The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (190 page)

The other fly replies, “Yeah, I know. I’ve been on the sick.”

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for female flies. One of them sees a hottie sitting on a cowpat so he buzzes down and sidles up next to her.

“Excuse me,” he asks, turning on his best charm, “is this stool taken?”

There’s no such thing as a free lunch . . . unless you’re a coprophiliac.

A little boy says to his dad one day: “Dad, where does poo come from?”

The father is a little taken aback that his five-year-old son is already asking difficult questions and thinks for a while how to respond.

“Well, you know we just ate breakfast?”

“Yes,” answers the boy.

“Well, when you put food into your mouth you chew and swallow. The food then gets smaller and smaller and goes down in your oesophagus, a long tube that goes down into your tummy. Your tummy then mixes up the food and liquid with the digestive juices produced by your tummy. The digestive juices help to break down the food so the body can process it properly. Then the food comes out of your tummy and goes into your small intestine. The walls of your small intestine are filled with little hairs or fingers that stick out, called villi. The villi take the nutrients from the food into the entire body. After it leaves the small intestine, it travels into the large intestine. The only stuff that’s left over when it goes into the large intestine is waste. The waste then comes out of your bottom when you go to the loo, and that is poo.”

The little boy stares at his dad in stunned silence for a few seconds, then asks: “And tigger?”

My son was terrified after accidentally swallowing some Lego. He was shitting bricks for days.

Two blondes walk into a department store. They go up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. One sprays it on her wrist and smells it.

“That’s quite nice, don’t you think?”

Her friend takes a sniff and replies, “Really nice. What’s it called?

“‘Viens a moi’.”

“‘Viens a moi’? What does that mean?”

The assistant interjects, “‘Viens a moi’, ladies, means ‘come to me’ in French.”

The first blonde takes another sniff, then says to her friend: “That doesn’t smell anything like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?”

A man was shopping in the men’s department at Harvey Nichols when he spotted a stunning female assistant behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, “Good morning, madam.”

She smiled pleasantly and replied: “And what would you like?”

The man said, “I’d like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight then run my hand up and down your arse and squeeze it. Then I’d like to run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet pussy, I’d like to rub it while simultaneously ripping your dress off with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly. What I ‘need’, however, is a new tie.”

My wife got run over on the way to the shops today. Luckily I found a tin of baked beans in the cupboard.

A woman was in Oxford Street on a shopping trip during the summer sales. She bought an expensive pair of shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor on the other end: “I’m sorry but your husband has just been in a terrible accident and is in a critical condition in the intensive care unit.” The woman told the doctor that she’d be there as soon as possible.

As soon as she hung up, it dawned on her that she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day’s shopping ever. It was a terrible dilemma. She decided to get in a couple of more sales before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a complimentary cup of coffee and a slice of cheesecake from the last shop. She was ecstatic!

Suddenly she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital and met the lady doctor in the corridor.

The lady doctor glared at her. “You finished your shopping trip, didn’t you? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself for the past three hours, your husband has been in the intensive care unit. Unfortunately it will probably be the last shopping trip you ever take, because for the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care and you are now his carer!”

The woman broke down and sobbed uncontrollably.

The lady doctor then laughed and said, “I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. What did you buy?”

A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.