The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (152 page)

“Certainly not!” she replied.

“Hmmm. It must be your feet then.”

Why do women pierce their bellybuttons?

It is somewhere for them to hang their air freshener.

What’s the difference between a French woman and a basketball team?

The basketball team showers after four periods.

What’s the hardest thing about a sex change operation?

Inserting the anchovies.

My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you can smell the ocean.

A man sees an advert in a pet shop window for a talking centipede with a price tag at £150. Thinking he’s hit upon the bargain of a lifetime, he buys the centipede and takes it away in a box. When he gets home, he opens the box and politely asks the centipede if he would like to go down the pub for a pint, but the centipede doesn’t answer. A few minutes later, he asks again, but still no response.

At this point he starts to get a bit annoyed, thinking perhaps that he’s been conned. He shouts one more time: “Do you want to go for a pint?!”

The centipede pops his head out of the box and says, “All right, I heard you the first time, give me a chance to put my fucking shoes on!”

A vicar is in a pet shop buying a parrot. “Are you sure it doesn’t know any profane words?” he asks the shopkeeper.

“Oh, absolutely. It’s a very religious parrot,” the shopkeeper assures him. “Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord’s Prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.”

“Wonderful!” says the vicar. “But what happens if you pull both strings?”

“I fall off my perch, you stupid cunt,” screeches the parrot.

My new goldfish suffers from epilepsy. The funny thing is, it never fits when it’s back in the bowl.

An animal rights activist walks into a pet shop and puts a bomb on the counter. He says: “You’ve got one minute to get out of here before the place blows!”

A tortoise in the back shouts, “You bastard!”

A man buys a parrot from the pet shop but he can never get it to talk, so he goes back to the pet shop to complain. The pet shop owner says, “I know exactly what the problem is. Your bird has too much hook in its beak. What you have to do is file the beak back a bit and it will be able to talk just fine. Be careful not to file too much beak off, though, because if you take too much off, the bird won’t be able to eat or drink and it will die.”

The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak modification and he says £100. So the parrot owner decides he’ll do it himself.

A week or so later they bump into one another in the street. The pet shop owner enquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet.

The parrot owner replies, “The parrot is dead.”

“I told you not to fle the beak back too far – did he starve?”

“No, he was dead before I got him out of the vice.”

A fat woman was walking past a pet shop. Suddenly a parrot screeched at her: “Oi! I’m talking to you, you fat ugly cow!” The woman pretended not to notice and continued on her way.