The Guide to Getting It On (94 page)

So I gave up long ago on trying to predict what makes a relationship work or fail, and whether having a threesome was a good idea or bad. I figured it is a good idea for some couples, and a bad idea for others. I also gave up on any notions that swinging was for liberals and monogamy was for conservatives. One of the complaints I’ve heard from people in the swinging lifestyle is how conservative other swingers often are politically. A sizeable number of the couples are in the police and military, as well as grade-school and high-school teachers—all hazardous professions, as far as I’m concerned.

How Many Wives Can Fit on the Head of a What?

Having a threesome is not an unusual fantasy. But what about those adventurous souls who actually want to try it? It’s not like you can walk up to the reference desk at your local library and say, “My wife’s birthday is coming up and she’s always wanted to do a guy with a bigger dick than me
—
do you have any books on that?” or “The three of us live together and share the same bed; do you have any books that can help our parents understand?”

Threesomes can evolve in many different ways. They can be a once-in-a-lifetime event when your husband’s old college roommate visited for the weekend, or it might be something you do a couple of times a month.

Adding a third person in sex isn’t like adding another cherry to your banana split. Threesomes are a declaration of war on two-thousand years of marital tradition—namely, that if you want to include another person in your sexual mix, you are supposed to lie to your partner and cheat on the side. So caution is in order. A threesome revolves around the emotions of three people instead of the usual two. The potential for everything goes up—from the level of sexual excitement to the degree of hurt and anguish.

The Definitions

There are many ways that people have sex in numbers. So before visiting the land of three, let’s consider the following:

Threesome—
This usually means two guys and a girl, or two girls and a guy. One of the
Ms
and one of the
Fs
are frequently in a committed relationship, with the third
M
or
F
being a free agent.

Open Marriage—
This is when a primary couple agrees that each other can hook up with outsiders for sex. The past decade has seen an increase in couples who agree on the open-marriage option from the start. However, they usually don’t announce this addendum at their wedding ceremony.

Swinging
or
Being in the Lifestyle—
This is when an established couple gets together with a larger group to have sex. It has many variations, from when two couples enjoy getting it on in tandem, to sex in large party rooms where almost anything goes. While the swinging couples often form friendships, it is the recreational part of sex that initially draws them together. (The term
swinging,
which replaced
wife swapping,
is now being replaced by
lifestyle.
)

Polyamory—
A fluid state of friendship, love and sexual intimacy. Poly-people don’t just get horny and have sex with anything that moves. There is romance, friendship and intimacy, but with more people than a husband or wife. (For more info, please see the resources at the end of this chapter.)

Wife Swapping—
Wife swapping used to be the catch-all term for anything that couples did that they wouldn’t tell their priest about in confession. But the term got to be politically incorrect, and it implied something that wasn’t true. As the authors of
Considering Swinging
point out, “It’s the women who usually run the swinging show.”

Let There Be Three

Why do people have threesomes? For starters—alcohol. Plenty of threesomes occur when three friends have been drinking enough to lose their inhibitions, but not enough to lose their erections. Threesomes created on the vapors of ethanol are seldom planned and seldom repeated. Threesomes that endure usually take forethought and planning.

Threesomes are often structured like the food pyramid that the U.S. government publishes. At the base of the pyramid or threesome triangle is a male-female couple involved in an ongoing love relationship. They are the whole-grains and green-leafy-vegetable part of the food pyramid. The third person is the forbidden food at the top—the sugars, desserts, and fats.

The possibilities for what three people can do when they are together could fill a book. Why they decide on an
MMF
or FFM could fill volume two, although there’s no reason why a threesome can’t include three males or females. If you don’t know what you’d like to do and need a menu of possibilities, then maybe it’s not the right time to be trying a threesome. While some successful threesomes just fall out of the sky, most take a great deal of planning and thought. Here are a couple of hundreds of things to consider:

In
MMF
threesomes, the chemistry between the men can range from “I’m fine with you doing her, but touch me with your dick and you’re dead!” to “Oops, it just kinda slipped into my mouth!” The following chapter on DP discusses how if the two guys are seriously homophobic, things can get a little strange. At the other end of the spectrum, guy-doing-guy play can work out well if the men are willing and the woman is turned on by everybody doing everybody. It won’t work so well if she’s thinking, “My idea of fun is not sitting here watching my husband with a man’s cock in his mouth!”

In
FFM
threesomes, the over-riding dynamic is often the desire of the women to experience more than the usual girl-hug and kiss. This kind of threesome is often about letting the women explore, with the man providing a safe, solid, masculine backstop.

There are many ways that the man can help same-sex exploration feel safer. The women might want him to be lying on his back, with one of them sitting on his penis while the other is sitting on his face. Both women are facing each other and they can kiss and caress while being connected to a man sexually. (This combination might be more comfortable when all three are on their sides.) Or maybe the women will be happier if he just watches and strokes himself, or if he joins one in doing the other.

Unless both women are totally into it, it’s usually not a good idea for an
FFM
to focus around pleasing the man.
FFM
threesomes usually work better if the man takes a background role and allows the ladies’ to lead. He should never try to script the threesome or try to set the tempo, unless it’s a BDSM scene with a master and his two naughty slaves.

In a threesome, the women’s orgasms are seldom the end of anything. They’re more like the “fasten your safety belt” sign. However, the men’s orgasms in a threesome can put a definite dent in the sexual build up. This may be one of the reasons why members in an
FFM
threesome often spend the night together, nestled in each other’s arms, while in
MMF
threesomes the third-wheel guy usually goes home after the final wads are fired.

The Plan

Spontaneous sex is a special gift of the gods that is bestowed upon young couples who have undemanding jobs with predictable hours, no children, and friends and relatives who live on other planets. For everyone else, planning and compromise are as important to a good sex life as the twinkle in your eye and bulge in his pants. Triple that for sex with three.

The next part of this chapter is about some of the planning and logistics that are involved in having a threesome. It is divided into four sections:

1. More Than a Fantasy, But Not Yet a Plan—
things to consider when considering a threesome. 2.
The Pre-Penetration Plan—
from how to find a third wheel to pre-penetration negotiations. 3.
Let the Party Begin—
possible positions and positions on what’s possible. 4.
The Morning After—
don’t let the dawn get you down.

More Than a Fantasy, But Not Yet a Plan

This chapter assumes that your threesome is made up of an established couple and a third wheel. That isn’t how it needs to be. There are debates about whether threesomes are best when they are made up of three individuals versus a primary couple and a third wheel. There are also debates about whether the third wheel should be a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. There are no studies on these options, only opinions, and good luck finding any two that fully agree. These next sections are written as if the primary couple is the main audience. A separate section for “the third wheel” follows.

A number of these suggestions are from Suzy Bauer’s e-book,
Step By Step Threesomes,
Nina Hartley’s How-To Threesome
series of videotapes, and from Violet Blue’s chapter on threesomes in her book,
The Ultimate Guide To Sexual Fantasy—How to Turn Your Fantasies into Reality.

• When you are first discussing the possibility of a threesome with your partner, avoid blurting out a list of potential lovers, such as “Your friend Ally would be sensational!” or “I’m sure Jason would add a great deal!” What your partner will hear is that you can’t wait to screw someone else. If your partner is receptive to the idea of a threesome, you might ask who he or she thinks would make a good third.
  
• Anticipate that the threesome could sour your relationship. And what if one of you fell for the third wheel? Be sure to discuss these possibilities and strategies to deal with them ahead of time.
  
• Try to imagine the sight of someone attractive and alluring having sex with your partner. Your partner is laughing, flirting, sighing, and enjoying intense pleasure with this person. How will you deal with it when it happens during your threesome? Are there ways you can signal your partner if jealousy is getting the better of you, so she or he can help reassure you?
  
• In a threesome, an erotic connection can sometimes build between two of the participants, with the third person being left out. This is fine as long as the third person enjoys watching, but can result in a major pout if he or she feels excluded. How will you deal with this when it happens?
  
• What if your threesome is an
  MMF
  , and when the third-wheel guy drops his drawers, you and your partner drop your jaws? What if nature blessed the boy with a package of penile perfection? Ditto if you are a woman, and the second female has the kind of body that a woman only gets when she’s cut a deal with the devil? Are you prepared for this kind of situation?
  
• Before trying a threesome, why not rent some videos that show the different positions and possibilities?
  
• If you are considering an
  MFF
  threesome, you can simulate it by going to a upper-end strip bar where you can pay one of the girls to do a lap dance for you. It might give you a sense of the buttons that are pushed. However, think three times before taking a nude dancer or prostitute home for a threesome. She might be so experienced that it gets strange. It’s better to stick with someone whose sexual perspective and experience level is closer to your own.
  
• If you are considering an
  MMF
  , both of you might see what it’s like to be in a strip bar where male dancers are the ones who get naked. Since they usually don’t allow other males in the audience during male stripper shows for women, you might need to visit the gay part of town for this. Even if your guy isn’t into the same-sex aspect of an
  MMF
  , it will give both of you a sense of what it might be like to have another naked male in your presence. Besides, it could be worth a chuckle to see other guys trying to pick up your husband.
  

Whether the dancers at a strip club are male or female, keep in mind that these places are seldom equal-opportunity employers. It is unlikely that the third wheel in your threesome will be quite so uninhibited or look like he or she spends hours each day at the gym.