The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (148 page)

Because if God was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

A man in a pub finishes his pint and tells his friends he’s under strict instructions, on pain of divorce, to get home at a reasonable time. One of his mates offers some advice on how to deal with situations like this, to keep both parties happy. “When you get home, tip toe up to the bedroom and crawl under the duvet from the bottom of the bed and give your wife the greatest oral sex she’s ever had or is ever likely to have again. There is absolutely no way she could be in a bad mood with you.”

The man thinks it over and agrees that there is something in this, so he orders up another round of drinks for himself and his mates. Three hours and several pints later, he staggers home to find his house in complete darkness. He fumbles for his key and eventually unlocks the door, staggers inside and makes his way upstairs. When he gets in the bedroom he slips under the bottom of duvet, works his way up the bed, lifts his wife’s nightie and gets to work. After a good ten-minute session and some satisfied noises from the top of the bed, he decides his work is done and he staggers off to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he opens the bathroom door he is shocked to find his wife sitting on the toilet taking a dump.

“What the hell are you doing in here!?” he asks.

“Shush,” hisses his wife. “You’ll wake your mother up.”

Why are pubic hairs curly?

So they don’t poke you in the eye.

Why is cunnilingus like being in the Mafa?

One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.

How can you tell if you were involved in some drunken oral sex the night before?

You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.

What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus?

Your wife will always blow your bonus.

A lot of men are in favour of the Muslim full face veil. It solves the age-old problem of where to wipe your dick after a blow job.

A prostitute went to the hospital to have a heart transplant. She said to the surgeon, “Doctor, I’m worried. What if my body rejects the organ?”

The doctor replied, “Well, you are in extremely good health apart from your heart. What do you do?”

She replied, “Actually I’ve been a prostitute since I was eighteen years old, but what’s that got to do with anything?”

“Well,” said the doctor, “if you haven’t rejected an organ for the last sixteen years, it’s unlikely you’re about to start now.”

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. The highly unusual and somewhat risky procedure, known as an elephantaplasm, involved grafting a baby elephant’s trunk on to the end of the patient’s member.

The operation, however, was apparently a success. Overjoyed, the man went out with his girlfriend to celebrate at a very fancy restaurant.

To his horror, after preliminary cocktails, the man’s penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a bread roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girlfriend was startled and exclaimed, “What was that?”

Suddenly, the penis reappeared, took another bread roll and just as quickly shot back under the tablecloth. The girlfriend sat in stunned silence for a moment, then finally said, “I don’t believe I saw what I think I just saw . . . can you do that again?”

The man smiled uncomfortably and replied, “I’d like to, unfortunately I don’t think my arse can take another crusty roll.”

What’s the worst part about getting a lung transplant?

The first couple of times you cough, it isn’t your phlegm.