The Lost Blogs (30 page)

I’m heading out now to look. More later.

Update:
As soon as I posted this message above, he appeared behind the couch. Strange, since I looked there before. Nonetheless—he’s
safe and sound. Thank you!

From:
http://www.jack_kerouac.com/moblog/

Subject:
On the Road, Sort of…

I’m on a road… but not the kind of road with strangers blindly speeding by towns and cities so fast that it’s all a blur,
the kind of blur that life is when you don’t stop and open your eyes long enough to see what’s right in front of your face,
which often isn’t much at all but it’s the discovery of realizing there’s nothing out there in front of your face that frees
you from the lack of knowledge you had before you stopped to take a look…

Neal Cassady and I hung last night and we emptied quite a few bottles and he started telling me that he’s leaving town, going
on his own Odyssey of sorts, and just like any journey like that can’t be undertaken by just one man he wanted to know if
me, yours truly, would join him on the adventure of a lifetime, and not to say this adventure would simply be the only adventure
under such a heading but in fact the beginning of many adventures across this poverty-stricken, ego-controlled, powerless
society of people all trying to break out of the bonds keeping them quiet and conservative and tired and clueless.

Sigh. Tired. Fatigue. When Neal said such things to me I’d been ending three weeks straight sitting in front of the glowing
screen over in the corner of my apartment, undertaking my own adventure of a lifetime in the digital sense—scouring the words
and the images and the people who make up the entire landscape of the digital underworld which all comes streaming through
a small wire and into my world and into the device which lights up the room and lights up my thoughts, for all I can think
about is that I am here, alone, sitting at this monitor and gazing into it and their lives, and at the same time they are
doing the same thing. But three weeks is not an entire lifetime, and how can one abandon such a quest to see everything there
is to see after only three weeks of a journey? I had more to do, more to say and
more to write, all through this digital journal and thereby interacting with the rest of the individuals communicating through
their own one-way mirror. Hitchhiking across the country would take years compared to simply turning on the glowing technological
marvel in the corner!

Neal asked me again, this time more seriously, if I would accompany him “on the road” where we could experience the people
and the sights and the sounds of the entire country. But as I told him, why go outside when you can sit right here in one
place and see and hear the entire country without ever leaving the safety of one’s pad? There’s no reason to leave, no reason
to venture out into the cold, dark world when sitting here provides all the same experiences, to which Neal asked “well, what
about touching, the tactile feelings of real people” to which I responded “it’s completely bullshit” because I’ve touched
more people than I care to remember, and now sitting here with this glowing screen before me, I have everything I could have
ever wanted, and can have it all in less time than it takes to down a swig from this bottle I’m holding between my legs as
I type this out to you right now.

Neal left this morning for his journey. I’ll try to keep track of him on the road from here.

I hope he got an e-mail address before he left.

From:
http://www.niccolo_machiavelli. fr/blog/

Subject:
To All My Closest Friends!

YOU. Yes, YOU. Bubby.

Glad you came back to visit! Can I just say that I’ve been totally thinking about you lately and wondering when you’d be coming
back!? You’re not just a number here on my stats page—you are one of the few who I care to see visit my blog. Someone I feel
like I can talk to. You know? How do I know who you are? Only my closest allies know of this URL and so if you are reading
this, we are totally thick as thieves. And thank God, because I have some things to get off my chest. To just my closest friends.

Let’s talk about the Medici. You know, Lorenzo de’ Medici—back in power now in Florence after so much time has passed. Yours
truly, and I don’t know if I mentioned this
before
, is no longer in a position to exercise my sharp political suggestions and insights. And you know what!? That’s a good thing
for YOU and for ME, bubby.

Here’s what’s up—I’m starting the
Machiavelli Network
! Haha, yeah, right!?

Exciting, I know. You’re just desperate to know what it is, right!? Well, let me tell you before I ramble on much further.
The Machiavelli Network is a closed, exclusive, online community for those who are my FRIENDS. So far, the Machiavelli Network
has over 300 members, including some who are at the highest positions in the current government. (I must keep their names
a secret, but I swear to the Lord this is true!)

The more people we can get to join the network, the more sites who abandon their current
Medici.com
network and move over to
the
Machiavelli Network
will find that it is a decision that is well worth making. We’re looking for people in influential positions in Italy—people
who have power and respect who would be willing to express the opinions of the Machiavelli Network to those around them. No,
we don’t want to pressure people to think like us—we just want everyone to be aware of the alternative point of view! Sure,
if they agree with us, wonderful. But our goal isn’t to strong-arm anyone (like the other guys do). So… where do you come
in, you ask? Simple.

In order to join the
Machiavelli Network
simply send me
the application fee
(yes it’s sizable, but you’re going to get it back tenfold) and you’ll be immediately added to the exclusive network. Then,
it’s up to you to get ten more people to join! Easy, I know! And here’s the best part…

Each of those ten people… they pay you the same
fee
that you paid me. Already you’ve made ten times your money and added to the value of the
Machiavelli Network
! And each time one of those ten people gets another person to join, you get 25% of the fee they have to pay. You can do this
from sitting at home on the farm—you can stop working period. Because after you get ten people to join, your only job will
be to go and pick up the money that people are offering you.

If we work together, we can make this the most powerful, politically influential network ever. I’m committed to it and to
YOU, my very good friends.

If you have any questions, feel free to submit a
support ticket
.

By the way, I’m also working on a book. More on that later. But for now, thanks so much for stopping by, YOU. Love ya, bubby!

From:
http://www.vlad_the_impaler.com/dracula-blog

Subject:
Weekend Impaling in Transylvania

’Twas a busy weekend for the one and only Vlad III Dracul, Prince of Wallachia.

It seems as though the killing of thousands of Turks, which yours truly Vlad III Dracul, Prince of Wallachia, oversaw over
the last few weeks, made me generously feel for the people of Wallachia. For they had been denied the presence of me, Vlad
III Dracul, for weeks on end, and as such it made them sad. So I returned, Prince of Wallachia, bringing smiles to their faces
…

Yet not every one of my loyal subjects was smiling, even though Vlad III Dracul was in their presence. There were some, poverty-stricken
and ill, whose lives seemed in total disrepair. And so, the generous Vlad III Dracul, Prince of Wallachia, gathered them together
for a wonderful meal in my great hall. The unproductive, the ill, the hungry, the handicapped were all welcome! And I was
there, too—Vlad III Dracul, Prince of Wallachia! The great wise leader of Wallachia! They ate and drank without a care!

I asked them if they wished to never have to worry about anything ever again—to be without a care in the world. Their response,
of course, was that of enthusiasm. I promised I could give them such relief.

Then I had my men lock up the hall and light it on fire. Hehehehehehe! Let no man say that Vlad III Dracul, Prince of Wallachia,
is a leader without humor!

More of the same on Saturday—lots of impaling to get through. Gosh, I suspect we impaled at least forty-three people around
town. As I type this, I’m looking down and out of Poenari Castle—at the edge of the city there stand hundreds of people impaled
on huge wooden staffs. And, I have to be honest as I look at the sight before me…

It’s just not symmetrical. Doesn’t seem even to me.

I have told my men a THOUSAND TIMES, that if they cannot arrange these impaled individuals in some sort of shape that is pleasing
to look at, I… Vlad III Dracul, Prince of Wallachia, will be the laughingstock of Romania! A square, a circle, some
kind of triangle. A dodecahedron. Whatever. But when I spy a few impaled people on sticks way off to the side of nowhere near
the others, it makes my blood boil. I may just have to impale the impalers if they don’t show pride in their work. I’ll hire
new impalers to impale the current impalers who can’t impale to save their lives!

That’s the problem—you hire these people to impale other people and before long they’re not looking where they shove the sharpened
staff… Sometimes the bodies fall off the staff because of the shoddy workmanship of the impalers… I don’t know—I think Vlad
III Dracul needs to remotivate these men to do a better job.

Sunday, I signed up for a
Gutenblog
. No ink required, they say. I suspect I will be using this on a daily basis to inform you of my wonderful ideas, intelligent
thoughts and future plans for our cities and towns.

From:
http://www.malcolmX.edu/blog/

Subject:
What Brought You Here and Why You Should Now Leave

It is quite obvious to me that my brothers and sisters who are involved in our cause to take back our freedom have no trouble
finding their way to this blog.

Unfortunately, there are many who find their way here by accident, who should never be here in the first place, and who I
urge to remove themselves as quickly as they arrive—their visits are a result of these recent searches:

Malcolm XXX

Xtra Tuna, Please

Why does X mark the spot?

X-Rated Panthers