The Guide to Getting It On (95 page)

Your Pre-Penetration Plan

• To prepare for your first
  MMF
  , the woman might consider getting a dildo and butt plug for practice. She can simulate different penetration scenarios with her partner and the toys, which can help the actual threesome to be more manageable rather than overwhelming. (Most
  MMF
  s don’t do double penetration. But just having a penis in your mouth at the same time that you’ve got one in your pelvis will provide a lot more man than most women are used to.)
  
• Having a threesome with a friend can deepen your friendship, or it can seriously mess it up. And while it might be good to have a threesome with someone you know and trust, it’s not such a good idea if he or she has a secret crush on you or your partner. Likewise, an ex boy- or girlfriend could make a good third, or a horrible third.
  
• To find a third wheel who is not a friend or an acquaintance, swingers have clothes-on munches which you might check out. Male strip shows can be excellent trolling-grounds for MFFs. The women in the audience are usually amped and uninhibited. Plus, the male dancers are often gay and more interested in the money than the honey, so they aren’t competition. One strategy is for the female to show up at the start, spotting potential women from the audience. Her male partner joins her after the strippers are done and the regular stiffs are allowed in. Other possibilities for meeting a third wheel include the Internet and ads in magazines or papers, although print media should be a last resort. The ads need to be carefully worded and carefully placed. Also, keep your eye out for single moms. After doing threesomes for a number of years, Suzy Bauer and her husband were thinking back over the numerous women who had joined them, and it suddenly hit them that the majority were single moms.
  
• If the prospective third wheel is an unknown entity, protect your identity. Only provide a cell-phone number or an e-mail address. If they then contact you, set up a face-to-face meeting at a neutral location where you can meet with your clothes on. Discuss things like setting up personal boundaries, safe-sex precautions, and what you hope to get from your threesome. If the pre-penetration meeting doesn’t increase your desire, or the chemistry doesn’t feel right, consider it a message from the heavens above that you don’t have the right combination.
  
• Before your clothes-on pre-penetration meeting, decide what is and isn’t off-limits. For instance, one woman might be fine with a third wheel giving her husband a blowjob, but will morph into a psychotic puddle if the third wheel and her spouse French kiss. So she needs to set love-making limits that encourage the third wheel to kiss her husband anywhere from the Adam’s apple down, but nowhere above. Make a list of the things that you’d like to encourage and discourage. Discuss them during your pre-penetration meeting.
  
• If a man is being invited into a threesome with an established couple, he needs to have a thumbs-up from the primary-couple’s male partner, as in “Don’t worry, I won’t kill you if you fuck my wife.” One way to do this is for the male of the primary couple to bring up the subject of a possible
  MMF
  threesome to third-wheel male candidates. Likewise, if an
  FFM
  suits your fancy, the alpha female needs to invite the other woman to join. There are exceptions to these rules of the jungle, but respecting them will serve you well.
  
• As with any situation where a new partner is involved, you need to protect yourself against sexually transmitted infections. Do not take a stranger’s word that he or she is disease-free. Be sure to use condoms, plenty of lube, and any other safe-sex precautions that the situation warrants. Also be sure to protect against unwanted pregnancy. And if you are having an
  FFM
  , and the M is going to be double-dipping into the FFs’ vaginas or rectums, he’ll need to change condoms when going from one girl to the next, and from one orifice to the next. So have a bunch of condoms and lube handy.
  

Let the Party Begin

First and foremost, consider the following advice by Nina Hartley from her
Nina Hartley’s Guide to Threesomes
videos:

“Start slow, with lots of teasing and foreplay, kissing, petting, massage. It’s likely two of you will be part of an existing couple where you know each other’s sexuality better than the newcomer, so don’t rush. Take your time bringing the newcomer into the situation. Unlike us [porn stars], you aren’t making a movie. You don’t have to be so goal-oriented. Let things unfold naturally instead of pushing for the kind of acrobatics you see in porn. It may take more than one get-together to make it all work, so don’t be discouraged if the first threesome ends up with a double blowjob or handjob. It may take time for the three of you to get comfortable enough for actual intercourse. It is not necessary for all three partners to be equally engaged at the same times. Kicking back and watching can be exciting, too. Don’t assume that dicks in every hole at all times is a measure of a successful threesome. Do the easiest things first, and see what develops. Don’t forget to talk about your feelings after-ward. You’ll want to learn as much as possible from each experience.”

• Be sensitive that you are inviting a perfect stranger into your love-making lair. Don’t assume that he or she has a clue of what to do or how to be. This is the moment of truth when what used to be 100 percent fantasy becomes 100 percent reality, which is not always the prettiest of transitions. Be gracious, kind, and offer the level of reassurance that you would want someone to offer you. The third wheel is not a fuck-bot who is there at your convenience, unless you are paying by the hour.
  
• Just being naked together, feeling relaxed, and opening up sexually is a major accomplishment. Pay attention to the chemistry of the threesome rather than to your own need to get off. Don’t try to script your threesome. It may take a couple of times together before the three of you find your groove.
  
• Your primary concern in any relationship should be that your partner feels loved and valued by you. This may mean paying more attention to your partner than to the third wheel—unless you agree that one of you mostly wants to watch. This doesn’t mean you should be anything less than welcoming to the third wheel, but the chances are good that you didn’t have children with the third wheel, and you don’t share a mortgage and car payments.
  
• Be sober enough to legally drive. If you are too anxious to proceed without getting stoned or plowed, consider it a sign that this isn’t something you should be doing.
  
• Don’t be afraid to stop half way through the lovemaking to talk about what’s going well and what could be going better. With three, you need to huddle often.
  
• There could be a time during an
  MMF
  when the woman is on all fours and is doing oral on the guy who’s in front of her while the other guy is behind her and thrusting, aka “spit roasting.” The male who is thrusting into her vagina or rectum needs to check in with her about rhythm and depth, since his thrusting might be causing her to gag on the penis of the guy who’s in front. Likewise, the guy in the front needs to establish with her a comfortable pelvis-to-face distance. Both males need to be aware that the woman is between a rock and a hard place. You will probably need to work out a nonverbal signaling system, given what’s in her mouth and all. Likewise, during an
  FFM
  , if the man has his penis inside one of the women who is giving the other woman oral sex, he needs to check in with her about the best speed and depth for thrusting. Otherwise, his thrusting might be making it difficult for her to keep her lips around whatever it is they are around.
  
• Be sure you have amassed a threesome-sized stash of condoms, lube, towels, props (eg. cuffs for tie-ups or harnesses for dildos, if you are so inclined), toys, vibrators, and whatever else floats your sexual boat. Have the entire scene set-up beforehand rather than searching at the last minute.
  
• Make sure your cell phones are turned off and the kids are safely away at their grandparents’. Use a hotel or another location if there’s any chance that teenagers might show up, and don’t even think about doing this when you are on-call.
  

The Morning After

No matter how enjoyable your threesome may have been, expect that you will wake up the next morning with worries and bad feelings. After all, you’ve just violated the expectations of a society that values monogamy. If some people in this day and age still feel shame after they masturbate, imagine what you might feel after having two penises in you at the same time or your first same-sex experience while your spouse was watching. Hopefully these memories will bring a smile, but don’t bet on it.

No one should leave the morning after with self-doubt. Take the time to express your thanks and gratitude to one another—to both your primary partner and to the third wheel. If you enjoyed the experience, it’s important to send the third wheel flowers if she’s a woman, or something manly if he’s a guy. Be sure the card has both of your names on it, and maybe even a separate line from each of you if you are an established couple.

While you have each other to talk over any morning-after doubts with, the third wheel has only him- or herself. The flowers or gift will help with that process. Do not slip up on this one. Talking it over with your partner the next day and doing something nice for the third wheel are as important as all the planning that went into making the threesome click, especially if you had a good time.

When You Are the Third Wheel

• There is a certain freedom in being the third wheel in a threesome. If things don’t go well, you can avoid seeing the others again. They probably live together and won’t have the option of avoiding each other. On the other hand, they still have each other and can comfort each other. Or at least that’s the fantasy that singles often have about couples, unless it turned out to be one of those “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” evenings.
  
• If you are a woman, it’s likely that a big part of an
  FFM
  threesome is for you to explore sexually with the other woman. If it ends up being all about pleasing the man, consider bailing early, unless he’s the chair of your dissertation committee. Be sure to discuss it with the couple ahead of time.
  
• Always meet with the couple ahead of time to get a sense of your chemistry together. Talk about the things the three of you might like to try. Whether you are male or female, it’s an important time to discuss the kinds of things you will and won’t do. Come up with safe words that will either slow or stop the action if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed. Discuss everything from sexually transmitted infections to birth control. Don’t assume that because they are a couple they have their act together.
  
• You will most likely be joining an established couple with lots of history together. As a third wheel, you will need to deal with the reality that you won’t be coming first, or not metaphorically, anyway.
  
• Keep in mind that you will be having an experience with three separate entities as opposed to two. You will be dealing with each of the others as individuals, as well as with them as a couple. The couple may have its own dynamics that are different from those of the individuals who make it up. This is not a problem in some threesomes, but in others, the mind-fucking can outpace the body-fucking. You didn’t sign on to do couples therapy. If you find yourself being placed into that role, BAIL!
  
• Things might go spinningly well, or they might get very weird. If the threesome starts to get weird, don’t hesitate to suddenly remember an important meeting or a sprinkler in the yard that you are sure you left on. Do not be afraid to call it a day, no matter what stage the threesome is in. Do not for a moment be intimidated because it’s them against you. If you suddenly start feeling that this is the wrong time and place, don’t hesitate to grab your pants or purse and make yourself history. Be sure to drive to the location separately, or have an escape route that doesn’t depend on them.
  
• Unless the couple wants you to be a total stud or stud muffin, the three of you will have a much better time if you don’t feel the need to prove what a sexual all-star you are. This is a time to blend, rather than stand out, unless they have specifically asked you to have your way with one member of the couple while the other watches.
  
• If you are a third-wheel guy in an
  MMF
  , seek the main man’s approval before trying something with his partner, even if she’s inviting you to do it. It’s not like you need to pull out your cell phone and check with his attorney
  ,
  a simple moment of eye contact and confirming nod are all that’s needed. Likewise, if you are a woman, you’re not there to upstage the other woman. Be respectful, and the chances are good you will get pleasure back in spades.
  
• Ah, the single-dude dilemma. It is going to be significantly more difficult for a single man to find a willing couple for a threesome than it is for a single woman. It’s the same problem with almost every species on the planet, be it a single bull elk, sea lion or homo sapien. Life can be hard on single males who don’t have their own herd of cows—almost as hard as it is on the poor male who does have his own herd of cows!
  
• This is probably just a bunch of psychobabble nonsense, and even if it isn’t, it’s no reason not to have a great time. But try to think about any less-than-conscious reasons that might be propelling you, as a single person, to have sex with an established couple. Freud might wonder if it has something to do with unconsciously wanting to outdo one of your parents. Some of Freud’s followers might wonder if it has to do with wanting to be loved and taken care of by an idealized mommy and daddy. Again, we all do sexual things with motives that could fill anyone’s psych book. That’s no reason not to enjoy them. But being more aware of it can sometimes help us from getting stuck in situations that aren’t always the best.
  
• Make sure that someone knows where you are going, including the address and phone number. You don’t have to tell them the truth about what you are doing, but leaving a trail and an expected return time is never a bad idea. This is just as true for males as for females. The only exception would be if you already know the people. While joining an unknown couple for sex is probably no more dangerous than joining an unknown single for sex, taking precautions is in order.
  
• Just because they are married and say they are disease free, don’t believe it. Be sure to bring your own condoms and lube.