The Making of Matt (25 page)

Matt inched closer and took my hand in his. “You’re pretty damn incredible, Alex Clark. They might not be lucky enough to have you in their life, but
me,
I’m fucking honored to be holding your hand.”

Smiling, hope swelling in my chest, I squeezed his hand. “Let’s get out of here. Just looking at this house makes me nauseous.”

**********

The next couple of weeks were two of the happiest of my life. The club was packed every night, Sawyer and Jake had set a date for their wedding, and Matt and I were so in love even
I
felt queasy thinking about us. A week after
that
, however, that sickening wave of doubt started cascading through my body again.

I tried to convince myself that I was reading too much into the fact that Matt would leave the room to answer phone calls, or that he would disappear and return with a lame excuse about his whereabouts. Like the time he said he went grocery shopping. Matt wouldn’t have recognized a supermarket if it ran over him. Oh, and he failed to produce any actual groceries. Or when he went to the gym, something he’d never done before seeing as he had one at home which he rarely used. When I looked into his eyes, into his soul, I knew in my heart he wasn’t cheating on me. Or, maybe I just saw what I needed to believe to stop me from falling apart. All I knew for sure is that he was hiding
something
.

As a result, over the next couple of weeks, I found myself spending more and more nights in my own apartment. Matt knew something was troubling me but I couldn’t find the courage to explain or ask questions, sure that if I did, it would mark the end of our relationship. Consequently, I was equally responsible for the cracks in our union that were growing wider every day. Maybe this was inevitable. Maybe we were just too different, lived in different worlds. Maybe…we were foolish to ever think we could have a future together.

One day, I found myself kneeling in front of Corey’s grave. I talked to him for hours, asking him questions I knew he couldn’t give me the answer to. I considered calling Alan, even scrolled to his name on my phone several times, but I always backed out at the last second. Even though Matt was hurting me, I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone thinking badly of him.

I loved him.

Later that day, although I planned to sleep at my own place again, I needed to stop by at Matt’s to pick up my meds after running out at home. Cowardly, I half-hoped he wouldn’t be home so I could grab what I needed and leave, but when I walked up to the door, he came to meet me.

“I have a surprise for you,” he said, taking my hand and yanking me inside. His voice was eager and playful and it panged in my heart. “You’re going to love him.”

Him?
My hand in his, I didn’t have any choice but to follow him. He led me to the utility room, the place where everything changed between us, and upon hearing a high-pitched yelp, I knew immediately what awaited me on the other side of the door.

“You got a dog?”

He dropped my hand and opened the door. A lively, golden puppy bounded toward me, his uncoordinated paws skidding on the tiled floor.

“You said you liked animals.”

“I do, but-”

“I didn’t name him yet,” Matt said. “Thought we should do it together.”

I picked the tiny yellow Labrador up from the floor and he kicked and wiggled in my arms while licking as much of my face as he could. He was adorable, but my heart sank.

“What are you doing, Matt?” My voice was sad, regretful. “You’re too busy to take care of a puppy.”

“He’s not mine, he’s
ours
.”

“Matt…”

“So I was thinking, you need to stop spending time at your place. He needs both of us.”

So that’s what this is about…

“And I’ve thought of everything. I’ve bought him a crate. They’re not cruel like some people think. I got a book on it. Dogs are den animals. They like having their own space. Oh, and I got him one of those baby monitors with a camera so we can keep an eye on him while he’s in there.”

“Matt…”

“And if we’re gonna be out for long periods, Saw said he’ll take care of him, even take him into the studio. He’s had his first vaccination but the vet says he’ll need another shot in two weeks. He’s on wet food right now, but the book I got recommends dry so we’ll wean-”

“Matt stop. Just…stop.” Bending, I placed the puppy back on the floor, the newspaper crinkling under his paws.

“Don’t,” Matt said, sighing heavily. The dog skittered to the other side of the room, sniffing around the washing machine. “Don’t say what I think you’re gonna say.”

“Something’s going on with you, Matt. I don’t know what or why you’re hiding it, but I need some space while you figure it out.”

“But…the puppy…”

“Isn’t enough to keep me here.”

“But I
love
you!” The pain in his voice resonated in my chest, crushing my heart, destroying my soul.

“Not enough to be honest with me.”

I turned on my heels and padded through the house to the front doors, deciding I’d call my doctor and say I’d misplaced my meds and needed an urgent replacement.

“Alex wait!” Matt called, catching up with me. “Please don’t do this. I…I’ll tell you everything.”

Turning briefly, my heart breaking, I whispered under my breath, “If you cared, you would’ve already.”

And then I left, my heart heavy and my legs weak as they struggled to carry me to my car. Tears pricked at my eyes, stinging them like salt in a wound, as I twisted the key in the ignition.

How the hell did we get here?

~Matt~

When
Alex walked out on me I spent three days lying on the couch, eating cereal drowning in sugar, and cleaning up dog pee. I drove to the club on the first day but turned straight around when I saw Alex’s car in the lot. I’d never been in a relationship before, not one that compared to what I had with Alex, not one where I actually understood what it meant, what it felt to love and
be
loved, so ending one was new for me too.

Is that even what’s happened? Are we over? Have I lost him?

All I knew for certain is that I felt miserable. Fuck miserable, I was devastated, and it was all my own fucking fault. My initial instinct was to get wasted, but for the first time in my life I didn’t feel any desire to go out and hammer all my problems into a random chick’s pussy.

That kind of reaction was what got me into this mess in the first place.

It was late afternoon, I think, when I heard an entrance alert on the security monitor. I’d been rotting on the couch for so long, the nameless puppy warming my feet, I couldn’t be sure what day it was never mind the time. I didn’t bother to get up to see who it was. If they wanted me, they’d find me.

“I’m beginning to feel like Dr. fucking Phil.” I looked briefly up at Sawyer and then went back to staring at the ceiling. The pasta shell fell off weeks ago but had left a stain. “How many times am I going to have to play Agony Aunt before you two yank your stupid heads outta your asses and communicate with each other instead of running off and sulking like teenage boys.”

I didn’t know how he knew and I didn’t have the energy to care. “I’ve fucked up, Saw. I’ve lost him.”

“You haven’t lost him,” he said, exasperated as he sank down into the reclining chair.

Swinging my legs onto the floor, accidentally knocking the dog off the couch in the process, I sat up. “You’ve talked to him?”

“I didn’t need to. His face was enough.”

Sighing, I lay back down. “Then you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know you love each other.”

“He doesn’t trust me, and I don’t blame him. You know the funniest part is that I always knew I’d fuck it up. I just didn’t realize it would hurt so fucking much.”

“Jesus, Matt. What the hell have you done? Have you cheated on him?” he asked, skepticism coating his words.

“No! I could never do that to him. But…I
have
lied to him.”

“About what?” he pressed, screwing his face up in confusion.

“Remember that chick you found me with in the bathroom? The night Alex told me about the HIV?”

Sawyer narrowed his eyebrows. “Yeah,” he said, elongating the word.

“She told me she was called Precious, turns out her name is Mindy…and she’s pregnant.”

Sawyer shook his head as if trying to unscramble his thoughts. “Fucking hell, man, you said you didn’t sleep with her!”

“I didn’t. I
couldn’t
. But she snapped a photo of me eating her tits and promised to expose me to the press as the man that abandoned her and his child if I didn’t give her money.”

“You didn’t. Please tell me you haven’t given her any money.”

“Twenty grand so far.”

“
Why
, Matt? What the…
why
?”

“Because I’m a fucking idiot. I don’t give a monkey’s ass if she sells her story. I did it for Alex. If he knew I’d jumped on another chick the second things got tough…” I trailed off, my fingers twitching to punch myself in my pathetic fucking face.

Sawyer groaned. “You stupid fucking
twat
, Matt.”

“Pointing out the obvious. Great advice, dude.”

“I think you need it pointing out. A, you weren’t even together back then. B, you didn’t even fucking screw her, and C, Alex knows you’re a moron and he loves you anyway. I can’t believe I’m having to tell you this again. Get up, take a fucking bath, and go
talk
to him. And for the love of Christ don’t give that skank anymore money.”

“She’s not a bad person,” I argued, causing Sawyer to jerk his neck back in disbelief. “I thought she was at first. She was already pregnant when we met and she came to that club with the sole purpose of finding someone to pin the baby on, extort money from, but-”

“But what? Because from here she sounds like a twisted piece of trash.”

“She’s young. She’s got nothing. She’s just scared, Saw.”

“She’s not your responsibility.”

“No, but she
could’ve
been. I feel bad for her and I can’t just switch that off. You should see where she’s living. It’s nothing more than a damp, mold-infested box, and here I am,” I motioned my hand across the room, “With all this. She might have gone about it the wrong way, but no baby should have to live like that.”

“They shouldn’t, but they do, and it’s not your job to save them all.”

A resounding silence followed. I tipped my head back, massaging my temples.

“I gotta go do something,” Sawyer announced, standing from his chair. “I’ll be back in an hour and by the time I get here you’re going to be clean, alert, and will have shaved that damn scruff off your face. You hear me?”

“Yes, Dad,” I grumbled. He made a valid point. I could smell my putrid armpits every time I moved.

“And by the way,” he added, hovering by the door. “Your dog’s peeing on your rug.”

For fuck’s sake.
I swear if he wasn’t so damn cute I’d have smothered him by now.

**********

Something unbelievable happened while I was taking a bath. No matter how vigorously I rubbed the soapy lather into my cock, it refused to grow by even a millimeter. Then, as if I wasn’t frustrated enough, I ripped a chunk out of my face with a razor blade. I was in an all out bad mood by the time I heard Sawyer arrive back.

“Yo, Matt! You up there?” Sawyer called up the stairs.

“My life is over, dude,” I said, jogging down the stairs. “My dick is brok-” I cut myself off, my breath catching in my throat, when I saw Alex sitting on my couch.

“Sit down,” Sawyer ordered, his voice scarily authoritative. Looking to the floor like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar, I did as I was told. I perched on the edge of the same couch as Alex, leaving a seat between us, and Sawyer stood in front, towering over us.

“Alex,” Sawyer began. “I’d like to introduce you to my friend Matt. There’s a reason I call him Matt the twat, and that reason is, he’s an idiot.”

I rolled my eyes, opening my mouth to protest and snapping it closed again when Sawyer raised his hand.

“He’s immature, he’s got the attention span of a gnat, the logic of a potato, and he has
no
idea how to be in a relationship.”

“Are you here solely to insult me?” I interrupted.

“Shut your mouth. I’m not finished.” Sawyer’s gaze shifted back to Alex. “But under all those things, he’s a good guy. A guy with the best intentions, but who happens to fuck them up a lot. And he has. He’s fucked up, but probably not as bad as you think. The place you guys are at right now? It’s unnecessary. Normal adults would’ve talked this through before it escalated to this point. But Matt’s
not
a normal adult. He’s still learning.”

“Do you even have a fucking point here?” I snapped. I couldn’t wholly disagree with him, but there was only so many times I was prepared to hear what a moron I was before I rammed my fist into his nose.

“My point is that you two
love
each other and the only issue you have is that you don’t talk. It’s like you’re so scared of losing each other that you keep shit hidden in case you push each other away. When, really,
that
is what’s keeping you apart. I’m going to leave now, and you two are gonna grow up, man up and fucking
talk
. Don’t make me come back here or I
will
hurt somebody.”

Stunned into silence, I stared at my knees when Sawyer left us alone. It didn’t go unnoticed that Alex hadn’t uttered a single word the whole time he’d been here and I knew I’d have to make the first move.

I was wrong.

“For the record I don’t think you’re an idiot.”

A sad smile crawled onto my face. “I need you to know that I didn’t intend to hurt you, or push you away. I
have
kept something from you, but only because I thought it would upset you, that you wouldn’t believe I’d changed. But…I just ended up hurting you more.”

“It’s to do with the girl in the club isn’t it?”

“Yes,” I answered on a heavy exhale.

“Did you screw her?”

“No, but I tried.”

Crushed, Alex’s face crumpled. I tried to reach out to him but he shook his head, inching away from me. Shame and guilt making my voice wobble, I went on to tell him everything in excruciating detail. By the time I’d finished, Alex’s cheeks were damp with tears and I
hated
myself for creating them.

Sawyer was right.
I
am
a fucking idiot.

“I thought you didn’t want me, that you’d never believe I could change. But I
have,
Alex. I swear to God I have. I tried to go back to life before you and I
couldn’t
.”

“Why the hell didn’t you just tell me, Matt?”

Right now, I have no fucking idea.

“I know your history, I know
you
. Yet I fell in love with you all the same. That night, even
I
didn’t think we could work. We weren’t together. I pushed you away. You should have told me.”

“I know. I was…I was just so afraid.”

“And you’re still giving her money?” he asked, sounding as baffled as Sawyer.

“I don’t expect you to understand, but I’d like you to try. I didn’t the night I met
her
, but I’ve fucked and forgotten so many women in my life without giving them, or their circumstances, a second thought. If I hadn’t already been in love with you, I could’ve just as easily done the same to Mindy. I might not be the father of that baby, but now she’s involved me I can’t sit back and watch her crumble. I’m sorry, I don’t want to upset you again, but I just can’t.”

“I get it.”

“You…you do?”

“You’re a good man, Matt. You have the biggest heart. You hide it underneath all that bravado but I see it. I’ve
always
seen it. Just…don’t ever lie to me again.”

“Wait, are you…” Emotion swelled in my throat, clogging my words. “Are you saying this isn’t over?”

Sitting closer to me, he placed a gentle hand on my knee. “I’m saying I love you, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop.”

“I’ll probably fuck up again. I always do. I can’t seem to help myself.”

“Good thing we’ve got Uncle Sawyer to mediate for us then, huh?”

I smiled, still feeling too shitty to laugh.

“You need to let go of your past, Matt. Stop thinking I see it as a threat. I love you. I trust you. You don’t need to keep trying to prove yourself to me. You did that the first time you let me suck you off right here on this couch.”

“And you say
I’m
not romantic,” I teased, chuckling weakly. “What about the dog?” I added, craning my neck to seek him out. The little shit was in the middle of chewing an impressive hole in the curtains. “I know I got him for all the wrong reasons, but…he’s here now.”

“You mean Bruce?”

“
Bruce?
”

“Yeah. I think he looks like a Bruce. We’ll need to put his bed in our room so we can watch over him at night.”

“
Our
room?”

Moving even closer, Alex took both of my hands in his, cradling them on his lap. “It seems to me that it’s too easy for us to run away when things get tough, and when that happens we stop talking. We let things fester, usually until Sawyer gets all parental on our asses and forces us to behave like adults.”

“What are you saying?” I thought, or hoped, I knew, but I needed to hear the words.

“I’m saying whenever we’re apart I’m miserable. I don’t want to be alone anymore, Matt. I want to be with you, always. I want to go to sleep and wake up with you every day for the rest of my life. I don’t want there to be anywhere for us to hide. I’m saying I want us to live together. Officially. You, me, and little Bruce.”

Jumping onto his knees, straddling him as I pushed him back onto the couch, I claimed his mouth with mine. I kissed him desperately, pouring my emotions into him, attacking his mouth like I’d stop breathing if I didn’t. I told him I loved him with that one kiss; that I’d
always
love him, care for him, fight for him every fucking day of my life.