The Importance of Being Earnest (29 page)

L
ORD
G
ORING
. I have nothing more to say.

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. Robert, it was not Mrs. Cheveley whom Lord Goring expected last night.

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. Not Mrs. Cheveley! Who was it then?

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Lady Chiltern!

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. It was your own wife. Robert, yesterday afternoon Lord Goring told me that if ever I was in trouble I could come to him for help, as he was our oldest and best friend. Later on, after that terrible scene in this room, I wrote to him telling him that I trusted him, that I had need of him, that I was coming to him for help and advice.
(Sir Robert Chiltern takes the letter out of his pocket.)
Yes, that letter. I didn’t go to Lord Goring’s, after all. I felt that it is from ourselves alone that help can come. Pride made me think that. Mrs. Cheveley went. She stole my letter and sent it anonymously to you this morning, that you should think … Oh! Robert, I cannot tell you what she wished you to think….

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
. What! Had I fallen so low in your eyes that you thought that even for a moment I could have doubted your goodness? Gertrude, Gertrude, you are to me the white image of all good things, and sin can never touch you. Arthur, you can go to Mabel, and you have my best wishes! Oh! stop a moment. There is no name at the beginning of this letter. The brilliant
Mrs. Cheveley does not seem to have noticed that. There should be a name.

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. Let me write yours. It is you I trust and need. You and none else.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Well, really, Lady Chiltern, I think I should have back my own letter.

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
.
(Smiling.)
No; you shall have Mabel.
(Takes the letter and writes her husband’s name on it.)

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Well, I hope she hasn’t changed her mind. It’s nearly twenty minutes since I saw her last.
(Enter Mabel Chiltern and Lord Caversham.)

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Lord Goring, I think your father’s conversation much more improving than yours. I am only going to talk to Lord Caversham in the future, and always under the usual palm tree.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Darling!
(Kisses her.)

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
.
(Considerably taken aback.)
What does this mean, sir? You don’t mean to say that this charming, clever young lady, has been so foolish as to accept you?

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Certainly, father! And Chiltern’s been wise enough to accept the seat in the Cabinet.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. I am very glad to hear that, Chiltern … I congratulate you, sir. If the country doesn’t go to the dogs or the Radicals, we shall have you Prime Minister, some day.

(Enter Mason.)

M
ASON
. Luncheon is on the table, my Lady!

(Mason goes out.)

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. You’ll stop to luncheon, Lord Caversham, won’t you?

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. With pleasure, and I’ll drive you down to Downing Street afterwards, Chiltern. You have a great future before you, a great future. Wish I could say the same for you, sir.
(To Lord Goring.)
But your career will have to be entirely domestic.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Yes, father, I prefer it domestic.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. And if you don’t make this young lady an ideal husband, I’ll cut you off with a shilling.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. An ideal husband! Oh, I don’t think I should like that. It sounds like something in the next world.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. What do you want him to be then, dear?

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. He can be what he chooses. All I want is to be … to be … oh! a real wife to him.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. Upon my word, there is a good deal of common sense in that, Lady Chiltern.

(They all go out except Sir Robert Chiltern. He sinks into a chair, wrapt in thought. After a little time Lady Chiltern returns to look for him.)

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
.
(Leaning over the back of the chair.)
Aren’t you coming in, Robert?

S
IR
R
OBERT
C
HILTERN
.
(Taking her hand.)
Gertrude, is it love you feel for me, or is it pity merely?

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
.
(Kisses him.)
It is love, Robert. Love, and only love.

For both of us a new life is beginning.

CURTAIN

S
CENE
—Morning-room in Algernon’s flat in Half-Moon Street. The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished. The sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room
.

(Lane is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after the music has ceased, Algernon enters.)

A
LGERNON
. Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?

L
ANE
. I didn’t think it polite to listen, sir.

A
LGERNON
. I’m sorry for that, for your sake. I don’t play accurately—anyone can play accurately—but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. I keep science for Life.

L
ANE
. Yes, sir.

A
LGERNON
. And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell?

L
ANE
. Yes, sir.
(Hands them on a salver.)

A
LGERNON
.
(Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa.)
Oh! … by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed.

L
ANE
. Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint.

A
LGERNON
. Why is it that at a bachelor’s establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for information.

L
ANE
. I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.

A
LGERNON
. Good Heavens! Is marriage so demoralizing as that?

L
ANE
. I believe it
is
a very pleasant state, sir. I have had very little
experience of it myself up to the present. I have only been married once. That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person.

A
LGERNON
.
(Languidly.)
I don’t know that I am much interested in your family life, Lane.

L
ANE
. No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject. I never think of it myself.

A
LGERNON
. Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane, thank you.

L
ANE
. Thank you, sir.

(Lane goes out
.

A
LGERNON
. Lane’s views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Really, if the lower orders don’t set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them? They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility.
(Enter Lane.)

L
ANE
. Mr. Ernest Worthing.

(Enter Jack.)   (Lane goes out.)

A
LGERNON
. How are you, my dear Ernest? What brings you up to town?

J
ACK
. Oh, pleasure, pleasure! What else should bring one anywhere? Eating as usual, I see, Algy!

A
LGERNON
.
(Stiffly.)
I believe it is customary in good society to take some slight refreshment at five o’clock. Where have you been since last Thursday?

J
ACK
.
(Sitting down on the sofa.)
In the country.

A
LGERNON
. What on earth do you do there?

J
ACK
.
(Pulling off his gloves.)
When one is in town one amuses oneself. When one is in the country one amuses other people. It is excessively boring.

A
LGERNON
. And who are the people you amuse?

J
ACK
.
(Airily.)
Oh, neighbours, neighbours.

A
LGERNON
. Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire?

J
ACK
. Perfectly horrid! Never speak to one of them.

A
LGERNON
. How immensely you must amuse them!
(Goes over and takes sandwich.)
By the way, Shropshire is your county, is it not?

J
ACK
. Eh? Shropshire? Yes, of course. Hallo! Why all these cups?

Why cucumber sandwiches? Why such reckless extravagance in one so young? Who is coming to tea?

A
LGERNON
. Oh! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen.

J
ACK
. How perfectly delightful!

A
LGERNON
. Yes, that is all very well; but I am afraid Aunt Augusta won’t quite approve of your being here.

J
ACK
. May I ask why?

A
LGERNON
. My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolen is perfectly disgraceful. It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen flirts with you.

J
ACK
. I am in love with Gwendolen. I have come up to town expressly to propose to her.

A
LGERNON
. I thought you had come up for pleasure? … I call that business.

J
ACK
. How utterly unromantic you are!

A
LGERNON
. I really don’t see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I’ll certainly try to forget the fact.

J
ACK
. I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted.

A
LGERNON
. Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are made in Heaven——
(Jack puts out his hand to take a sandwich
.
ALGERNON
at once interferes.)
Please don’t touch the cucumber sandwiches. They are ordered specially for Aunt Augusta.
(Takes one and eats it.)

J
ACK
. Well, you have been eating them all the time.

A
LGERNON
. That is quite a different matter. She is my aunt.
(Takes plate from below.)
Have some bread and butter. The bread and butter is for Gwendolen. Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter.

J
ACK
.
(Advancing to table and helping himself.)
And very good bread and butter it is too.

A
LGERNON
. Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were
going to eat it all. You behave as if you were married to her already. You are not married to her already, and I don’t think you ever will be.

J
ACK
. Why on earth do you say that?