The Importance of Being Earnest (26 page)

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Love letter?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
.
(Laughing.)
“I want you. I trust you. I am coming to you. Gertrude.”

(Lord Goring rushes to the bureau and takes the envelope, finds it empty, and turns round.)

L
ORD
G
ORING
. You wretched woman, must you always be thieving? Give me back that letter. I’ll take it from you by force. You shall not leave my room till I have got it.

(He rushes towards her, but Mrs. Cheveley at once puts her hand on the
electric bell that is on the table. The bell sounds with shrill reverberations, and Phipps enters.)

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
.
(After a pause.)
Lord Goring merely rang that you should show me out. Good-night, Lord Goring!
(Goes out, followed by Phipps. Her face is illumined with evil triumph. There is joy in her eyes. Youth seems to have come back to her. Her last glance is like a swift arrow. Lord Goring bites his lip, and lights a cigarette.)

ACT-DROP

S
CENE
—Same as Act II
.

(Lord Goring is standing by the fireplace with his hands in his pockets. He is looking rather bored.)

L
ORD
G
ORING
.
(Pulls out his watch, inspects it, and rings the bell.)
It is a great nuisance. I can’t find anyone in this house to talk to. And I am full of interesting information. I feel like the latest edition of something or other.

(Enter Servant.)

J
AMES
. Sir Robert is still at the Foreign Office, my lord.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Lady Chiltern not down yet?

J
AMES
. Her ladyship has not yet left her room. Miss Chiltern has just come in from riding.

L
ORD
G
ORING
.
(To himself.)
Ah! that is something.

J
AMES
. Lord Caversham has been waiting some time in the library for Sir Robert. I told him your lordship was here.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Thank you. Would you kindly tell him I’ve gone?

J
AMES
.
(Bowing.)
I shall do so, my lord.

(Exit Servant.)

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Really, I don’t want to meet my father three days running. It is a great deal too much excitement for any son. I hope to goodness he won’t come up. Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life. Mothers are different. Mothers are darlings.
(Throws himself down into a chair, picks up a paper and begins to read it.) (Enter Lord Caversham.)

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. Well, sir, what are you doing here? Wasting your time as usual, I suppose?

L
ORD
G
ORING
.
(Throws down paper and rises.)
My dear father, when
one pays a visit it is for the purpose of wasting other people’s time, not one’s own.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. Have you been thinking over what I spoke to you about last night?

L
ORD
G
ORING
. I have been thinking about nothing else.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. Engaged to be married yet?

L
ORD
G
ORING
.
(Genially.)
Not yet: but I hope to be before lunchtime.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
.
(Caustically.)
You can have till dinner-time if it would be of any convenience to you.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Thanks awfully, but I think I’d sooner be engaged before lunch.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. Humph! Never know when you are serious or not.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Neither do I, father.

(A pause.)

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. I suppose you have read “The Times” this morning?

L
ORD
G
ORING
.
(Airily.)
“The Times”? Certainly not. I only read “The Morning Post.” All that one should know about modern life is where the Duchesses are; anything else is quite demoralizing.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. Do you mean to say you have not read “The Times” leading article on Robert Chiltern’s career?

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Good heavens! No. What does it say?

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. What should it say, sir? Everything complimentary, of course. Chiltern’s speech last night on this Argentine Canal Scheme was one of the finest pieces of oratory ever delivered in the House since Canning.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Ah! Never heard of Canning. Never wanted to. And did … did Chiltern uphold the scheme?

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. Uphold it, sir? How little you know him! Why, he denounced it roundly, and the whole system of modern political finance. This speech is the turning-point in his career, as “The Times” points out. You should read this article, sir.
(Opens
“The Times.”)
“Sir Robert Chiltern … most rising of all our young statesmen … Brilliant orator … Unblemished career … Well-known integrity of character … Represents what is best in English public life … Noble contrast to the lax morality so common among foreign politicians.” They will never say that of you, sir.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. I sincerely hope not, father. However, I am delighted at what you tell me about Robert, thoroughly delighted. It shows he has got pluck.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. He has got more than pluck, sir, he has got genius.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Ah! I prefer pluck. It is not so common, nowadays, as genius is.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. I wish you would go into Parliament?

L
ORD
G
ORING
. My dear father, only people who look dull ever get into the House of Commons, and only people who are dull ever succeed there.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. Why don’t you try to do something useful in life?

L
ORD
G
ORING
. I am far too young.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
.
(Testily.)
I hate this affectation of youth, sir. It is a great deal too prevalent nowadays.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Youth isn’t an affectation. Youth is an art.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. Why don’t you propose to that pretty Miss Chiltern?

L
ORD
G
ORING
. I am of a very nervous disposition, especially in the morning.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. I don’t suppose there is the smallest chance of her accepting you.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. I don’t know how the betting stands to-day.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. If she did accept you she would be the prettiest fool in England.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. That is just what I should like to marry. A thoroughly sensible wife would reduce me to a condition of absolute idiocy in less than six months.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. You don’t deserve her, sir.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. My dear father, if we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it.

(Enter Mabel Chiltern.)

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Oh! … How do you do, Lord Caversham? I hope Lady Caversham is quite well?

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. Lady Caversham is as usual, as usual.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Good morning, Miss Mabel!

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
.
(Taking no notice at all of Lord Goring, and addressing herself exclusively to Lord Caversham.)
And Lady Caversham’s bonnets … are they at all better?

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. They have had a serious relapse, I am sorry to say.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Good morning, Miss Mabel!

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
.
(To Lord Caversham.)
I hope an operation will not be necessary.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
.
(Smiling at her pertness.)
If it is we shall have to give Lady Caversham a narcotic. Otherwise she would never consent to have a feather touched.

L
ORD
G
ORING
.
(With increased emphasis.)
Good morning, Miss Mabel!

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
.
(Turning round with feigned surprise.)
Oh, are you here? of course you understand that after your breaking your appointment I am never going to speak to you again.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Oh, please don’t say such a thing. You are the one person in London I really like to have to listen to me.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Lord Goring, I never believe a single word that either you or I say to each other.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. You are quite right, my dear, quite right … as far as he is concerned, I mean.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Do you think you could possibly make your son behave a little better occasionally? Just as a change.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. I regret to say, Miss Chiltern, that I have no influence at all over my son. I wish I had. If I had, I know what I would make him do.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. I am afraid that he has one of those terribly weak natures that are not susceptible to influence.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. He is very heartless, very heartless.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. It seems to me that I am a little in the way here.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. It is very good for you to be in the way, and to know what people say of you behind your back.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. After that, my dear, I really must bid you good morning.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Oh! I hope you are not going to leave me all alone with Lord Goring? Especially at such an early hour in the day.

L
ORD
C
AVERSHAM
. I am afraid I can’t take him with me to Downing Street. It is not the Prime Minister’s day for seeing the unemployed.

(Shakes hands with Mabel Chiltern, takes up his hat and stick, and goes out, with a parting glare of indignation at Lord Goring.)

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
.
(Takes up roses and begins to arrange them in a bowl on the table.)
People who don’t keep their appointments in the Park are horrid.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Detestable.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. I am glad you admit it. But I wish you wouldn’t look so pleased about it.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. I can’t help it. I always look pleased when I am with you.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
.
(Sadly.)
Then I suppose it is my duty to remain with you?
LORD GORING
. Of course it is.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Well, my duty is a thing I never do, on principle.

It always depresses me. So I am afraid I must leave you.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Please don’t, Miss Mabel. I have something very particular to say to you.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
.
(Rapturously.)
Oh! is it a proposal?

L
ORD
G
ORING
.
(Somewhat taken aback.)
Well, yes, it is—I am bound to say it is.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
.
(With a sigh of pleasure.)
I am so glad. That makes the second to-day.

L
ORD
G
ORING
.
(Indignantly.)
The second to-day? What conceited ass has been impertinent enough to dare to propose to you before I had proposed to you?

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Tommy Trafford, of course. It is one of Tommy’s days for proposing. He always proposes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, during the season.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. You didn’t accept him, I hope?

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. I make it a rule never to accept Tommy. That is why he goes on proposing. Of course, as you didn’t turn up this morning, I very nearly said yes. It would have been an excellent lesson both for him and for you if I had. It would have taught you both better manners.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Oh! bother Tommy Trafford. Tommy is a silly little ass. I love you.