The Guestbook (8 page)

FAIR POINT. I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO A LONG WEEK OF RELAXATION. I HAVEN’T STOPPED FOR THE PAST EIGHTEEN MONTHS. FILMING BEHIND CLOSED DOORS HAS BEEN SO MUCH FUN BUT EXHAUSTING.

Just be thankful Olly wasn’t directing or producing his own book, it would have taken five years for him to be happy with the final result.

HE IS A PERFECTIONIST.

And he’s going out with you?

HAHA! YOU DO MAKE ME LAUGH ANNIE. IT’S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

How are things between you two anyway?

IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND? AWAY FROM THE PRESS WE’RE GETTING ON FINE, HE MAKES ME LAUGH THOUGH HE’S OBVIOUSLY NOT MY TYPE!! IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS, FOR THE SAKE OF THE PAPARAZZI, THINGS BETWEEN ME AND THE GREAT OLIVER BLACK ARE STARTING TO BECOME A BIT STRAINED. THE PAPS DO LOVE A BIT OF DRAMA. THOUGH TO BE HONEST THE STRAIN RECENTLY FROM HIM IS MORE REAL THAN I’D LIKE. THE MAN NEEDS TO GET LAID, HE HASN’T BEEN WITH A WOMAN FOR OVER TWO YEARS.

Two years, really?

YEAH EVER SINCE… SHIT SORRY ANNIE, HOW INSENSITIVE OF ME.

Don’t sweat it. Come for dinner tonight, instead of me communicating through this book every time I walk past it in my attempts to fix the bloomin washing machine. I may have to seriously think about a plumber. There’s only so much my dear old Dad passed onto me before he died.

NO, DON’T GET A PLUMBER. I WAS ENJOYING WATCHING YOU COME IN DRESSED IN THOSE OVERALLS. ;-)

My apologies, I didn’t realise I had walked into some dodgy 80’s porno film.

HAHA! DINNER SOUNDS LOVELY. NOW I BETTER GET BACK TO WRITING MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY. AS IF ANYONE WILL BE INTERESTED IN MY LIFE STORY, I’M ONLY TWENTY FIVE, I’VE NOT REALLY HAD ANY LIFE TO SPEAK OF YET.

Except being a famous Hollywood starlet since the age of six.

OH YES, THAT.

SUNDAY:

HAVE HAD THE LONGEST LIE IN SINCE AS FAR BACK AS I CAN REMEMBER. WOKE JUST AFTER LUNCH AND ONLY BECAUSE I WAS RAVENOUS AND COULD SMELL BACON COOKING FROM BELOW. STUMBLE DOWNSTAIRS TO FIND ANNIE SERVING UP A HUGE BREAKFAST IN MY KITCHEN. IF SHE WASN’T ALREADY SPOKEN FOR, I WOULD MARRY HER ON THE SPOT.

SOD OLLY, FINDERS KEEPERS. I’M TAKING ANNIE TO GRETNA GREEN, WE SHALL BE MARRIED BY THE END OF THE DAY. THAT WILL GIVE THE PRESS SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT. THE BREAKFAST/LUNCH WAS THE BEST I’VE EVER TASTED.

JUST TEXT OLLY TO ASK HIS ADVICE ON WRITING. MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY IS BORING ME AND IT’S MY STORY! HIS ADVICE WAS TO EMBELLISH, LIE AND EXAGGERATE WHEREVER POSSIBLE AND ONLY USE A SMATTERING OF TRUTH. AND IF MY STORY WAS REALLY THAT DULL HE SAID TO KILL OFF A FEW KEY PLAYERS, THAT ALWAYS KEEPS THE READERS ON THEIR TOES. I LIKE THE IDEA OF EMBELLISHMENT BUT I THINK KILLING OFF JOHNNY DEPP AND GEORGE CLOONEY MIGHT BE GOING A BIT TOO FAR.

HE’S JUST TEXT ME AGAIN TO SAY THAT I SHOULD WRITE THE BIT ABOUT BREAKING UP WITH HIM AND HOW BEREFT IT MADE ME FEEL. HE’S RIGHT, BY THE TIME THIS BOOK HITS THE SHELVES, IT WILL BE OVER BETWEEN US. NEED TO FIND THE RIGHT WORDS TO DESCRIBE MY HEARTBREAK. INCONSOLABLE, DISTRAUGHT, GRIEF STRICKEN. HAHA! HE’S RIGHT, WRITING THAT BIT SHOULD BE FUN. COMPLETELY INACCURATE BUT FUN.

I’m going to have to glue these pages together once you’ve gone. You’re giving too much away. Other people will read this you know.

I’M PENELOPE PITSTOP. THEY’RE NOT GOING TO BE INTERESTED IN LITTLE OLD ME.

Hmmm >:-(

OK, OK, I’LL SPEAK IN CODE FROM NOW ON.

THE BLUE COW FLIES EAST IN THE WINTER.

Code only works if the other person knows the code.

SPOILSPORT.

THE BLACK CROW HAS GREEN EYES.

Ok that’s one I understand.

MONDAY:

OK, ANNIE, I HAVE A STORY OF MY OWN, MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME WITH THE ENDING.

THE BLACK CROW AND THE MAGPIE WERE BROTHERS. THEY GREW UP TOGETHER, DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER. OFTEN ON THEIR ADVENTURES THEY WERE JOINED BY A PALE GOLD DOVE.

THE DOVE WAS BEAUTIFUL AND AS THEY ALL GREW UP TOGETHER, THE MAGPIE AND THE CROW TRIED DIFFERENT WAYS TO IMPRESS THE DOVE, HOPING TO BE THE ONE TO WIN THE DOVE’S HEART. IT SEEMED HOWEVER THAT THE DOVE WAS IN LOVE WITH THEM BOTH, THAT THERE COULD NEVER BE A CHOICE BETWEEN THEM.

THE BLACK CROW YEARNED TO BE FREE OF THE TINY WOOD IN WHICH HE LIVED, WHEREAS THE MAGPIE WAS HAPPY TO STAY WHERE HE WAS, TO RAISE HIS OWN TINY MAGPIES THERE ONE DAY. THIS WOULD ULTIMATELY BE THE DECIDER FOR THE GOLD DOVE.

THE DOVE HAD DREAMS OF FREEDOM TOO BUT SHE’D NOT HAD THE HAPPIEST CHILDHOOD. THE DOVE’S MOTHER HAD BEEN IN AND OUT OF HER LIFE FREQUENTLY AS THE DOVE GREW UP. OFTEN THE DOVE’S MOTHER WOULD LEAVE FOR WEEKS OR MONTHS AT A TIME, NEVER WITH ANY FORM OF CONTACT WHILST SHE WAS AWAY. WHEN THE DOVE WAS SIXTEEN HER MOTHER DISAPPEARED AGAIN, THIS TIME, NEVER TO RETURN.

THE CROW RECOGNISED THAT THE DOVE NEEDED STABILITY AND THAT HE COULD NEVER GIVE HER THAT. HE WAS YOUNG AND IMPETUOUS. HE DRANK AND SMOKED AND SOMETIMES WHEN THE DOVE WAS WITH HIM SHE SMOKED TOO. SHE WAS YOUNG AND INNOCENT AND HE WANTED HER TO STAY THAT WAY. HE KNEW THAT WITH HIM SHE WOULD ONLY END UP GOING DOWN A DARK PATH. HE BORED EASILY AND THE THOUGHT OF SETTLING IN ONE PLACE FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE SCARED HIM. HE WANTED TO TRAVEL THE WORLD AND NEVER PUT DOWN ROOTS. HE KNEW THAT IF HE ASKED THE DOVE TO COME WITH HIM, SHE PROBABLY WOULD BUT THAT SHE WOULD MISS OUT ON THE CONSTANCY AND PERMANENCE SHE SO DESPERATELY NEEDED.

THE CROW KNEW HIS BROTHER, THE MAGPIE, LOVED THE DOVE AS MUCH AS HE DID AND HE COULDN’T BEAR TO HURT HIS BROTHER BY TAKING THE DOVE WITH HIM. SO THE CROW LEFT THE TINY WOOD TO SEEK HIS FORTUNE IN THE WIDER WORLD, LEAVING THE DOVE IN THE SAFE, PROTECTIVE
HANDS
WINGS OF HIS YOUNGER BROTHER.

WHEN THE CROW RETURNED, AS HE HAD FORESEEN, THE MAGPIE AND THE DOVE WERE HAPPILY MARRIED AND APART FROM THE HUGE ACHE IN HIS HEART, THE CROW KNEW ALL WAS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.

FOR FIVE LONG YEARS THE MAGPIE AND DOVE LIVED THEIR HAPPILY EVER AFTERS, COMPLETELY IN LOVE, WHILST THE CROW TRAVELLED THE WORLD, MADE LOTS OF FRIENDS AND TRIED TO FORGET WHERE HIS HEART LAY BY SPENDING TIME WITH LOTS OF OTHER VERY PRETTY FEMALE BIRDS.

THEN DISASTER STRUCK. ONE COLD WINTER WHEN THE CROW WAS BACK IN THE TINY WOOD VISITING HIS BROTHER AND THE DOVE, THERE WAS A HORRIBLE ACCIDENT WHICH ENDED THE LIFE OF THE MAGPIE.

INSTEAD OF RETURNING TO HIS LIFE OF FUN AND FROLICS AFTER THE FUNERAL, THE CROW STAYED TO TEND TO THE BROKEN HEART OF THE DOVE. HE KNEW THAT HE WOULD WILLINGLY GIVE UP THAT LIFE TO STAY BY THE DOVE’S SIDE FOREVER. HE LOVED HER, HAD ALWAYS LOVED HER AND WHEREVER SHE WAS WOULD NOW BE HIS HOME. IT SEEMED THAT THE DOVE RETURNED THESE FEELINGS, THAT BEING MARRIED TO HIS BROTHER HAD NEVER DIMINISHED THE LOVE SHE FELT FOR HIM.

SUDDENLY, JUST SEVEN MONTHS AFTER THE DEATH OF THE MAGPIE, THE CROW FLEES BACK TO HIS FORMER LIFE. THOUGH HE STILL LOVES THE DOVE AND THE DOVE LOVES HIM, THERE SEEMS TO BE SOMETHING THAT IS HOLDING THE YOUNG LOVEBIRDS BACK.

IT IS NOW TWO YEARS AFTER THE MAGPIE HAS DIED AND THE LOVEBIRDS ARE STILL UNABLE TO TAKE THAT FINAL STEP. WILL THEY EVER BE TOGETHER OR ARE THEY DESTINED TO LIVE THEIR LIVES ALONE, NEVER FILLING THE GAP THAT HAS BEEN LEFT IN THEIR HEARTS?

SHIT, ANNIE, I’M SORRY, I NEVER MEANT TO MAKE YOU CRY.

TUESDAY:

I FEEL AWFUL, I’M SO SORRY ANNIE, I DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT YOU. PLEASE ANSWER YOUR DOOR.

I’ve been at The Painted Plate all day today, my pottery painting studio. I’m fine. I’m having an early night as I’m getting up early tomorrow to drive to Tenby so I probably won’t see you again before you leave. Take Care.

Annie x

YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY NOT FINE. LOOK ONE NIGHT ME AND OLLY GOT REALLY DRUNK AND HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING. I THOUGHT YOU KNEW ALL THIS, THAT HE LOVES YOU COMPLETELY AND ALWAYS HAS. I THOUGHT THE ONLY THING HOLDING YOU BACK WAS THAT YOU WEREN’T READY AFTER NICK DIED. BUT THEN I READ THIS THING WITH BARNEY AND THAT YOU ARE GOING OFF TO PLAY WITH SOME FIT GARDENER CALLED CONNOR AND IT’S CLEAR YOU ARE READY TO MOVE ON NOW, BUT WHY AREN’T YOU MOVING ON WITH OLLY?

Olly does not love me. Whatever drunken ramblings he uttered to you that night were just that, ramblings.

When we were younger, he always spoke about leaving, that he wanted to see the world. Just like my Mum. When he was eighteen he booked his ticket to the States. I begged him not to go, told him I loved him in the hope that if he had something to stay for he wouldn’t go. But I wasn’t enough. I needed him in my life and with him gone it felt like half my heart had been ripped out. But the other half of my heart belonged to Nick. I love them both, always have and always will. But Olly was wrong. Though I yearned for freedom, I could never have left my Dad behind, not after Mum had left. I couldn’t bear to leave Nick either. If there was a choice between him and Olly, I could never have made it. As it happens I didn’t need to. Olly didn’t feel for me what I felt for him and he left.

After Nick died Olly stayed with me for nearly seven months, slept in the bed with me, holding me as I cried myself to sleep. Of course nothing happened between us. I wasn’t in any fit state. I know the press were slating him for jumping straight into the marital bed before it had even gone cold. There were pictures in the papers of us holding hands on the beach, or him with his arm round me. But it wasn’t like that between us.

Until the night before he left. We got drunk, we slept together and the next day he ran. We didn’t speak for six months. Seemingly he was engaged to you, had been since before Nick had died. I thought for a while that that was why he ran, he felt guilty for cheating on you, or that your patience with the grieving widow had finally run out. It wasn’t until I met you that I realised it was all a sham. But if he didn’t run because of you, then he ran because he doesn’t want me. It was pity sex, pure and simple. Grief sex at best.

So your story, as nice as it is, is nothing more than a fairy tale.

And I’m definitely gluing these pages together after you’ve gone.

WEDNESDAY:

DAMN IT. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SNUCK IN LAST NIGHT AND WROTE ALL THIS AND NOW YOU’VE ALREADY GONE. WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS. THOUGH ACTUALLY THE PERSON YOU REALLY NEED TO SPEAK TO IS OLLY. THE STUPID MAN SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU HOW HE FELT AND WHY HE RAN.

MY GUILT HAS BEEN PUSHED ASIDE SLIGHTLY WITH THE ARRIVAL OF THE BEAUTIFUL DARCY BURBRIDGE.

Viv, Penelope, whichever name you are going under, you are so indiscreet. You were the one that wanted to keep our relationship secret. You were the one that said the British public weren’t ready for their national treasure to be gay. Olly has gone to a lot of trouble to help you in this charade and then you spill all his innermost secrets and most of ours in this book. If you want people to know, I’ll go outside and shout it from the rooftops right now.

Darcy

DARCY, DON’T BE MAD. I MISSED YOU AND THE SECRECY IS DRIVING ME MAD.

Me too, but I’m not about to drag Olly and Annie down with us. When the time is right, Olly will dump you and you can seek solace with me, as we planned. Not before. And I’ll glue these pages together myself before we leave.

Thursday:

Annie thank you so much for letting me stay. There are literally no places in the world that we are safe to be seen together without being hounded by the press. They know I’m Viv’s best friend, but if we are seen together in hotels then people will soon start to be suspicious. Hotel staff are the most indiscreet and word would soon get out. I feel safe here, safe to finally be with the woman I love.

Your neighbours are fiercely loyal to you and as such loyal to us too. No one cares who we are and the press will never find us here.

I’m sorry if this sham between Viv and Olly brings you any grief, or if Viv has hurt you in any way with her flapping mouth. I’ve met Olly quite a few times, stayed with him in his house in New York. Viv speaks the truth. He’s crazy about you, that much is clear. He has photos of you everywhere, even on the screensaver of his laptop. I’m sorry that you have to find out through me or Viv and not from the silly man himself.

Darcy x