The Light in the Wound (16 page)

“No, I wanted to see you, that’s all.”

“A, something’s up with Jesse. Okay, not necessarily with Jesse, but with this girl named Katrina Edwards who’s running for the council with him.”

“That’s what I wanted to tell you. I saw him with her at a few parties during the summer.”

“You did? Like as a couple?”

“No, not necessarily. But I noticed her touching him a lot … like they were familiar with each other.”

“Do you think it’s just because they’ve been working together all summer?”

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

Our conversation stopped for a moment as Mellie walked in to bring us some refreshments. I thanked her in Spanish, and she asked me whether Alex would be joining me for dinner.

“No, gracias, Mellie. Senor Alex tiene otros planes para su noche.”

“God, I have to tell you how hot it makes me whenever I hear you speak Spanish.”

“Note to self. Find Alex a Spanish speaking girlfriend.” I laughed, and continued on with our conversation.

“Thanks for telling me, A. I’ll speak to him about it tomorrow. Right now, I’m still catching up on my sleep, so I’m really exhausted.”

“Isa. I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me.”

“Why would I be mad at you? You’ve been nothing but a great friend to me. I’m really just so tired tonight. I’ll call you tomorrow for sure.” I grabbed Alex’s hand and held it for a few seconds.

With a brief hug and a weary smile, I turned around and walked into my front door. Right before I went to bed, Betty called to check in and ask me how my first day at school went. We spoke for a few minutes until I could hardly get the words out. I fell asleep immediately after we hung up the phone.

I wasn’t able to see Jesse for the next two days. He had evening classes and an away game that I couldn’t attend due to a conflict in my schedule. In a way, I was happy to avoid having a conversation with him about Katrina Edwards. When your life is beset with disappointments like mine was, you somehow learn to value every minute that you have without sadness or drama. That was how I felt at that moment. I was still with Jesse. He was still my boyfriend. Maybe it was best to avoid a confrontation for a few days. We’d had fights before, lots of them. Most of them were because Jesse was unreasonable and possessive; some of them were because I was upset that he couldn’t see me as often as I had hoped. We never went to sleep in a fight. I was known for giving in and apologizing, even when it wasn’t really my fault.

Jesse finally called on Friday morning and asked me to meet him after school. There was another get together with his school running mates at Ryan’s house and he wanted to know if I would attend this event with him. I always did. I never ever refused to see him. The mood was light and easy when I met him after school all dressed up for the party. This time I didn’t care whether or not he said something about my outfit. I wore a black fitted, short dress with a scoop neck in the back, tall red platform heels and a matching red Chanel vintage clutch. He gasped as he saw me walking toward him but smiled warmly and kissed me gently as we met at the front door of Ryan’s house.
“Hi Issy. I missed you so much. Tell Bernard he can go home, I’ll take you home after the party.”

As we walked in hand in hand, Ryan met us with a holler and a whistle. “Isabel, always looking sooooo good.”

“Thanks, Ryan. Are you taking care of my man over here? Making sure he’s being a good boy?” I joked, well, half-joked. Ryan and I exchanged a look of understanding.
He knows something,
I thought to myself.

“Jesse takes care of himself, Isabel. If he screws up, it’s his loss, baby, he knows that. There’s drinks at the bar, enjoy yourselves!” And he turned around to socialize with the others.

About two hours later, the party was in full swing. Jesse and I were sitting together with a group of people who were chatting with him about things I didn’t really know about.

“Hey, Jesse, can I speak to you for a second?” It was Katrina Edwards. In a tube top and white pants. Her hair even more sun kissed than ever.

“I’m not really talking about work right now, Kathy. Let’s table it until Monday,” Jesse replied, visibly agitated.

“Just for a second, Jesse. I just need to run something by you,” she insisted.

Jesse sighed irritably, squeezed my hand and stood up to follow her.

I gave her the two seconds that she asked for and then walked over to where they were standing.

Their conversation suddenly stopped. Jesse took my hand and led me away from everyone.

“What was that all about?”

“I don’t know, Iss. She just wanted to talk about the campaign — not sure why she couldn’t wait until we were back in school.”

“No, Jess, what’s really going on? I have a funny feeling that there’s more to this than you’re saying. At least admit that you know she’s interested in you.”

“But I’m not interested in her!” He exhaled sharply, running his hands through his hair again.

“So she did do something. Tell me, Jess. Alex said he saw you and her out together more than once while I was away.”

“What the fuck were you doing talking to Alex?” He only cursed when he was with his friends or when he was really angry.

“He’s my friend, that’s all. He’s just looking out for me.” My voice was adamant. He wasn’t going to make this about me.

“Yeah, right, he wants in your pants. That’s why he told you.”

I cringed, but continued on. “Well, is it true?”

“Look, babe, we had to attend a couple of functions as running mates. I couldn’t help that. She tried to kiss me one ni-”

“SHE
WHAT
??? And you’re still dealing with her?”

“I have no choice, I have to do this. We’re so close to winning the nomination.”

“What if I said I don’t want you to run with her? Find someone else, Jesse, please,” I pleaded.

“I can’t,” he said resolutely.

“You can’t, or you won’t? Is it really that important to you to win this? You have so much going for you as it stands now. If you’re really doing this for us, I’m telling you, this is going to kill us.” My voice was soft and halted. My heart was slowly crumbling.

“Isabel, please be reasonable. So many people have invested their time in this campaign. I can’t just pull out right now. I’ll control it. I won’t give in to her. I love you so much. She’s nothing to me. I wanted to tell you about that night. I was so drunk and I missed you so much.”

“You kissed her back. YOU kissed her back.”

“You fucking bitch. What about you? You didn’t tell me that Alex went to visit you. Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice cracked as he shoved his hands into his pocket, as if to control himself.

“Alex is a friend, Jesse. You made me stop seeing all of my friends. You made me give up my past life for you. He’s the only one left who can remind me of how different I was before I fell in love with you.”

“So, that’s it then? Do you wanna break up? Because I’m not giving up the campaign or the election for some stupid notion you have that isn’t even there.”

“Wow, Jesse. You just called me a fucking bitch and offered to break up with me all in one breath.”
Do not cry.
I coaxed myself to hold my tears back
.

“It is what it is. I can’t deal with your suspicions at such an important time in my life. It’s probably for the best anyway, since we can’t be holding each other back at this point.”

“You mean I can’t be holding
you
back. You mean
me
.”

I calmly turned around and walked away from him. I placed one foot in front of the other, I could hardly stand and my knees were about to buckle. Tears clouded my eyes but I refused to blink, knowing that once I allowed the tears to flow, they would never stop coming. Jesse didn’t come after me. I left the party, called for Bernard and sat on the sidewalk as I waited for him to arrive. We drove home in silence until we entered the gates of my mother’s house. Bernard turned to me as he switched off the car’s ignition.

“Ma’am Isabel, when you were a little girl, you were so full of life, always happy and always laughing. I remember everyone being so worried about how you’d take everything that you went through with your mother, but you were always so positive about things, so hopeful. I haven’t heard you laugh in a long, long time. I hope that little girl is still somewhere inside the young lady now sitting in the back of this car.”

I held his hand in mine as I lifted myself to get out of the car. “Thank you, Bernard. I sure wish it was that easy.”

My phone rang as I walked through the front door.

ALEX: Are you still at that boring ass student council party?

ME: No, I just got home. So tired, can I just talk to you tomorrow?

I didn’t wait for him to respond as I powered off the phone.

“He did
what
?”

“He said
what
?”

Evie, Alicia and Betty were all over this. Evie was the most vocal, Betty ran and told Alex, and Alicia had a quiet calm about everything she heard. She said that Jesse had called to explain what had happened that night, and she told him that it was best to leave me alone for now until he figured out what he really wanted out of his life. He told her that he’d come too far to give it all up and that he worried I wouldn’t be able to handle his day-to-day dealings with Kathy. He was right about that. Even if I wanted him back, it would never work with her working so closely with him on a daily basis.

I stayed home for the next three days and didn’t do much of anything. He never tried to call me, but Betty and Alicia were hearing from him quite often. He didn’t mean what he said; he was angry and confused. He was jealous about Alex. I heard about all of his reasons and not one of them was enough to pull out the dagger that remained stuck in my heart. That Thursday, I decided that there was no point in me hiding from the world. He ruled the school, but the only way to move past this was for me to make sure I graduated on time. As I walked to class from building to building, I kept my head down, afraid to bump into anyone associated with him. I took the long route to the gym, not wanting to pass by the Student Center. I knew that I wasn’t strong enough to see him with someone else. I didn’t know if I ever would be. With the election campaign in full swing, his face was everywhere in posters and signs all over the school. I had a pathetic routine going — go to class, look down, sit in class, cry in the bathroom, rinse my face and repeat. The days turned into weeks and into months. Jesse and Katrina won the election. There were celebrations for a week, banners and parties. I would be walking past a group of students and I’d feel his presence somewhere in the crowd. I could have sworn I heard him call my name once or twice, but as soon as I turned around to find him, he was nowhere to be found.

“To live without you is to be robbed of love and what is life without it? To live without you is death to me my love, but some call it life.”

—Rumi

Alex came over almost every other evening to keep me company. If you could call it that. Many nights were spent sitting by the front porch with me staring into space and him holding my hand. Some nights there would be bribes of rib sandwiches and chocolate shakes; on other nights, he knew to just hold me while I soaked his designer shirts with my tears.
How long does it take for the shock to wear off?
The physical pain was immense — I was sick to my stomach every minute of every day. No matter how much I tried, I still couldn’t believe that it had been so easy for Jesse to walk away.