The Guestbook (12 page)

Sophia has just phoned me too to ask if I’m drunk. She is somewhere else today. She did say when I saw her this morning. But for the life of me I can’t remember. Olly has obviously rung her to get her to check on me. Stupid arse. Why on earth would I be drunk? I feel great.

I do feel tired actually. I might go for a kip. Just one more slice before I go to bed.

Oh dear. Luckily the judges will only be having one slice tomorrow.

IT DOES SEEM THAT THE CAKE IS QUITE ADDICTIVE. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OUR LITTLE OLD APPLE AND COLA CAKE WOULD HAVE SUCH AN EFFECT?

Sunday:

The day of the competition. Our wonderful cake will soon wipe the smile off Sophia Lorenzo’s face.

WE HAVE TO BE THERE SHORTLY SO WE BETTER PACK UP OUR CAKE AND HEAD DOWN THERE.

Oh God! Woke up this morning with a banging headache after passing out seemingly for over nineteen hours. Have just thrown up as if it was an Olympic event. I can only assume there was something dodgy about that cake. After eating it, the afternoon passed in a blurry haze. I’ve just rushed round to tell the ladies that I had some severe kind of food poisoning from it so they don’t take it to the cake competition but they’ve already left.

Crap! Just read my messages from yesterday which I have no recollection of writing. I phoned Olly? I don’t even remember doing that, let alone what I said. Though from my previous messages it clearly wasn’t good. Where the hell is my mobile phone? I need to apologise to him.

Have just found it in the fridge! Twelve answerphone messages, eleven very rude ones from Olly so there’s no way I’m apologising now. One concerned message from Sophia. I have a vague recollection of her checking on me last night.

I need to get down to the cake competition to stop the judges and other competitors from getting food poisoning like I did.

Monday:

Just here to clean Willow Cottage after the fiasco that was the cake competition yesterday.

Gladys and Madge entered their Apple and Cola cake which was tested by a panel of three judges. They loved it and decreed them the winner. The other competitors also tasted it and loved it. I, thankfully, declined to try it.

Unfortunately one bite was seemingly not enough and by the time Annie turned up there was a crowd of people around the cake like flies round shit, jostling and pushing each other so they could have a second, third and fourth slice. Soon a fight broke out. Eleanor McGrew, one of the judges, ended up with a broken nose. Kevin Peterson got a black eye. The police had to break it up. When they realised that the fight was over the cake they knew something was suspicious.

With Annie’s version of events added to the mix, it was quite obvious that they were dealing with Cannabis or something similar.

Gladys and Madge were arrested for possession of drugs. They were bailed and have just returned rather shame faced to the cottage to collect their things. As there was no cake left there is no hard evidence against them and it’s likely that the charges will be dropped.

What’s worse was that the judging panel obviously disqualified their cake from the competition but were too stoned or beaten up to be able to declare a new winner which would obviously have been mine. It’s a shambles!

There is going to be a new Eastern Regional Championship later on in the year. Thankfully, Gladys and Madge will not be allowed to enter.

And you thought I was drunk! Cheek!

To be fair, anyone talking to you yesterday would have thought that, you were giggly and saying all sorts of silly things. I have phoned Olly to explain the reason behind your madness. I believe he has phoned you to apologise?

You should have heard the rude messages that he left for me on Saturday. He can stick his apology up his arse.

You did tell him you loved him and wanted lots of his babies.

Unfortunately, that part is true.

Oh Annie!

I also told him he’s never having it, and I stand by that.

And yes I’m well aware you’re rolling your eyes at me right now.

**********

16
^th
– 23
^rd
August

The Meechams AND MAX?

WE HAVE A NEW DOG CALLED MAX. HE IS A COCK SPANUL AND HAS BIG FLAPPY CURLY EARS. WE ARE GOING TO TAKE HIM TO THE BEACH LATER. IT WILL BE HIS FIRST TIME HE HAS SEEN THE SEA. I THINK HE IS VERY EXCITED.

MEGAN AGED 7

Erm Cocker Spaniel.

Ben Meecham Aged 37 ½

DADDY, ADULTS DON’T PUT THEIR AGES AFTER THEIR NAMES, ONLY CHILDREN DO.

Sorry pickle.

SUNDAY:

MAX LOVED THE BEACH YESTERDAY. HE KEPT RUNNING OUT INTO THE SEA AND THEN RUNNING BACK IN WHEN THE WAVES CAME IN AND BARKING AT THEM. HE DUG BIG HOLES IN THE SAND AND SPRAYED SAND ALL OVER OUR ICE CREAM. ISABELLE PUT HER ICE CREAM IN MAX’S FUR BUT DADDY JUST TOOK MAX INTO THE SEA TO WASH HIM AND WHEN HE CAME BACK HE SHOOK WATER ALL OVER US AND THEN DADDY DID THE SAME.

TODAY WE WENT FOR A WALK AROUND THE RIVERS AND MAX JUMPED IN AND GOT ALL MUDDY THEN HE JUMPED UP AT MUMMY AND GOT MUDDY PAW PRINTS ON HER JEANS. MUMMY DIDN’T MIND BUT DADDY SAID MAX WOULD HAVE TO HAVE LESSONS WHEN WE GO BACK HOME. I WONDER HOW GOOD HE IS AT MATHS. MRS DUNSTON MY TEACHER SAYS I AM VERY GOOD AT MATHS. I CAN DO SUMS LIKE 45 + 45 = 90 AND I KNOW THAT IT EQUALS 90 VERY FAST. MY AUNTY HOLLY SAYS I HAVE BIG BRAINS. BUT MY BRAIN CAN’T BE BIGGER THAN THE OTHER CHILDREN BECAUSE THEN I WOULD HAVE A BIG HEAD. DID YOU KNOW THAT THE EGJIPTIANS THOUGHT BRAINS WERE USELESS AND LET THE CATS EAT THEM BUT OTHER ORGANS THEY PUT IN JARS LIKE BIG JAM JARS CALLED CANOPIC JARS. WE MADE ONE AT SCHOOL AND MINE HAD A DOG HEAD ON IT LIKE MAX. DOGS ARE CALLED JACKALS IN EGJIPT.

MONDAY:

MAX RAN NEXT DOOR TODAY AS THE GATE BETWEEN OUR GARDEN AND ANNIE’S GARDEN WAS LEFT OPEN AND HE PUT MUDDY PAW PRINTS UP HER WINDOWS. I THOUGHT SHE MIGHT SHOUT AT MAX WHEN SHE CAME OUT BUT SHE WAS STROKING HIM ALL OVER AND HE WAS WAGGING HIS TAIL SO HARD THAT HIS HOLE BODY WAS WAGGING. DADDY SAID HE WAS VERY SORRY AND HE SAID THAT HE WOULD CLEAN THE WINDOWS AND WHEN HE DID HE KEPT LOOKING FOR MR BUTTERWORTH WHO WE MET LAST TIME BUT ANNIE SAID THAT HE WASN’T HERE AND DADDY WAS REALLY DISSAPPOINTED. I’M VERY DISSAPPOINTED TOO. MR BUTTERWORTH IS A WRITER AND I WANTED TO SHOW HIM MY STORY. HE SAID HE WOULD READ IT THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE AND I BROUGHT IT UP HERE SPECIALLY.

Tuesday:

I hope you’re all settled in. Megan if you want to give me your story I can fax it over to Olly, Mr Butterworth for him to see.

JUST BEEN NEXT DOOR WITH ANNIE. SHE TOOK MY STORY AND POSTED IT THROUGH A MACHINE. IT CAME OUT THE OTHER END. SHE SAID THE MACHINE HAD TAKEN A PHOTO OF MY STORY AND SENT THE PHOTO TO MR BUTTERWORTH’S FAX MACHINE. ANNIE SAID HIS FAX MACHINE WOULD THEN PRINT IT OUT EXACTLY THE SAME AS MY STORY AND EVEN WITH ALL THE PICTURES. ANNIE ALSO WROTE A NOTE TO SEND TO MR BUTTERWORTH TOO. SHE SAID THE STORY WAS FROM HIS YOUNGEST FAN. WHEN I ASKED WHAT A FAN WAS SHE SAID DADDY WAS A FAN OF MR BUTTERWORTH BECAUSE HE LIKED HIS BOOKS. I’VE SEEN MR BUTTERWORTH’S BOOKS. ONE HAD A PICTURE OF SOMETHING WEIRD ON THE FRONT. IT WAS A DOOR WITH RED PAINT COMING OUT FROM UNDERNEATH. DADDY SAID IT WAS RED PAINT BUT THEN MUMMY GAVE HIM THAT LOOK SHE GIVES HIM WHEN HE IS TELLING LIES. I WONDER WHY MR BUTTERWORTH IS NOT HERE. MUMMY SAID THAT MR BUTTERWORTH WASN’T REALLY ANNIE’S HUSBAND BUT HE WAS HER HUSBAND’S BROTHER WHICH IS WHY THEY HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME. MUMMY SAID THAT HER HUSBAND HAD DIED AND THAT HER HUSBAND’S BROTHER OLIVER HAD LIED ABOUT HIM BEING HER HUSBAND BECAUSE SOMETIMES IT IS EASIER TO LIE TO CHILDREN THAN EXPLAIN THE TRUTH. I SAID THAT MR BUTTERWORTH THE ONE THAT IS STILL ALIVE SHOULD MARRY ANNIE AND MUMMY SAID THAT IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT BECAUSE WHEN YOU GET MARRIED BOTH PEOPLE NEED TO LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH. BUT LAST TIME WE WERE HERE MR BUTTERWORTH, THE ALIVE ONE, KEPT GIVING ANNIE LOOKS THE SAME LOOKS THAT DADDY GIVES MUMMY THAT SHOWS THAT DADDY LOVES MUMMY MORE THAN CHOCOLATE. DADDY LOVES CHOCOLATE VERY MUCH.

WEDNESDAY:

I WAS GOING TO BED LAST NIGHT AND MUMMY WAS READING ME A STORY AND MAX WAS SNORING ON MY PILLOW AND ANNIE CAME ROUND. I HEARD HER TALKING TO DADDY DOWNSTAIRS AND AFTER SHE LEFT DADDY CAME UP AND HE WAS VERY EXCITED AND HE HAD A PIECE OF PAPER THAT HAD COME FROM THE FAX MACHINE. MR BUTTERWORTH HAD SENT ME A MESSAGE SAYING HE LOVED MY STORY AND SPECIALLY LOVED THE PICTURES. HE LIKED THE PART ABOUT THE DRAGON THE BEST AND SAID THAT I SHOULD KEEP WRITING STORIES ALL THE TIME AND I WOULD GET BETTER AND BETTER AND BETTER AT IT. HE TOLD ANNIE TO GIVE ME THE MUG HE HAD PAINTED AT HER SHOP, IT SAID WORLD’S BEST WRITER ON THE SIDE. I AM SO HAPPY HE LIKED MY STORY. I’M GOING TO SHOW MY TEACHER HIS LETTER WHEN I GO BACK TO SCHOOL BECAUSE SHE IS A FAN OF MR BUTTERWORTH’S TOO. I HEARD HER SAY TO MISS KANE THAT HE IS FIT AND MISS KANE SAID SHE WOULDN’T SAY NO. I ASKED MUMMY WHAT SHE WOULDN’T SAY NO TO AND MUMMY JUST SAID THAT MISS KANE LIKED HIS BOOKS TOO AND THEN DADDY GAVE HER ONE OF THE LOOKS HE GIVES HER WHEN SHE IS LYING. I WONDER WHY ADULTS LIE SO MUCH. DADDY SAYS IT IS WRONG TO LIE.

WE HAD ANOTHER DAY AT THE BEACH TODAY AND MAX CHASED THE SEAGULLS. ISABELLE WAS WATCHING HIM AND COULDN’T STOP LAUGHING. HER GIGGERLING WAS VERY FUNNY AND MUMMY AND DADDY WERE LAUGHING AT HER. THEN A BIG SEAGULL CHASED MAX AWAY FROM A SANDWITCH AND MAX WAS SCARED AND CAME BACK TO US BUT THEN HE FOUND A BALL AND RAN AWAY WITH IT. THERE WAS A FAMILY THERE WHOSE BALL IT WAS AND THEY THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY THAT MAX WAS STEALING IT. THE BOYS WERE CHASING MAX DOWN THE BEACH AND MAX THOUGHT IT WAS ALL A GAME.

THURSDAY:

MAX HAS GOT A SORE PAW FROM SOMETHING ON THE BEACH. HE KEEPS HOPPING AROUND AND CRYING. ANNIE SAID THERE WAS A NEW MAN THAT HAD MOVED INTO THE VILLAGE THAT WAS A VET AND SHE WOULD GET HIM TO COME OVER AND LOOK AT MAX. HIS NAME WAS BARNEY AND HE WAS VERY FRIENDLY TO MAX AND TO ME. BUT THEN MUMMY CAME IN AND SHE KNEW BARNEY. SHE WENT VERY RED AND BARNEY WENT RED AND DADDY WANTED TO KNOW WHY THEY WERE BOTH RED AND MUMMY SAID THAT SHE USED TO GO OUT WITH BARNEY YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS AGO BEFORE SHE MET DADDY. DADDY SHOOK BARNEY’S HAND VERY HARD AND SAID IT WAS NICE TO MEET HIM BUT HE HAD THAT LOOK ON HIS FACE THAT SAID HE WAS LYING ABOUT IT BEING NICE TO MEET HIM. BARNEY TOOK SOMETHING SHARP OUT OF MAX’S PAW AND TOLD MOMMY THAT SHE WOULD HAVE TO CLEAN IT REGULARRLY SO IT DIDN’T GET IN FECTED.

WE’RE GOING TO THE BEACH NOW BUT DADDY IS STAYING AT HOME WITH MAX. DADDY SAID IT WOULD BE BEST NOT TO TAKE MAX TO THE BEACH TODAY SO HIS PAW CAN GET BETTER BUT MUMMY SAID DADDY WAS BEING SILLY AND THAT IT WAS YEARS AND YEARS AGO. BUT MAX ONLY HURT HIS PAW YESTERDAY.

WHEN WE CAME BACK FROM THE BEACH WE BUMPED INTO BARNEY AGAIN AND MUMMY AND BARNEY WAS TALKING AND BARNEY SAID HE THOUGHT ABOUT HER SOMETIMES AND THAT HE WAS HAPPY THAT SHE WAS HAPPY AND MUMMY SAID SHE WAS VERY HAPPY AND THAT DADDY MAKES HER HAPPY AND THE GIRLS MADE HER HAPPY. I THINK SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME AND ISABELLE AND BARNEY SAID THAT WAS GOOD AND THEN HE HUGGED HER AND SHE HUGGED HIM AND WHEN WE WENT BACK TO THE HOUSE DADDY WAS WATCHING US FROM THE WINDOW. DADDY COOKED US TOAD IN THE HOLE WHICH IS MY FAVOURITE. WHEN WE WERE EATING DINNER MUMMY AND DADDY DIDN’T TALK AND IT WAS VERY QUIET AND I DIDN’T LIKE IT. DADDY TALKED TO ME ABOUT THE BEACH BUT THEY DIDN’T TALK TO EACH OTHER. MAX WAS BEGGING FOR FOOD AND MUMMY GAVE HIM A BIT OF HER SAUSAGE. THEN DADDY TOLD HER OFF ABOUT FEEDING MAX FROM THE TABLE AND SHE SAID THAT SHE DIDN’T WANT IT. DADDY SAID THAT MAYBE HIS SAUSAGE WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER AND MAYBE SHE WOULD PREFER BARNEY’S SAUSAGE INSTEAD. THEN MUMMY GOT UP FROM THE TABLE AND SAID DADDY WAS BEING RIDICKULOUS.

SATURDAY:

WHEN I WENT INTO MUMMY AND DADDY’S ROOM THIS MORNING MUMMY WAS SITTING ON DADDY’S LAP AND THEY WERE KISSING
AND BOTH NAKED. THEN DADDY KISSED MUMMY’S BOOBS
WHICH MADE ME LAUGH AND MUMMY WENT ALL RED AGAIN WHEN SHE SAW ME. DADDY WAS LAUGHING. MUMMY TOLD ME TO CLEAN MY TEETH AND GO DOWNSTAIRS AND THAT THEY WOULD BE DOWN IN A MINUTE TO MAKE PANCAKES FOR BREAKFAST. I LIKE PANCAKES. IT’S MY FAVOURITE BREAKFAST EVER. I’VE CLEANED MY TEETH REALLY QUICKLY AND I’M PLAYING WITH MAX DOWNSTAIRS WHILE THEY GET DRESSED. I THINK THEY ARE JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON THE BED LIKE A TRAMPOLINE BECAUSE THE BED IS SQUEAKING. DADDY SAYS I SHOULDN’T JUMP UP AND DOWN ON THE BED BECAUSE I MIGHT BREAK IT. IT’S FUNNY THAT ADULTS CAN DO THINGS THAT CHILDREN ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO.

JUST HAD PANCAKES AND WE ARE GOING DOWN THE BEACH AGAIN BEFORE WE LEAVE. MUMMY AND DADDY WERE KISSING A LOT IN THE KITCHEN WHEN MUMMY WAS WASHING UP AND DADDY WAS GIVING HER HIS LOOK, THE SAME LOOK HE GIVES CHOCOLATE CAKE. MUMMY WAS LOOKING AT HIM LIKE HE WAS ICE CREAM. MUMMY LOVES ICE CREAM.

Oh God!!! Out of the mouths of babes.

Oh my god!! I forget how astute she is getting now.

**********

23
^rd
– 30
^th
August