The Guestbook (17 page)

So you’d rather she thought I was a whore? Some cheap tart you picked up from a street corner?

I’D RATHER SHE DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT YOU AT ALL, BUT SINCE YOU INSIST ON TURNING UP AT MY OFFICE AT REGULAR INTERVALS THEN WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? BESIDES IT PAYS TO KEEP HER ON SIDE. SHE PLAYS GOLF WITH MRS AXE ON A REGULAR BASIS, JESSICA’S MOTHER. I DO NOT WANT ANYTHING GETTING BACK TO JESSICA.

I was mortified.

ARE WE GOING TO COMMUNICATE THROUGH THIS DAMNED BOOK ALL WEEKEND? IF I’D WANTED THE COLD SHOULDER, I COULD HAVE STAYED AT HOME WITH MY WIFE.

Saturday:

I’m feeling much happier now. My god the man is good with his hands.

RACHEL! GOOD LORD! WHY DON’T WE JUST VIDEO OUR ANTICS AND LEAVE A COPY FOR FUTURE GUESTS TO WATCH. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THIS KIND OF THING IN THIS BOOK AGAIN.

I didn’t come on this weekend to enjoy nice walks on the beach. I came for one reason only. If I can’t write about that then I have nothing more to say.

Sunday:

I still have nothing to say, because we’ve done nothing else but that.

Monday:

Mmmmm I like doing nothing. In fact I could do nothing for the rest of my life with this man. Nothing in the kitchen, nothing in the lounge, nothing on the dining table, nothing in the bedroom, I loved doing nothing in the shower and even late last night we did nothing in the garden.

We’re going home today. I’m sure going to miss doing nothing for a while.

**********

27
^th
September – 4
^th
October

Gaby and Seth Jacobs

A lovely week planned with my lovely wife.

We haven’t spent any real quality time with each other for a long while and I think it’s time we did.

In truth, we haven’t been getting on that well lately.

My counsellor says I need to be truthful with her, that if this week achieves nothing else, I must talk to her honestly, to tell her exactly what I’m feeling. It’s so hard to talk to her when she barely looks at me, when we’ve hardly spoken at all in the last few months. So maybe I can be truthful here first.

I’m scared I’m losing her.

Gaby miscarried about a year ago. She was five months pregnant and we lost him. A little boy. We were going to call him Jack. God it still breaks my heart to think of it. Afterwards Gaby fell into a deep depression. She cried almost none stop for a month. It hurt me so much that I could do nothing to take away this pain. But despite what we had been through, what we had lost, we still stayed close. Intimately, physically and emotionally. Our counsellor warned that this death could tear us apart but if anything we were closer than ever.

She started to come round, to smile again. She stopped seeing our counsellor although I continued to do so. She said being with him reminded her of a bad time in her life and she wanted to move on. For six months she was the woman I fell in love with again. We laughed, we danced, we went out, we saw friends, we made love every night. Then she fell pregnant again and everything changed. She is four months pregnant now. It should have been the happiest four months of our lives. Instead it has been the worst.

She’s started crying again, not during the day, but at night when we lie in bed together.

Where before she was perfectly comfortable with her body, she’s now taken to hiding herself away, covering her body with a towel or robe. I’m not even allowed in the bathroom when she is showering.

I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she won’t listen. Every time I try to bring it up she walks away.

She’s pulling away. There is a void there now where there never was before. Last week she told me if I wanted to leave then I should leave. She said she didn’t need me to raise this baby and she would be perfectly fine on her own.

I have never cried so much before in my life.

The thought of losing her is heart breaking.

I don’t know what to do.

This cottage has so many happy memories for us. It’s where we met when we came with a bunch of friends five years ago. It’s where I brought her when I wanted to propose. I thought maybe we could recapture the magic.

Though the way she has just looked at me makes me wonder if this is really it for us.

I don’t know if there is any way back for us now.

Sunday:

Have asked Gaby to come for a walk on the beach with me but she’s refused. Guess I’ll go on my own.

SETH PLAYS THE POOR HUSBAND VERY WELL. HE IS NOT GOING TO PIN THIS BREAKDOWN ON ME. ALL THIS IS HIS FAULT.

I knew you blamed me for our baby’s death. You always denied it but I knew you did.

I DON’T BLAME YOU FOR THAT. I MIGHT HATE YOU RIGHT NOW, BUT I COULD NEVER HATE YOU FOR THAT.

You hate me? And you decide that writing it in this book is the best medium to declare that?

YOU DECIDED THAT THIS BOOK WAS THE BEST MEDIUM TO TELL EVERYONE THAT I HAD A MISCARRIAGE AND ABOUT MY DEPRESSION. I HATE YOU FOR THAT RIGHT NOW. WHAT’S BETWEEN US IS BETWEEN US. WHY YOU INSIST ON SEEING THAT OVERPAID COUNSELLOR EVERY WEEK TO TELL HIM ALL OUR PROBLEMS I DON’T KNOW. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME YOU SHOULD TELL ME.

I’ve tried to talk to you, you won’t listen. You’ve barely said a word to me for four months.

SO YOU DO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME?

No of course not. You won’t speak to me, you cry all the time. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong.

ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR?

Oh my God, no! How could you think that?

I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WORSE, YOU FALLING OUT OF LOVE WITH ME BECAUSE THERE’S SOMEONE ELSE, OR BECAUSE YOU’VE JUST GROWN BORED OF ME.

I haven’t fallen out of love with you. I love you so much.

I SEE IT IN YOUR EYES EVERY DAY. YOU DON’T WANT TO BE WITH ME ANYMORE.

MONDAY:

I WANT A DIVORCE. I’M SO MISERABLE, YOU’RE MAKING ME SO MISERABLE AND I CAN’T GO ON LIKE THIS.

Wait. Wait a minute. We need to talk about this, properly.

THERE’S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT. THERE IS NO FUTURE FOR US ANYMORE.

You need to think about this.

I’VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, FOR TWO MONTHS. DON’T FIGHT THIS PLEASE. DON’T MAKE IT HARDER THAN IT ALREADY IS. THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED.

How can you say that? I want you, I want to be with you. Please don’t do this. Tell me what I can do to change your mind, what is it that I’m doing that makes you so miserable.

I’M NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND. AND IT’S MORE A CASE OF WHAT YOU’RE NOT DOING.

I don’t understand. Please talk to me about this. I deserve some kind of explanation. I can’t lose you, I love you.

NO YOU DON’T, NOT ANYMORE.

You’ve said more in this book in the last few days than you have to me in the last few months. Talk to me.

THE BOOK DOESN’T HATE ME.

I don’t hate you, God Gaby, please.

IT’S LATE. I’M GOING TO BED. I WOULD PREFER IT IF YOU SLEPT IN THE SPARE ROOM TONIGHT.

Tuesday:

Just popped by to see if you guys are settling in ok, it’s been very quiet.

Just read your previous messages, I’m so sorry you guys are having problems. I won’t intrude; you guys need some time to talk this through. There still seems like there is a lot of love there worth fighting for. Talk to each other, if it is going to end, then part honestly and openly with each other.

Annie x

Thanks Annie.

I haven’t slept a wink. I’m trying to trace it back to when it all went wrong. We were so happy.

THEN I GOT FAT. NOW YOU THINK I’M HIDEOUS.

You’re pregnant not fat. And you are so beautiful.

YOU ALWAYS HAD A THING ABOUT MY BODY; YOU SAID HOW BEAUTIFUL I WAS. YOU COULD NEVER KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME. NOW YOU WON’T EVEN TOUCH ME. YOU FIND ME REPULSIVE. I SAW IT IN YOUR EYES WHEN I TOLD YOU I WAS PREGNANT AGAIN. YOU WERE DISAPPOINTED. YOU DIDN’T WANT ME TO GET FAT AGAIN.

No, Gaby. I wasn’t disappointed. I was thrilled. But terrified at the same time. I was so scared that we would lose our baby again, that you would be sad again. It tore me up that you got so sad last time and there was nothing I could do to stop it. But worse than that, I was the reason for it.

YOU WERE NOT THE REASON OUR BABY DIED. DO YOU STILL HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT? THE DOCTORS TOLD YOU IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT, I’VE TOLD YOU, AND EVEN THE OVERPAID COUNSELLOR TOLD YOU IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT. MAKING LOVE TO ME THE NIGHT BEFORE DID NOT CAUSE ME TO MISCARRIAGE. YOU HAVE TO LET THIS GO.

How can I? You’re leaving because you hate me? If you don’t hate me over that then what?

YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!!! I’M LEAVING BECAUSE YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE, BECAUSE YOU FIND ME SO UGLY YOU CAN’T BEAR TO TOUCH ME.

I’M GOING TO BED. PLEASE SLEEP IN THE SPARE ROOM AGAIN. I CAN’T SLEEP IN THE SAME BED WITH YOU ANYMORE FEELING SO GROTESQUE AND FAT.

My darling Gaby. I can’t believe you have thought that for the last few months. I wanted to touch you, to make love to you so much. You have always turned me on and you being pregnant has absolutely not changed that. If anything the feelings I have for you have intensified.

The first time I stopped you from making love to me, I knew you were pissed off, but I didn’t realise you thought it was because I didn’t love you anymore. I thought you knew how scared I was of it happening all over again; I thought you understood my fears.

We should have talked about it, I tried. But every time I did you would just walk away. I should have made you listen, but when you get in your moods it’s always best to leave you to calm down. You’ve told me that on many occasions to just leave you when you get crabby. I thought it would last a few days. But I didn’t realise it would last for so long. The more I left it, the worse it got.

Gaby the reason I haven’t made love to you was because I was so scared of hurting the baby, of hurting you.

Wednesday:

Gaby came downstairs this morning, read my previous message and burst into tears. She sobbed for about half an hour and nothing I said could stop her. Then she got up and walked out.

She’s been gone about an hour now. I’m going to try and find her.

I’VE JUST GOT BACK; SETH IS STILL OUT LOOKING FOR ME.

SETH, I’M SO SORRY… I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY. WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SO GREAT IN THE BEDROOM, THAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP, THE SEX WAS AMAZING. AND EVERY TIME I WOULD LOOK IN YOUR EYES AND SEE HOW MUCH YOU LOVED ME. TO SEE YOU TURN AWAY FROM ME, TO SEE FEAR IN YOUR EYES, INSTEAD OF LOVE. I THOUGHT YOU HATED ME, THAT YOU HAD FALLEN OUT OF LOVE WITH ME. I THOUGHT YOU WERE ONLY STAYING BECAUSE OF THE BABY. I WALKED AWAY FROM TALKING TO YOU BECAUSE I WAS SO SCARED YOU WERE GOING TO END IT AND I COULDN’T BEAR TO HEAR YOU SAY THOSE WORDS. GOD I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH, I DIDN’T REALISE HOW MUCH THE INTIMACY MEANT TO ME, BUT I NEED YOU. I CAN’T GET THROUGH THE NEXT FIVE MONTHS WITHOUT YOU.

I’M GOING UPSTAIRS AND WHEN YOU GET BACK I WANT YOU TO COME UP AND MAKE LOVE TO ME. PLEASE.

Friday:

We have spent the last two days making love, crying, talking and making love. I can’t believe we got so close to throwing it all away quite simply because we didn’t talk about it. We have promised each other that whatever is going on in our lives we will always talk it through from now on.

I’VE BEEN SUCH AN IDIOT AND I NEARLY LOST MY BEST FRIEND BECAUSE OF IT.

SATURDAY:

GOING FOR A WALK ON THE BEACH WITH MY LOVELY HUSBAND BEFORE WE GO HOME. THANK GOD WE CAME.

**********

6
^th
– 10
^th
October

Oliver
Butterworth
Black

Monday:

I’m supposed to be writing my autobiography. I’ve been putting it off for ages but it makes sense to write it here, where I grew up.