The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (206 page)

The lawyer finished, zipped up his trousers and wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, “I graduated from Cambridge University and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.”

The window cleaner zipped up and, as he was walking out of the door, said, “I dropped out of North Staffs Polytechnic. But they taught us not to piss on our hands.”

Roses are straight,

Violets are twisted,

Bend over love,

You’re about to get fisted.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I’ve got Alzheimer’s,

This little piggy went to market.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Why give her fowers

When Rohypnol will do?

Roses are crap,

Violets are wanky,

Oh God I’ve just come,

Please pass me a hanky.

Roses are red,

It’s elementary,

Let’s ring up a friend,

And try double-entry.

Roses are shit,

Violets are crap,

Show me your clit,

And I’ll cum in your lap.

Roses are red,

Violets aren’t magenta,

If you have a baby,

I’ll eat the placenta.

Roses are awful,

Violets are the pits,

Lift up your shirt,

And show us your tits.

Roses are groovy,

Violets are funky,

I’m thinking of you

And spanking my monkey.

Roses are crap,

Violets are shit,

Sit on my face,

And wiggle a bit.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I’m using my hand,

But I’m thinking of you.

Roses are dirty,