The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (178 page)

The other 15 per cent haven’t been to prison yet.

Two Liverpudlians die and go to meet their maker. When they get to the pearly gates, St Peter says, “No way, we don’t let Scousers in here.” The Scousers plead, telling him how they’ve been good Christians all their lives and deserve a second chance. So Peter tells them to wait while he has a word with God. God thinks it over for a while and then says, “Well, we don’t really want any Scousers in here, but the rules say that we’ve got to admit them if they’ve been good Christians, so you’d better let them in.”

Peter goes off, then comes running back minutes later: “God, God, they’ve gone, they’ve gone!”

“What? The Scousers have gone?”

“No, the gates!”

I saw a bumper sticker on a car that said, “I miss Liverpool”. So I smashed the window and stole the sat-nav.

A Scouser is sitting in a pub having a few drinks when in walks a gay customer. The gay man eyes him up and after a few beers finally plucks up the courage to approach the Scouser.

“Do you fancy a blow job?” he whispers.

The Scouser picks up a bar stool and batters the guy to a pulp, kicking him out of the door. The barman comes over and says; “Christ! That was a bit brutal! What did he say to you?”

“Dunno,” replies the Scouser, “something about a job.”

Rafa Benitez fies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is impressed and arranges for him to come over to England. Two weeks later, Liverpool are two-nil down to Chelsea with only twenty minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation – he scores a hat-trick in twenty minutes and wins the game for the reds! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

“Hello, mum, guess what?” he says. “I played for twenty minutes today, we were two-nil down but I scored three and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me. It’s wonderful!”

“Terrifc!” says his mum. “Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot and robbed in the street, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother was beheaded by masked men, all while you were having such a wonderful time.”

The young lad is very upset, “What can I say, mum, but I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry?!!” says his mum, “Is that the best you can do? It’s your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!”

What are the four most diffcult years for a Scouser?

Year eleven.

A Scouser is driving through Liverpool with his dog in the passenger seat. A police panda car follows him for about half a mile and then puts its siren and stop sign on, indicating to him to pull over. As the officer approaches the car, he sees that the Scouser is slapping the dog violently about the head. He instructs the driver to wind down his window. “Why are you hitting the dog?”

The Scouser replies, “The little bastard just ate my tax disc.”

Sean Connery is being interviewed by Jonathan Ross. He brags that, despite being in his seventies, he can still have sex three times a night. Cilla Black, who is also a guest on the show, is all ears. After the show, in the green room our Cilla says, “Sean, if I’m not being too forward, I’d luv to ’ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my place, we could ’ave a lorra lorra fun.”

So they go back to Cilla’s house and make themselves comfortable. After a couple of drinks they go off to bed and have an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, just let me get my head down for half an hour and we can go again if you like. But while I’m shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand.”

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay, luv.”

Sean sleeps for half an hour, then wakes up and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, “Shilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You’ll have to—”

“Yes, I know, luv,” interrupts our Cilla. “Yer want me to ’old on to yer balls again. No problem hun.”

Cilla complies with the routine. The sex this time is the best she’s ever had. When it’s all over, Sean lights a cigarette and they have a gin and tonic. Cilla asks, “Sean luv, tell me something. This holding yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other malarkey. Does it really turn yer on that much?”

Sean replies, “No, not at all, Shilla, but the last time I shlept with a Scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet.”

After a poor season the Ferrari Formula One team have decided to employ Liverpudlian teenagers as their pit crew because of their renowned skill at removing car wheels quickly. At their first practice session, not only did they change all four wheels in less than six seconds, within twelve seconds they had also re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for six cases of Stella, a bag of smack and a photo of Lewis Hamilton’s bird getting shagged up the arse.

What’s the difference between Batman and a Scouser?