The Grace In Darkness (4 page)

Pete
’
s was a small pub down the street that all the kids from MA hung out at. Each night they did something different and tonight was karaoke. Most of the kids who went knew the songs by heart since they couldn
’
t read the screens. I had yet to go and even though it sounded like fun, I wasn
’
t in the mood to go out.

“
I think I
’
m just going to stay in tonight, but thanks, girls!
”

“
Is there something in that room of yours we don
’
t know about, Araya? You sure do spend a lot of time in there—ouch!
”
Elise wined.

“
Hush, El. Leave Araya alone. Maybe next time?
”

“
Yes. After the recital for sure. Have fun!
”

I walked away quickly before I was stopped by anyone else and slipped into my room. Leaning my head against the door, I sighed, thankful to be alone.

“
Don
’
t feel too relieved just yet.
”

I bit my tongue I jumped so hard at the sound of her voice, and my eyes watered over from the pain. I coughed as my scream erupted in my throat and burned the soft lining.

“
Holy fudge! You scared me!
”

“
Did you pee?
”

I frowned.
“
What?
”

“
Did you pee?
”

“
Nooooo.
”

“
Then I didn
’
t scare you that bad. When you pee, then I
’
ll feel bad.
”

“
Your logic is undeniable,
”
I quoted sarcastically.

“
You know it, Will.
”

I smiled thinking of our Will Smith movie marathon the other night. People thought it was weird that I sat and watched movies, but I still liked hearing them.

“
Well, I almost bit my tongue off,
”
I said, rubbing the tip of it against the roof of my mouth and throwing my bag on the floor.

“
Well, almost isn
’
t bitten off. So you
’
re good.
”

I sat down next to her.
“
How do you keep getting in here?
”

“
I had a key made,
”
she said nonchalantly.

I rolled my head toward her.
“
What? When?
”

“
When we went and got your tree stuff, which by the way, you have yet to put up, and I get why you say fudge, I do, but once in a while it
’
s okay to say fuck. Sometimes you just need to say fuck.
”

“
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live in your head.
”

It amazed me at how many things she could talk about and focus on at all times.

“
Crowded and kind of like being on a nude beach.
”

“
I don
’
t know how to respond to you sometimes.
”

“
I want to hear you say it.
”

“
Say what?
”

“
Fuck.
”

“
You
’
re insane. I
’
m getting something to drink and maybe some fudge.
”
I teased.

I went to get up, but she grabbed my arm and pulled me back down.

“
Say it or I
’
ll lick you!
”

“
You wouldn
’
t!
”

“
Oh, I would, and I think you know I will. Say it!
”
she demanded.

“
No!
”

“
Why?
”

“
Because I don
’
t want to.
”

And then it happened—she licked the side of my face. Then she got up from the couch and walked off as if nothing happened.

“
What kind of juice do you want?
”
she said as if her tongue hadn
’
t just swept across my cheek.

“
I hope you like the way sweat tastes,
”
I yelled, wiping my cheek.

“
If could have been worse.
”

“
Or you could have not done it at all.
”

“
Or you could have said fuck.
”

I watched as her silhouette made its way toward me again and her hand extended. I took the juice from her.

“
I was calling your bluff.
”

“
Know who you
’
re dealing with, Araya.
”

I smiled because she was totally crazy, but that
’
s what I loved about her. She wasn
’
t predictable. She made me laugh and honestly, she reminded me a lot of my mom, and it gave me a piece of home.

“
Go take a shower. I
’
m going to get some food and then we
’
re going to put together that damn tree.
”

Twenty minutes later, I stood under the hot spray of water as it coated my body in goose bumps. It felt so good; I could have stayed there until the water no longer offered its comfort.

I welcomed Makayla
’
s company because she helped keep my mind occupied.

Not that it worked a hundred percent. He was always there, somewhere in the back of my mind, consuming me and pulling me under. I tried to focus as much as I could on school and dancing until I had no energy to think about anything else. And on good days, I could get through them without thinking about Ryland every minute, but he was always there.

His voice taunted me during the day. At least once every day I would think I heard him calling my name through the halls. It was a cruel joke when I was surrounded by shadows. He lived in my dreams, and most nights I couldn
’
t wait to close my eyes so he
’
d be there. My body ached for his touch, and more than once, I felt the phantom caress of his fingers over my skin.

I
’
d lost count of the nights I
’
d awoken gasping for one more breath and my body trembling, reaching for him, only to remember he wasn
’
t really there. The pain was soul crushing and I
’
d end up crying until I thought I
’
d never stop. And I knew I was never going be
okay
again.

I knew I asked for this. New surroundings, new people, a new life... but moving on was impossible when my heart wasn
’
t on my side, and I was starting to wonder if you truly loved someone, can you ever really move on?

The water was no longer scorching my skin, and I knew it was time to get out. Finishing up, I was quick to get dressed and turn up the heat in my small apartment. I actually didn
’
t mind the size at all. I liked that it was similar to what I was used to.

I washed my morning dishes and snacked on crackers while I waited for
Mak to come back.

I had a nice routine going, and I was proving to myself that living on my own wasn
’
t only something I could do on my own, it was something I could do well. I needed to prove to Ryland, or I felt like I
’
d needed to prove to him that I could do this. My reasons felt valid, but now I was wondering if maybe... maybe I needed him more.

“
Sure, you break in when I
’
m not here, but when I am, you knock?
”
I yelled through the closed door.

I pulled the door open, expecting
Mak to come sweeping in, but that didn
’
t happen. I could see their shadow so I knew someone was there, but I was having second thoughts about opening my door without making sure who was there.

“
You normally have people breaking and entering?
”

I sighed, instantly feeling better.
“
Only Mak. She doesn
’
t believe in locks or the law.
”

Pierced laughed.
“
That doesn
’
t surprise me. Well, I come bearing gifts.
”
I must have made a face because he laughed again.
“
I
’
m guessing Mak didn
’
t tell you...
”

“
Tell me what?
”

“
I guess I
’
m crashing your party. She invited me to come hang out. I hope you don
’
t mind.
”

I smiled.
“
I don
’
t mind. I just hope you don
’
t get bored. We
’
re putting up my very first Christmas tree since four years ago.
”

“
Sounds like fun.
”

I like that he didn
’
t make me awkwardly explain why I hadn
’
t had one in so long.

“
We got Chinese.
”

And that
’
s all it took for everything to come crashing down around me. One stupid word, and the memory of that night was a pressure building in my chest until I couldn
’
t breathe. I stood there feeling hot and cold, like my body was being ripped in two.

“
Nothing lasts forever, Ryland.”

“
Damn it, let me be your nothing, Araya.”

No! The word echoed inside my head and my ears rang at the sound of my protest. I couldn
’
t keep reliving that night over and over. I knew it by heart now, and it was a nightmare that replayed over and over and it broke me every time. I didn
’
t want to move on from Ryland, but I knew this wasn
’
t helping me either. I felt like I was destined to float through limbo until I learned how not to miss him so much.