The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (175 page)

What sits in the Columbine High School Library and goes “Shhh”?

The high school quarterback’s lung.

A nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word ‘defnitely’ in a sentence?”

A little girl says,“The sky is defnitely blue.”

The teacher replies, “Sorry, Susan, but the sky can also be grey, or red.”

A little boy says: “Trees are defnitely green.”

“Sorry,” interrupts the teacher, “but in the autumn, the trees are brown.”

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: “Does a fart have lumps?”

The teacher looks horrifed and says, “Johnny! Of course not!!!”

“Okay, then I defnitely shit my pants.”

Little Jimmy is sitting in class and the teacher says, “Today, children, we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

Jimmy puts his hand up. “Me, Miss, Me! Me! Me!”

“Okay, Jimmy,” says the teacher. “What is your multisyllable word?”

Jimmy says, “Mas-tur-bate, miss”

The teacher smiles and says nervously, “Gosh, Jimmy, that’s a mouthful.”

“No, miss. You’re thinking of fel-a-tio.”

The infants’ class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and tell it to the class the next day. When the time came for the children to give their reports, the teacher called them up one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon Jimmy, who had a reputation for being a little crude, but eventually his turn came. Little Jimmy walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard. He then walked back to his desk and sat down. The teacher couldn’t fgure out what Jimmy had in mind for his report, so she asked him to explain.

“It’s a period,” reported Jimmy.

“Well, I can see that,” said his teacher. “But what is so exciting about a period.”

“Buggered if I know,” shrugged Jimmy. “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then dad had a heart attack, mum fainted and grandad shat himself.”

Sally: “Miss, miss, Freddy Smith has got a dick like a

peanut.”

Teacher: “Do you mean it’s small?”

Sally: “No, it’s salty.”

Johnny returns to school one day after an unexplained absence. His teacher asks why he was away.

“Sorry, miss,” he replies. “Dad got burned.”

“Oh dear,” says the teacher, “I do hope it wasn’t serious?”

“Well, miss, they don’t fuck about at the crematorium.”

Jenny came home from school and gave her daddy her school report. He opened it with pride and read out aloud, “90 per cent in maths. Well done, Jenny, that is fantastic. You are going to go to university and become a maths professor!”

He read on, “94 per cent in geography. Jenny, this is fantastic. You could be a famous explorer just like David Livingstone or Ranulph Fiennes.”

He continued reading her report, welling with pride, “98 per cent in French. Jenny, you are a genius. You know, you could get a fantastic job as an interpreter. Maybe even become British ambassador to the United Nations!”

Jenny’s report went on in much the same fashion, with exceptionally high percentages in all subjects, until he got to her result for reading.

“30 per cent? YOU ONLY GOT 30 PER CENT? Jenny, I am ashamed of you. You are a useless, useless child. I spend all this money on your education and you repay me with 30 per cent? You are a complete disgrace!”

He then smacked her across the head with the report and locked her in a dark, cold cupboard without any dinner. Jenny started sobbing in the dark. “I’m so sorry, dad,” she whimpered, “it’s hard reading Braille with a hook.”

An infant school teacher was teaching her English class. She repeated to her students,

“Mary had a little lamb,

Whose fleece was white as snow.

And everywhere that Mary went,

The lamb was sure to go.”

The teacher explained that this was an example of poetry, but that it could be changed to prose by changing the last line from, “The lamb was sure to go” to “The lamb went with her.” A few days later, the teacher asked for an example of poetry or prose.

Little Jimmy raised his hand and recited,

“Mary had a little pig,

An ordinary little runt.

He stuck his nose in Mary’s clothes,

And smelled her little . . .”

He stopped short and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. “Prose!” the teacher said, panicking. So Jimmy continued, “. . . arsehole.”

A seven-year-old at school says to her teacher: “Miss, can my mummy get pregnant?”