The Importance of Being Earnest (37 page)

J
ACK
. I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. I love her.

A
LGERNON
. Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. I adore her.

J
ACK
. There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew.

A
LGERNON
. I don’t think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you and Miss Fairfax being united. Jack. Well, that is no business of yours.

A
LGERNON
. If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it.
(Begins to eat muffins.)
It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stockbrokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

J
ACK
. How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.

A
LGERNON
. Well, I can’t eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

J
ACK
. I say it’s perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.

A
LGERNON
. When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as anyone who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins.
(Rising.)

J
ACK
.
(Rising.)
Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way.
(Takes muffins from Algernon.)

A
LGERNON
.
(Offering tea-cake.)
I wish you would have tea-cake instead. I don’t like tea-cake.

J
ACK
. Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden.

A
LGERNON
. But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins.

J
ACK
. I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances. That is a very different thing.

A
LGERNON
. That may be. But the muffins are the same.
(He seizes the muffin-dish from Jack.)

J
ACK
. Algy, I wish to goodness you would go.

A
LGERNON
. You can’t possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It’s absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that. Besides I have just made arrangements with Dr. Chasuble to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest.

J
ACK
. My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense the better. I made arrangements this morning with Dr. Chasuble to be christened myself at 5:30, and I naturally will take the name of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it. We can’t both be christened Ernest. It’s absurd. Besides, I have a perfect right to be christened if I like. There is no evidence at all that I ever have been christened by anybody. I should think it extremely probable I never was, and so does Dr. Chasuble. It is entirely different in your case. You have been christened already.

A
LGERNON
. Yes, but I have not been christened for years.

J
ACK
. Yes, but you have been christened. That is the important thing.

A
LGERNON
. Quite so. So I know my constitution can stand it. If you are not quite sure about your ever having been christened, I must say I think it rather dangerous your venturing on it now. It might make you very unwell. You can hardly have forgotten that someone very closely connected with you was very nearly carried off this week in Paris by a severe chill.

J
ACK
. Yes, but you said yourself that a severe chill was not hereditary.

A
LGERNON
. It usen’t to be, I know—but I daresay it is now. Science is always making wonderful improvements in things.

J
ACK
.
(Picking up the muffin-dish.)
Oh, that is nonsense; you are always talking nonsense.

A
LGERNON
. Jack, you are at the muffins again! I wish you wouldn’t. There are only two left.
(Takes them.)
I told you I was particularly fond of muffins.

J
ACK
. But I hate tea-cake.

A
LGERNON
. Why on earth then do you allow tea-cake to be served up for your guests? What ideas you have of hospitality!

J
ACK
. Algernon! I have already told you to go. I don’t want you here. Why don’t you go!

A
LGERNON
. I haven’t quite finished my tea yet! and there is still one muffin left.

(Jack groans, and sinks into a chair. Algernon still continues eating.)

ACT-DROP

S
CENE
—Morning-room at the Manor House
.

(Gwendolen and Cecily are at the window, looking out into the garden.)

G
WENDOLEN
. The fact that they did not follow us at once into the house, as anyone else would have done, seems to me to show that they have some sense of shame left.

C
ECILY
. They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance.

G
WENDOLEN
.
(After a pause.)
They don’t seem to notice us at all. Couldn’t you cough?

C
ECILY
. But I haven’t got a cough.

G
WENDOLEN
. They’re looking at us. What effrontery!

C
ECILY
. They’re approaching. That’s very forward of them.

G
WENDOLEN
. Let us preserve a dignified silence.

C
ECILY
. Certainly. It’s the only thing to do now.

(Enter Jack followed by Algernon. They whistle some dreadful popular air from a British Opera.)

G
WENDOLEN
. This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect.

C
ECILY
. A most distasteful one.

G
WENDOLEN
. But we will not be the first to speak.

C
ECILY
. Certainly not.

G
WENDOLEN
. Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you. Much depends on your reply.

C
ECILY
. Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable. Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following question. Why did you pretend to be my guardian’s brother?

A
LGERNON
. In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you.

C
ECILY
.
(To Gwendolen.)
That certainly seems a satisfactory explanation, does it not?

G
WENDOLEN
. Yes, dear, if you can believe him.

C
ECILY
. I don’t. But that does not affect the wonderful beauty of his answer.

G
WENDOLEN
. True. In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity is the vital thing. Mr. Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pretending to have a brother? Was it in order that you might have an opportunity of coming up to town to see me as often as possible?

J
ACK
. Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax?

G
WENDOLEN
. I have the gravest doubts upon the subject. But I intend to crush them. This is not the moment for German scepticism.
(Moving to Cecily.)
Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing’s. That seems to me to have the stamp of truth upon it.

C
ECILY
. I am more than content with what Mr. Moncrieff said. His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity.

G
WENDOLEN
. Then you think we should forgive them?

C
ECILY
. Yes. I mean no.

G
WENDOLEN
. True! I had forgotten. There are principles at stake that one cannot surrender. Which of us should tell them? The task is not a pleasant one.

C
ECILY
. Could we not both speak at the same time?

G
WENDOLEN
. An excellent idea! I nearly always speak at the same time as other people. Will you take the time from me?

C
ECILY
. Certainly.
(Gwendolen beats time with uplifted finger.)

G
WENDOLEN
and
CECILY
.
(Speaking together.)
Your Christian names are still an insuperable barrier. That is all!

JACK
and
ALGERNON
.
(Speaking together.)
Our Christian names! Is that all? But we are going to be christened this afternoon.

G
WENDOLEN
.
(To Jack.)
For my sake you are prepared to do this terrible thing?

J
ACK
. I am.

C
ECILY
.
(To Algernon.)
To please me you are ready to face this fearful ordeal?

A
LGERNON
. I am!

G
WENDOLEN
. How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes! Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us.

J
ACK
. We are.
(Clasps hands with Algernon.)

Cecily. They have moments of physical courage of which we women know absolutely nothing.

G
WENDOLEN
.
(To Jack.)
Darling!

A
LGERNON
.
(To Cecily.)
Darling!
(They fall into each other’s arms.) (Enter Merriman. When he enters he coughs loudly, seeing the situation.)

M
ERRIMAN
. Ahem! Ahem! Lady Bracknell!

J
ACK
. Good heavens!

(Enter Lady Bracknell. The couples separate in alarm. Exit Merriman.)

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. Gwendolen! What does this mean?

G
WENDOLEN
. Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr. Worthing, mamma.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. Come here. Sit down. Sit down immediately. Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, of physical weakness in the old.
(Turns to Jack.)
Apprised, sir, of my daughter’s sudden flight by her trusty maid, whose confidence I purchased by means of a small coin, I followed her at once by a luggage train. Her unhappy father is, I am glad to say, under the impression that she is attending a more than usually lengthy lecture by the University of Extension Scheme on the Influence of a permanent income on Thought. I do not propose to undeceive him. Indeed I have never undeceived him on any question. I would consider it wrong. But of course, you will clearly understand that all communication between yourself and my daughter must cease immediately from this moment. on this point, as indeed on all points, I am firm.

J
ACK
. I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen, Lady Bracknell!

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. You are nothing of the kind, sir. And now, as regards Algernon!… Algernon!

A
LGERNON
. Yes, Aunt Augusta.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. May I ask if it is in this house that your invalid friend Mr. Bunbury resides?

A
LGERNON
.
(Stammering.)
Oh! No! Bunbury doesn’t live here. Bunbury is somewhere else at present. In fact, Bunbury is dead.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. Dead! When did Mr. Bunbury die? His death must have been extremely sudden.

A
LGERNON
.
(Airily.)
Oh! I killed Bunbury this afternoon. I mean poor Bunbury died this afternoon.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. What did he die of?

A
LGERNON
. Bunbury? Oh, he was quite exploded.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. Exploded! Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage? I was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was interested in social legislation. If so, he is well punished for his morbidity.

A
LGERNON
. My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found out! The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean—so Bunbury died.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however, that he made up his mind at the last to some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice. And now that we have finally got rid of this Mr. Bunbury, may I ask, Mr. Worthing, who is that young person whose hand my nephew Algernon is now holding in what seems to me a peculiarly unnecessary manner?

J
ACK
. That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward.
(Lady Bracknell bows coldly to Cecily.)

A
LGERNON
. I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt Augusta.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. I beg your pardon?

C
ECILY
. Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged to be married, Lady Bracknell.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
.
(With a shiver, crossing to the sofa and sitting down.)
I do not know whether there is anything peculiarly exciting in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements that go on seems to me considerably above the proper average that statistics have laid down for our guidance. I think some preliminary enquiry on my part would not be out of place. Mr. Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all connected with any of the larger railway stations in London? I merely desire information. Until yesterday I had no idea that there were any families
or persons whose origin was a Terminus.
(Jack looks perfectly furious, but restrains himself.)

J
ACK
.
(In a clear, cold voice.)
Miss Cardew is the granddaughter of the late Mr. Thomas Cardew of 149, Belgrave Square, S.W.; Gervase Park, Dorking, Surrey; and the Sporran, Fifeshire, N.B.