The Lost Blogs (28 page)

J.C. has also promised to help me get my new perfume (called ASP!) off the ground. It’s dangerous-sounding, like the poisonous
snake! Get it? Dangerous, like me. So, ladies—if you wanna be like Cleo here, all attractive and pretty and wealthy and sexy
and dangerous, then ASP is what you want the men to smell. I think it’ll be a big hit. and J.C. is gonna help me work some
tie-ins with some of the big events in Rome this year to help up the awareness.

I’ve got more
photos
of me up in the gallery section, now—so go check me out. There’s also a new page I’ve put up called “Cleo’s Beauty Tips”
which you can read
here
after ponying up some of those sesterces in your pocket. Pay up—and learn what you can do to have that man of your dreams
that’s just outside of your reach!

On an unrelated note, signed drawings of me are all sold out—when we get our next shipment of granite and slate we’ll have
the artist create some more and we’ll make them available again for purchase! I’ll be blogging from Rome in March, so see
you then!

From:
http://www.john_d_rockefeller.com/blog/

Subject:
Today’s Blog from Mr. Rockefeller

As Mr. Rockefeller is unable to blog for himself today, I will be blogging in his place per his request. This is his personal
blogger Nancy, as you very well know by now, as I have blogged for Mr. Rockefeller for the last 112 days. You can read my
entries, as written for Mr. Rockefeller, in the
Standard Oil Archives
.

In yesterday’s post, which I wrote for Mr. Rockefeller, I answered a variety of e-mails from those who wished to communicate
a wide array of business opportunities or ideas to Mr. Rockefeller. As I mentioned yesterday, Mr. Rockefeller appreciates
your ideas but is simply way too busy to respond to them. I will say Bill J’s idea for a car powered by something other than
gas so that the United States is not dependent on oil was intriguing, but obviously the kind of scenario that is better suited
to a science fiction novel. Mr. Rockefeller, to whom I brought up the previously suggested idea, did not respond except for
flashing me a smug look which, after 112 days blogging for him, has come to mean, “What are you, stupid?”

Today, Mr. Rockefeller would like me to blog for him about his childhood and his memories and experiences that brought him
to where he is today.

Mr. Rockefeller was born in Richford, New York, and was one of six children. As he grew, Mr. Rockefeller was a stellar student,
a religiously anchored young man, and an extremely driven individual. Mr. Rockefeller eventually would leave high school to
enroll in business classes, which would be the beginning of his huge oil empire.

Mr. Rockefeller would also like you to know this quick fact: Did you know that Mr. Rockefeller’s first job was as a bookkeeper
where he only made $25 a month? It’s quite amazing to see how far this business tycoon has come!

Mr. Rockefeller would like everyone to know that even as a child he had lofty goals for himself and he just kept dreaming
and going after his goals. Mr. Rockefeller would also like you to know that he believes if you don’t give up on your goals
you will eventually reach that which you desire. He also wants you to know that he is not a fan of apples, so if you’re thinking
about sending a gift basket of apples, to refrain from doing that, since they will just end up in the garbage.

Mr. Rockefeller wanted me to make sure you knew his current
e-mail address
in the event you would like to send him an idea, a comment or a question about all of his writings here on his personal blog.
He appreciates your thoughts on the columns he writes, and is always open to requests for subject matter although you must
be aware that since it does take time to write the blog entries, Mr. Rockefeller can’t promise that he’ll choose your subject
to write about! He thanks you for reading daily and can’t wait for you to read his blog tomorrow!

From:
http://www.vince_lombardi.com/blog/

Subject:
Is Playing Football a Fantasy?

Some people suck at winning.

In fact, most people are losers. That’s why people revel in the success of winners. If everyone was a winner, or most people
were winners, then winners wouldn’t much matter in the world since everyone would have the ability to win. But they don’t.
In fact, most of you reading this probably lose more than you care to admit.

No, winning is a rarity, set aside for those who are disciplined and dedicated and have the ability to work themselves to
within an inch of their life. Winning is a treasure for those willing to search long and hard. Winning is reserved for a very
small percentage of society’s men—for just one percent of the entire hundred.

That is, until now.

As a coach, I know what it’s like to win. I’ve finished second only twice in my life. And after those moments, I vowed to
never finish second again. (And I didn’t.) People often ask me what it’s like to feel the rush of taking a team to the top.
They often say that they wish they could experience the same thing, but they’re stuck being accountants or bankers or lawyers.
Thing is, running a football team is no different than running any other kind of organization. Principles are the same. The
object is to beat the other guy and to win. It got me to thinking—how could America’s losers at least get an opportunity to
feel that same rush?

That’s when I came up with the idea for
Lombardi’s Football Fantasy Club
.

Launching today (just click on the above link)—you’ll be able to be the coach of a football team just like me! From a selection
of today’s NFL athletes you’ll pick your players, then follow them through an entire season of game play. Every time one of
your players does something great, something truly heroic and amazing—you’ll get the credit you deserve for picking him and
coaching him. You’ll be considered a winner! Just like me!

But just like the real world—in this Fantasy Club, losers aren’t worth crap. If you lose a game or the majority of the players
you’ve picked are making bad plays and consistently making mistakes, you will be ridiculed and eventually kicked out of the
Fantasy Club. Because losers don’t ever get ahead in the real world, and they won’t here either.

And there won’t be any of those losers-play-losers games like in the real-world NFL. There will be no second place bowl game.
If you lose, you will be kicked out, your user name will be deleted, you’ll lose all the money you put into the game and the
Lombardi Football Fantasy Club will deny that you ever existed. Losers need not ever come back! Losers often face this kind
of disappointment in life, and the Lombardi Football Fantasy Club will be no different. If you lose, you will feel like you
have just ruined your entire life—and you will have! Real stakes. Real situations. Real life.

Are you a winner or a loser? Will you triumph or will you fail? Will you show your greatness or show your loser qualities
to the entire world? It’s a question that you can answer—just by
joining
.

Thanks to all my great readers, by the way! You guys are all champions in my mind and together each and every one of you has
made my website a smashing success!! Pat yourselves on the back, people! You are so great!

Questions or concerns?
E-mail Vince
.

From:
http://www.es.ferdinand_magellan.com/blog/

Subject:
Explo-rants!

Look, it’s no surprise I wanna be an explorer. You’ve heard it a thousand times. I know I can be one. I’ve studied. I’m in
a pretty good place to do it. In fact, in a few weeks I’m gonna head to sea for the first time with Francisco de Almeida on
our way to India—but that’s not what I wanna talk about.

There are explorers…
A-List
explorers. And they are ranting and raving about the most ludicrous, insignificant things on their blogs without ever stopping
to realize that they’re ALREADY FAMOUS EXPLORERS! How many people would die to be an explorer!? How many kids want to grow
up to be just like them!? Yet what do they do? They forget where they came from and just rant and rave (I call it “explo-rants”)
instead of being humble like they should.

Why not check out
Vasco da Gama’s Weblog
? Mr. “Admiral of the Indian Ocean” who was the first to sail from Europe to India doesn’t fill up his pages enlightening
the youth of today with just how it became possible or advice on how to reach such heights. His post from last week,
Extreme Ultimate Admiral
, spends five pages arguing that being called “Admiral” is not nearly enough for the amazing feats he and his crew have accomplished.
What an ego this guy’s got! Totally turned me off.

What about
Hernán Cortés’s Blog
? Have you been to this monstrosity of ego-ness? Yes, sure, he conquered Mexico for Spain but for that does he really deserve
acres of land and Indian slaves? Cortés blogs about
wanting more slaves because he’s really busy
but I think this is just another example of the fame and fortune going to an explorer’s head! I mean, what does he need all
those Indian slaves for? Sure, give him a couple, but why not give some of those Indian slaves to the needy people? The people
who don’t have ANY Indian slaves? Man, when I read that about Cortés, well, I’m not gonna go out and buy any more of his famous
maps anymore. I’d rather give my money to an explorer who deserves it!

And don’t even get me started on
Sebastian Cabot
. This guy, you probably don’t even know who he is! Yeah, yeah—so his dad is
John Cabot
, who discovered Nova Scotia (i.e., Canada). Big deal! Right? So his dad is famous. Well because of that, Sebastian thinks
he should be famous too. In fact, while Sebastian rants about how he
deserves his own ships for exploring this new-found land
he forgets to tell you that he was the one who was involved in that “discovering China” fiasco. All that press and, in the
end, it wasn’t China at all. Sheesh. The kids of famous explorers make me sick.

Finally, it pains me to even say it, but
Christopher Columbus
is losing his marbles. All the guy talks about on his blog now is the fact that he
hates the names of his ships
and he rants about it constantly. Chris, you discovered America. Talk about that. Stop talking about stuff that doesn’t matter
years after the glory days are over.

All I have to say to all of you is this: when I become famous… when I finally accomplish something like, oh I don’t know,
circumnavigating the globe or something, don’t expect me to whine all day long about the weight of all the gold on my back
or my servants or my title. If I’m an explorer, and I get to do what I have always dreamed of… then I’m not going to take
it for granted. I’m going to enjoy it and respect it and give advice to others who were once in my position.

Man, these prima donna explorers and their inflated egos have just about made me lose my lunch.

What about you? Do you agree?
Let me know
.

From:
http://www.spartacus.com/blog/

Subject:
Gladiator School, Week 34

Ugh, I am so over this whole gladiator school thing.

Last week we learned how to fight blindfolded and while on horseback. The week before that, I got a chunk bitten out of my
left leg by a wild boar. The week before that, while fighting on horseback with a gladius and while wearing a visored helmet
(that you can hardly even see through), I got a spear in my right foot from that idiotic Gillias. The week before that, full
armor. The week before that, using the noose. Tridents, daggers, nets, wearing nothing, wearing a shield, a visor, or even
a full tunic in the hot sun. There are lions and wild dogs and a variety of other wild animals you would never want to spend
long periods of time with. Yet here I am, against my will, doing just that.

Sigh. Being a slave sure had its advantages.

Sometimes at night, whichever of us are still alive sit around and talk about our fond memories about being slaves for Roman
families. The whippings and the fetching and the never-ending fatigue. It was heaven compared to this.

Tomorrow, we fight in Ordinarii (or pairs)—one gladiator against another. Tonight there were at least some laughs to be had,
each of us practicing raising our finger—when you beat another gladiator you’re supposed to raise a finger to the audience
so they can decide if the loser should live or die! That was sorta fun, each of us raising our finger to one another and letting
the others decide LIVE or DIE! People were chanting DIE more often than LIVE, but we discussed it for some time and we think
that mostly, if one of us had lost a gladiator match that the audience would probably say LIVE instead of DIE. No one wants
to see that much blood. People hate the sight of it. Of that I’m sure. So, at least there’s a silver lining to this whole
thing.

Oh! Some good news, actually. Looks like Lentulus Batiatus, who owns the school here in Capua, has decided to give the current
survivors their own personal contact mailboxes. So, if you want to correspond with me while I’m incarcerated here, feel free
to
send a message to
[email protected]
. I’ll try to respond as quickly as I can, but know that sometimes I am simply out of commission.

Think good thoughts for me and the others. Hopefully things here at the Gladiator School will get better next week. Probably
not, but I can hope, right?

Oh, and if you’re interested (my old slavemasters were) you can see my
report card
. I’m doing pretty good so far, no matter that I find all of this a little bit forced upon me. I did extremely well in “stabbing
and slicing while blindfolded,” which is, I guess, pretty neat.