The Grace In Darkness (6 page)

“
Shit!
”
I growled, skidding to a stop, and my head fell back as I inhaled deeply.

My heart hammered against the inside of my chest and beads of sweat made several paths down my torso. I gripped the indents of my hips and grimaced at the pain I was putting my body through. I was running off three hours of sleep and my body wasn
’
t happy with me.

My lungs were still getting used to my new habit and they expanded painfully. Running my fingers through my damp hair, I inhaled slowly this time. I looked back at the path toward my apartment and debated on whether or not I wanted to go around one more time.

“
Screw it.
”
I took off in the same direction and ignored the twisting in my calves.

I ran now.

I pushed my body harder than I needed to, but it was worth it because I
’
d rather feel the burning in my legs and lungs than the one in my head and chest when I thought about her. She was always under the surface of my every thought, so I pushed harder until her image faded and the only thing I could focus on was the fact that I was probably going to kill myself running.

Sebastian thought my time could be put to better use by getting laid every chance I got. I stopped trying to explain to him why that wasn
’
t an option I wanted or needed. He thought I was an idiot. He probably didn
’
t want to know what I thought he was.

So I was a runner now. I ran from everything.

Fuck, I just ran past my damn turn again.

Third time
’
s a charm could kiss my ass. I swore now too because sometimes saying fudge just didn
’
t feel as good as saying fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!

I didn
’
t feel like going around again, so I turned to walk toward my turnoff.

Fucking great,
I thought grimly and came to a halt.

“
Hey there, little brother,
”
Sebastian drawled, wiggling his eyebrows up and down.

“
What
’
s wrong with your eyes?
”
I asked, annoyed, and he gave me a look that told me to go to hell.
“
Gladly,
”
I said dryly and attempted to sidestep him.

He stepped in front of me.
“
You remember Kayla?
”
He pushed the small brunette in front of me like she was some kind of sacrifice and she nearly tripped.

It should have been instinct to grab her by the arms to keep her from falling, but standing immobile was just my way of avoiding her touch. Somehow she found a way around my carefully executed attempt and her palms pressed into my bare stomach. She looked up at me through her lashes and smiled sweetly.

“
Oops,
”
she said as if she hadn
’
t just been pushed in front of me.

“
My brother
’
s an asshole.
”
I was in no mood for their games and their not- so- subtle decision, to tag team me.

“
Do assholes bring their brothers pretty girls like Kayla?
”

Yes. Yes, they do. I looked down at Kayla, who was still flexing her fingers on my stomach. She giggled but didn
’
t move them. I looked up at Sebastian murderously, but he just smirked and shrugged his shoulders.

“
I think you
’
ll be okay to stand now,
”
I said, removing her hands by her wrists.

“
Kayla was hoping you
’
d run with her.
”

“
Does Kayla know how to talk for herself?
”
I asked, annoyed.

She caught on and giggled again.
“
Sebastian said you might be interested in running with me.
”
Her head tilted toward the side, but no matter how hard she tried, I wasn
’
t interested in doing
anything
with her.

“
Sebastian was wrong, Kayla. I
’
m going back to the apartment.
”

Sebastian glared.
“
I
’
m going to head back with him, darlin
’
.
”
He winked at her and all was forgotten.

I didn
’
t bother to watch Kayla run off, but Sebastian stood there staring at her like his life depended on it.

“
Since when do you run?
”
I hitched my chin toward the path.

“
Since girls who look like that run too. Is that why you run naked?
”

I rolled my eyes. Sebastian didn
’
t look away until the random chick was out of his line of gawking.

“
What the hell is wrong with you!
”
he demanded, and I stood there staring at him blankly.
“
You could be back at the apartment right now, holding on to that sweet little thing while she-
”

“
Save it, Sebastian,
”
I snapped, walking away from him.

He jogged to catch up to me.
“
You
’
ve got to get over the blind girl, little brother. She was too good for us.
”

I stopped suddenly and Sebastian walked past me before turning to look at me.

“
Us?
”

He rolled his eyes and brushed me off.
“
You know what I meant.
”
He turned and kept walking.

“
That better be all you meant.
”
I stalked past him.

“
Or what? You
’
ll be an even bigger dick? You don
’
t scare me, Ryland,
”
he yelled after me.

I turned, walking backward.
“
I
’
d believe that if you didn
’
t sound like you were trying to convince yourself more than you
’
re trying to convince me.
”

Without waiting for a reply, I turned down the right path and jogged home. Third time was a charm.

My current routine had become a catatonic joke. I was like a robot.

I existed, but I wasn
’
t
existing
. If that made any sense at all.

I woke up, got ready for work, spent the entire day at J.D.
’
s office, and then came home just to do it all over again tomorrow. I knew where Araya was, I could
’
ve quit anytime I wanted, but I wasn
’
t completely certain I wouldn
’
t have gone crazy waiting for Araya to need me again.

I wiped the moisture from the bathroom mirror and wrapped a towel securely around my hips. I preferred to be naked. But Sebastian was a pain in the ass and didn
’
t believe in knocking. Or being considerate in general. I couldn
’
t really complain about the fact that he managed to get on my every damn nerve, though. I was still living here.

As if he could read my thoughts, the bathroom door flung open, stopping short and catching against my arm.

“
Mother...
”
I hissed, and Sebastian shoved his head through the small opening.

“
Oh, you
’
re in here.
”

“
What gave you your fucking first clue, Sherlock?
”

He grinned.
“
Alert the media. You
’
re not a morning person.
”

“
Get the hell out of here, Sebastian,
”
I growled, shoving the door closed on him.

“
Ouch! Chill out, Ryland.
”

He slipped out of the bathroom with all his body parts intact. This time.

And that was what I dealt with on a daily basis. I could move out anytime I wanted, but I was being lazy. And more secretly, a bigger part of me still expected to open the door and find Araya waiting for me on the other side.

I hated how fucking lost I was without her.

Running my hands down my face, I pushed away my thoughts and half-assed got ready for work. I knew I was going to get shit from
her
for not shaving yet again, but I found it easy to literally ignore everyone these days. Besides, the facial hair gave me what conviction I needed to back up my brooding mood. I ran my fingers through my hair with all intents of doing absolutely nothing else to it. I found it easier to be lazy when I cared not at all.

Leaning on the sink, I took in how pitiful I actually looked. The mirror was smudged with condensation, but there was no mistaking the dark circles under my eyes. They made me look overworked and under-rested, which was half true. Running kept my skin tanned, and that was the only thing that kept me from going into full-on zombie mode.

I could hear the clatter coming from the kitchen. Sebastian was a walking disaster all on his own, with the ability to walk around like a car alarm going off every five minutes. It was his own fault that everything he did was like nails on a chalkboard, and it was time he got a taste of his own medicine. With the first hint of a smile in months, I threw my towel into the sink and opened the bathroom door.

Leftover steam spilled into the hallway as I made my way to my room and roughly towel dried the back of my hair.

“
Ryland! Dude! What the fuck? Put some damn clothes on!
”

Flipping him off, I walked into my bedroom and shut the door.

“
A
re you going to shave anytime soon?
”
Careless asked in semi-disgust as she half threw a file on my desk.

I was busy slamming away on my keyboard, giving her none of my attention- as in, I didn
’
t look at her or even acknowledge what she just put down for me to read over and sign off.

My mornings were spent signing off on international shipping form after shipping form, taking conference calls J.D. deemed not worthy of his own time, and typing up progress reports I couldn
’
t care less about. I despised this fucking job.

“
Are you going to quit anytime soon?
”
I asked and glared up at her.

She returned my glare and put her hand on her hip. It was weird seeing her dressed like one of J.D.
’
s minions. She may play the part well, but she definitely didn
’
t look it. Her pressed black skirt was long enough to piss her off but short enough to piss off J.D. Her white dress shirt was un-tucked but wrinkle free. It was nearly see- through and J.D. had already made three comments this morning on her choice of
colorful undergarments.

“
Look,
”
I started, turning in my chair and clasping my hands behind my head.
“
I
’
ll shave when you quit. I dare you.
”

“
That taunt doesn
’
t work on me anymore. You know why I
’
m here and that means you know why I won
’
t quit.
”

I
’
d been working with J.D. for a month and a half when Careless had planted the idea in J.D.
’
s head that she was needed here when she really wasn
’
t. It grew like a forest fire and Careless insisted she could help me better if she were inside enemy territory. After that, it was useless trying to convince her otherwise. No matter how hurtful I
’
d been, she hadn
’
t budged.

“What’s going on?” I asked when I entered J.D.’s study and found Careless sitting in front of his desk.

She didn
’t bother to turn around, and that made me even more suspicious that I really wasn’t going to like what they were about to tell me.

“
Ahh, there you are. We’ve been waiting. Sit down.”

I stood behind Careless, not making a move to follow J.D.
’s commands.

“
Suit yourself. Cara and I were talking and she thinks it’s about time she starts taking some interest in the family business.”

“
And you agree?”

“
It’s always been my dream to have my children a part of the empire I’ve built.”

“
Even after they’ve tried to con you out of half a million dollars?”

“
She knows she was wrong and she knows that she will never be smart enough to trick me.”

I watched Careless
’s fingers curl around her chair and her knuckles turned white. She hated submitting to my father, even if it was all pretend.

“
No,” I said firmly.

J.D.
’s eyebrows lifted. “No?”

“
No. That wasn’t part of the deal. I don’t want to be around her. I don’t want anything to do with her.”

Her back stiffened at my harsh words, and I couldn
’t help but hope they hurt her as much as she hurt me.

“
I’m sorry you feel that way, Ryland—”

“
Bullshit.”

“
But she is coming to work with us. You’ll learn to deal... or else.”

If he had anything else to say on the matter, I didn
’t bother to stick around to hear it. When I was halfway down the hall, I heard Careless calling after me.

“
I know you hear me.”

“
Actually, I’m pretending I can’t. Go away.”

“
You need me there, Ryland. I can help!”

“
I don’t need your kind of help, dear sister. Just leave me the hell alone. I can’t help that I’m forced to see you every day, but listen closely. I don’t want or need your help. I’m done with you.

When we were kids, Careless had wanted to tag along with Sebastian and me to the mall. Of course we said no. No way in hell did we want to drag our little sister with us, but Careless was determined and she stood there, arms crossed, eyes narrowed, and held her breath until she turned fifty shades of purple. Scared the shit out of us, and needless to say, we gave in to her. Although, Sebastian had been all in for seeing how long she could hold her breath. Nothing had changed.

“
You forget I didn
’
t ask you to work here. I didn
’
t want you to work here. And I
still
don
’
t want you to work here.
”

I hadn
’
t decided yet if it was
all
her fault that I was this miserable. Honestly, I blamed everyone. It was everyone
’
s fault. Including Gary, the mail pusher. Why? Because for some ungodly reason, he smelled like BBQ chips.
All. The. Damn. Time.
And I was torn between wanting to tell him to go take a shower and grabbing his hands and sniffing them. I was a sicko now too. The smallest things also made me think of her and I didn
’
t like thinking of her. Okay, that was a lie. I fucking loved it. It was the sweetest kind of torture.

I missed everything about it her. I missed her so much it ached. It never went away and I carried around this pain everywhere. It was rooted in everything I was and it ate me up from the inside out. It made me darker, angrier, until I felt like a completely different person, until I was living in my own kind of darkness.

“
But you need my help!
”
Careless insisted, bringing me out of my slow descent.

I leaned forward into my desk and dropped my voice.
“
I already know where she is, Careless. You
’
re useless to me.
”

It was harsh, but I was harsh now. Apparently, I was a lot of things now. I found it hard to give a shit though. Even as her face crumbled and her eyes glistened over, I felt noting.
Tough shit, Careless. You made your bed. Lie in it.

“
Why haven
’
t you gone after her? Brought her back?
”

“
Why? So your conscience can be cleared?
”

“
No, so you
’
ll stop being a dick!
”

“
Things will never go back to the way they were before, Careless. Whether Araya is here or not.
”

“
I don
’
t care about that! Just bring her back!
”

“
She didn
’
t want to come back!
”
I roared.

Pushing myself out of my chair, I turned toward the window and looked out.

“
What are you talking about?
”

“
Go away, Careless. Can
’
t you tell by now when you
’
re not wanted?
”

Harsh.
Whatever.

She inhaled swiftly.
“
You
’
re starting to become just like
him
, Ryland,
”
she accused, hurt.

“
Did we suddenly become the pot and kettle? Are you really going to accuse me of being black?
”

“
If we
’
re one in the same now, why am I still getting the cold shoulder?
”

“
Because I blame you, Careless!
”
I snapped, turning on her. So it was decided. I blamed her too.
“
I blame everyone. I
’
m like this now because of all of you. Even your brother played a part in my demise.
”

“
My
brother? Now you don
’
t claim us anymore, either?
”

“
No. Claiming you means I have to claim myself.
”
And I fucking hated myself right now. And I hated her for reminding me of that.
“
Claiming us means claiming we
’
re
his
blood and more than anything, I don
’
t want to be anything of his. So I
’
m only going to say this as nicely as I can
once
. Please leave me the hell alone.
”