The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (171 page)

“It’s not bad,” she replied. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

Three old men were sitting in a retirement home chewing the fat.

“I hate being in my seventies,” said the first. “You always feel like you want to piss and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the second. “When you’re in your eighties, you don’t have a proper bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”

“No, being in your nineties is the worst age of all,” said the third.

“Do you have trouble pissing as well then?” asked the first old man.

“No, not really, I have a piss every morning at 6 a.m. I piss like a racehorse, no problem at all.”

“So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”

“No, I have a shit every morning at 6:30 precisely.”

At this, the second old man said: “Let me get this straight. You piss every morning at 6 a.m. and shit every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so bad about being in your nineties?”

“I don’t wake up until 7 a.m.”

An old woman walks into the recreation room at the retirement home, holds her clenched fst in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!”

An elderly gentleman at the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”

She thinks for a minute and says, “Close enough.”

Two old men sitting in a retirement home. “I’m full of aches and pains today, Ted. How do you feel?”

His friend replies: “Like a newborn baby, Alf.”

“Really?” says Ted.

“Yes,” says Ted. “Hairless, toothless and I’ve just shat myself.”

They said that my grandad was “like a fish out of water” when he moved into the old people’s home. In other words, he was dead.

An elderly couple were sitting in an old folks’ home watching the TV. All of a sudden the old man reaches over and punches his wife in the face.

“What was that for?!” she exclaims angrily.

“Forty years of crap sex!” her husband replies.

She remains silent and they continue watching the TV. A couple of minutes later, the old lady gets up and kicks her husband in the balls.

“Bloody hell,” he moans, writhing on the foor. “What was that for?”

She replies, “That’s for knowing the difference!”

I once got a gig as a stand-up comedian in an old people’s home. They were a superb audience. When I say superb audience, none of them got my jokes but they still wet themselves.

An old lady in a nursing home was trundling up and down the corridor on her Zimmer frame when an elderly retired policeman jumps out in front of her.

“You do realize you were speeding just then? Could I have your driving licence?” he says. She hands over her library card. He studies it carefully and hands it back with a raffe ticket. “Here’s a speeding ticket,” the old man tells her. “Be on your way, and drive more slowly this time.”

A couple of hours later the same old woman is doing the same journey when the ex-copper once again jumps out in front of her. “That U-turn you did just then was illegal, can I see your driving licence?” Once again she hands over her library card; he checks it and sends her on her way.

Several minutes pass and she is coming down the corridor again. The old man jumps out of his room stark naked, nursing a wrinkly erection. The old lady says: “Oh no, not the breathalyser again!”

Two paramedics arrived at the scene of a car crash. The driver of the car was still sitting in his seat, screaming his head off. One of the paramedics tried to calm him down. “Pull yourself together, man,” he says. “At least you haven’t gone through the windscreen like your passenger.” He points at a girl lying unconscious on the side of the road.

The driver replied: “You haven’t seen what’s in her mouth.”

A man awoke in hospital, swathed in bandages from head to foot.