The Making of Matt (24 page)

“No,” I said, staring out of the window. “But I know she wasn’t a stranger.”

“Alex, please look at me.” His words cracked, his tone fretful. Reluctantly, I turned my head. “Do you really think, after everything we’ve been through, that I would do anything to hurt you?”

I studied his expression, the pain in his eyes wavering my resolve. “No,” I said, my voice weak, saturated with regret. “But that doesn’t explain why you said you’d call her.”

I detested this side of myself that I didn’t even know existed until last night. Jealousy wasn’t something I’d experienced before and I wanted to find a way to make it go the hell away.

“I was just trying to get rid of her,” Matt admitted, running a hand over his flushed face. “I just didn’t want you to see that part of my life. It’s in the past.”

“So…you screwed her?”

“Alex, please…”

“I want to know.”

“According to her, yes. I’ve screwed a lot of women in my life, Alex. Too many to remember them all. But you know this. I can’t go back and change it, but that doesn’t mean I want to rub it in your face by introducing you to every ex-fuck that approaches me.”

The thing about jealousy is that, when you realize you were wrong, it makes you feel like a prick.

“I’m sorry,” I said, guilt forcing my gaze to my knees. “I shouldn’t have doubted you.”

Matt cupped my cheek with his hand, encouraging me to look at him. “We knew this wasn’t going to be easy. I knew all along my past would try and drive a wedge between us, but we can’t let it. I won’t let the
old
me taint what we have. You’re too important to me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that,” Matt said, shaking his head. “If I need to work harder at getting you to trust me, I will. I’m not going to lose you, Alex. I can’t.”

“No, no. You haven’t done anything. You don’t need to prove yourself. It’s
my
issue. Sometimes I can’t help but feel like I can’t compete with all those women.”

“There is
no
competition,” he said, stretching forward until I could feel his breath on my face. “All those women might have gotten me off at some point, but
you
are the only person who’s ever made me
feel
. They were nothing more than an elaborate jerk off. Just sex. Meaningless. I don’t have sex with you. I make
love
to you, Alex. I become part of you. I…I love you.”

Matt pressed his lips to mine, the warmth of his kiss sending a delicious shiver through my body.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered against his tender lips.

“Say that again and I’m gonna punch you in the goddamn nose.”

Sitting back in my seat, I felt utterly ashamed of myself. As we continued on to Ashley’s house, I thought of all the ways I would make it up to him, stopping when my cock swelled to the point of discomfort as it fought against the restrictiveness of my pants. 

When we arrived at the house, the baby was sleeping upstairs so we were introduced to photos instead. They’d named him Bartholomew, and when I witnessed the internal battle on Matt’s face, I wanted to give him a medal for managing to keep a casual expression.

“Can I offer you a drink?” Adam asked, flipping his gaze between me and Matt.

We opted for just water and both Adam and Ashley disappeared to get them.

“See? He
can
be nice,” I said to Matt, bumping his shoulder with mine.

Matt shrugged. “So he can be polite. An asshole will always be an asshole. It doesn’t change into a vase just because you stick a flower up it.”

When Ashley and Adam returned with two glasses of water, I stayed mostly quiet and let Matt lead the conversation, conversation which was clipped and uncomfortable. I had nothing in common with these people. I felt like Jesus himself was judging me for that fact as his eyes on the crucifix above the fireplace bored into my back the whole time we were there.

For the first time I started to understand what Matt meant when he said Ashley had changed. I didn’t know her before but the woman whose house I sat in was nothing like the cousin he’d described growing up with. When baby Bart, as they nicknamed him, started crying through the handheld monitor, I felt relieved. Fussing over a baby would be a welcome change from trying to force awkward chatter with the adults. Adam disappeared upstairs, returning with the baby and passing him to Ashley.

Matt’s smile illuminated his face as he reached out and stroked the little guy’s cheek with his finger. “Oh, Ash, he’s beautiful,” Matt said, his eyes transfixed on Bart’s tiny porcelain face. “But how the fu-” He stopped himself mid sentence, something I’d never witnessed before. “It must’ve hurt. Bet you got through a shi… A
lot
of drugs.”

“We don’t believe in drugs,” Adam interrupted.

Matt scowled at him. “Would you feel that way if you had to piss a watermelon outta your dick?”

“We’d also prefer you didn’t use that kind of language around our son.”

Even
I
wanted to punch Adam in the face by this point. I silently admired Matt’s restraint.

“Can I hold him?” Matt asked, ignoring Adam as he turned to Ashley.

Wow.
After the meltdown he had when left in charge of Darren’s baby back at Elle and Kip’s wedding I hadn’t expected him to ask.

Ashley smiled, cradling Bart’s head in the crook of her arm as she passed him to Matt. “Bend your arm,” she told him, showing Matt how to replicate the way she held him. Adam flinched, so subtly I couldn’t be sure I hadn’t imagined it.

“He’s perfect,” Matt cooed, picking up one of Bart’s tiny hands and examining his fingers. “You ever need advice, little dude, come see your uncle Matt.”

Bart wriggled in Matt’s arms, his face glowing red as he started to cry.

“Guess that’s what he thinks of your advice,” I teased.

The same fire of panic I saw at the wedding burned on Matt’s face as the baby continued to twist and scream in his arms. Ashley opened her arms to take him but Matt was already passing him to me.

“Alex is a baby whisperer,” Matt said. “Just watch.”

I held out my hands but Adam swooped in and scooped Bart from Matt’s arms before he came into contact with me. I didn’t give it a second thought but Matt must’ve seen something in Adam’s expression that made him angry.

“He’s tired,” Adam said.

“He just woke up.” Matt’s hands balled into fists by his sides. “What’s your problem?”

“Matt,” I whispered. “Leave it alone.”

“No! Did you see the way he looked at you? If he’s got an issue I want to know what the fuck it is!”

“Let it go. It doesn’t matter.”

Matt ignored me, jumping to his feet. “You do know being gay isn’t contagious, right? He won’t infect your son with homosexuality if he touches him.”

Stop, please
, I screamed internally, standing up and grabbing Matt’s arm. He shrugged away from me.

“It’s not just that he’s…
gay
.” Adam said the word like it felt dirty on his lips. “He’s infected with a disease born from his sinful lifestyle. I’m not prepared to expose my son to that.”

Whoa…
“Matt I think we should go.”

“What about you, Ashley?” Matt barked, spinning on his heels. “Is that how you feel? Or are you just gonna sit there like a fucking mute, afraid to disagree with your precious fucking husband? Isn’t Christianity supposed to be about loving thy neighbor and all that shit?”

“I’m taking Bart upstairs,” Adam said, focused on Ashley before turning to Matt and I. “Please leave my house and take your poison with you.”

“That’s right,” Matt scorned. “Run away, dickhole.”

Tears reddening her eyes, Ashley stood up. “Matty, stop this.
Please
.”

“You’ve changed, Ash,” Matt spat, disgust dripping from his voice. “The Ashley I used to know wouldn’t judge anyone.”

“I-I’m not judging.”

“But
he
is.” Matt pointed toward the door that Adam walked out of. “And you
let
him. It’s like you’re too fucking scared of him to stand up for yourself. Stand up for all the things you used to believe in. The things I
loved
about you.”

“I’m not scared of him. Adam’s good to me. He
saved
me.”

“Saved you? From what? A life of being a decent fucking person?”

“Calm down, Matt,” I cut in. My voice didn’t seem to register with him.

“You left me all on my own when you went off with the band!” Ashley yelled. “I had nobody!”

“You had my mom.”

“And she was great, I loved her, but she didn’t have much in common with a seventeen year old girl.
You
were my only friend and you left. I wouldn’t hear from you for months on end. Instead, I’d see you in magazines, partying and moving on, while I cried myself to sleep every night.”

“Ash,” Matt muttered, his tone softening with guilt.

“I tried to move on just like you did. I became depressed. Not just sad but
really, truly
low. I got mixed up with some bad people, made some bad decisions. You want to know how Adam and I met? He found me, stoned out of my eyeballs wearing next to nothing, on a bench outside his church group. He took me in, fed me, clothed me, and introduced me to people who became my closest friends.”

“My mom…she never said anything.”

“Because she didn’t know. I was good at hiding things, but I didn’t need to hide from Adam. He saw who I was underneath and showed me how to get her back.”

“But you’re
not
back. Condemning people who don’t live the way you choose to? That’s not my Ashley.”

“That Ashley was weak. She crumbled the second she was left alone. I didn’t realize until I met Adam that I would never be alone. I have God.”

“I’m sorry about what you went through, Ash. Truly, I am. If I’d have known, if you’d told me, I would’ve jumped on the first plane back from wherever I was. But I just can’t accept that as an excuse for living the way you do now. Only loving people who share your beliefs? Turning your back on people who are different from you? That’s so sad, Ashley, and so very fucking wrong.”

“I haven’t turned my back on anyone.”

“But you won’t defend them either. You say you were weak before, but I think you’re even weaker now.”

Sighing through her nose, Ashley looked down to the carpet. “I think you should leave now.”

“So what, we’re done?”

“I’m sorry, Matthew.”

“
Matthew?
You’ve never called me that.”

“I’ve tried to accept it. I’ve prayed for you every single day since-”

“I don’t need or want your fucking prayers. I’m not sick.”

Ignoring Matt, Ashley carried on spouting her crap. “But I can’t. The way you live? It’s not how it’s supposed to be. Soon enough you’ll be punished just like Alex. I love you too much to watch that happen to you.”

Holy shit.
“Come on, Matt.” I tugged on his arm. “Let’s go.”

“That’s not love, Ash. That’s…that’s fucking twisted.”

“Matt,” I urged.

Again, he shrugged out of my grasp. “I feel sorry for you, Ashley,” he said, dropping his head. “And I feel sorry for your baby. He’s going to grow up never knowing how good it feels to love someone for who they truly are.”

“Get out,” Ashley barked, refusing eye contact with him. “
Now
.”

Scoffing without humor, Matt couldn’t even look at Ashley as he strode straight for the front door. When we got outside he bowled over, supporting his weight with his hands on his knees, and sighed. “How are you so calm right now?” he asked, straightening his back. “Maybe naïvely, I didn’t think people had those kind of bullshit, fucking
hateful
opinions these days. Especially not people I knew. Not my own fucking family.”

I shrugged. “I’ve dealt with similar reactions before.”

“You shouldn’t have to. This fucking
God
has got a lot to answer for.”

“You can’t blame their faith. Some people just attack things they don’t understand.”

“It’s my fault. If I’d never left…”

“No, Matt, you’re
not
responsible. Everyone chooses their own path in life. Despite what your ego tells you, you’re
not
God. You didn’t put her on that journey.”

“I wouldn’t want to be. He’s a judgmental asshole.”

“No. Adam and Ashley are judgmental assholes, hiding behind
His
name.”

Matt glanced at me, confusion shrouding his eyes. “I didn’t know you were religious.”

“I’m not. I just don’t see how judging someone for their faith makes me any better than people who judge
me
for my sexuality.”