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks at the photographs and says, “They blow up so fast, don’t they?”

How does a shoe bomber walk?

Very carefully.

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent and asked to speak to the manager. The boy went to see his boss and explained: “Some prick wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he realized the customer was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the sale and the customer went about his business. Later the manager called the boy into his offce. “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. I like people who think on their fleet. Where are you from, son?”

“Essex, sir,” the boy replied.

“You’re a long way from home. Why did you leave Essex?” the manager asked.

The boy answered, “Well sir, as my dad always said, there’s nothing but whores and footballers there.”

“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Essex.”

“No shit!” the boy replied. “Who does she play for?”

A woman was shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, six eggs, a carton of juice and a package of bacon. As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in the line watches her place the four items on the belt and says to her, “You must be single.”

The woman looks at the four items on the belt and smiles back at him.

“That’s right. How did you know?”

He replies, “Because you’re very ugly.”

Two lions are walking down a supermarket aisle. One turns to the other and says, “Quiet in here today, isn’t it?”

A prostitute goes to pay for her shopping at the supermarket checkout.

“I’m awfully sorry miss,” says the assistant, “but this £50 note is counterfeit.”

“Help!” she yells. “I’ve been raped!”

I went to the supermarket and when I got to the checkout my trolley was overfowing with items. Standing just behind me was a poor old lady with only a tin of peas and a few sausages in her basket.

I said, “Is that all you’ve got, love?”

Her little face lit up and said, “Yes, dear.”

I replied, “Well, fuck off to another till then, I’m going to be ages.”