The Grace In Darkness (5 page)

“
Are you okay?
”
Pierce asked, touching my arm.

I shook myself from my thoughts and forced a smile.
“
I
’
m fine.
”

I wasn
’
t. I was actually far from fine, but no one else needed to know that. Minutes later, Mak came bouncing through my room with a pizza and pizza boy
’
s number.

“
I thought we were eating Chinese?
”
I asked, confused.

“
It
’
s all about variety, A. It
’
s what makes the world go
‘
round.
”

“
You stole someone
’
s pizza, didn
’
t you?
”

“
I didn
’
t steal anything. He gave it to me.
”
She insisted.
“
And I gave him my phone number.
”

Peirce and I laughed. It was easy to be distracted by the two of them.

We ate and then I helped Peirce put together the tree while Mak unwrapped the silver and red ornaments. For the next hour, we decorated the tree while Mak entertained us with childhood Christmas stories.

I loved hearing about her family and her brothers and sisters. It took my mind off things, but not completely. Never fully completely. And as I sat there listening to Pierce and
Mak trade old family war stories, my thoughts remained with Ryland.

W
alking up to the door, I took a deep breath, and lifted my hand to knock. Every second that I
’
d been away from Araya came crashing down on me like a cold shower of reality. I had attempted this once already, and I
’
d found that she was happier than I thought she would be. What if I
’
d waited too long to come back for her?

Just the thought was enough to bring me to my knees, so I pushed it away and took a deep, nauseating breath and knocked hard on the door. I
’
d been able to hear the music on the other side, and I listened now as it faded into nothing.

I took a step back when the door was flung open with way too much force to match the person on the other side. A small brunette stood in the doorway, with flushed cheeks and her hair in a high ponytail. She was out of breath like she
’
d been belting it out with the radio or dancing or maybe both.

She held the door with one hand and leaned her body into the edge of it. She was wearing a tank top that hung mid-thigh, and I didn
’
t linger long enough to see if she wore anything underneath. Her hot-pink fuzzy slippers were my safety zone. She smacked loudly on a piece of red licorice and eyeballed me curiously.

“
Can I help you?
”
she asked, amused.

I did a double take on the room number before clearing my throat. I was surprised by a couple of things: the fact that she could see me for one, and two, that she wasn
’
t Araya. I opened my mouth to speak, but I
’
d taken too long and missed my chance because she was talking again.

“
Yes,
”
was all she said and then she smiled like she
’
d just learned a secret.

“
Huh?
”
I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling like I
’
d missed something important.

“
Yes, I
’
ll go out with you.. That is why you
’
re here, right?
”
Again, her smile was all-knowing.

“
Why do you assume everyone who knocks on
our
door is here to ask
you
out?
”

The brunette
’
s smile widened as she watched me, but I was no longer interested in figuring her out. I heard
her
voice float in from the background, and my heart skipped as I tried to look around the brunette.

She was standing in the back of the room with her back to me. She wore the same high ponytail as the brunette. Her shirt was designed to be wide around the shoulders and it hung off one and flared around her middle. Her jean shorts were faded and frayed around the edges. I followed the curves of her long legs down to her bare feet.

She hadn
’
t even turned around yet and she already looked so much different. She was curvier, leaner. Her hair was longer and darker. She even sounded different— happier, settled—and that made my nerves knot. I wanted to walk up to her and spin her around, and then I would decide if I wanted to kiss her first or pick her up and take her away.

“
Maybe I did speak too soon. I think he
’
s here for
you
, Araya.
”

At the sound of her name, I looked at the brunette again. She studied me intensely, and I couldn
’
t figure out if she was making fun of me or not. But then Araya spoke and I completely forgot the brunette was even there.

“
For me? I don
’
t—
”
She turned around and her sentence came to an abrupt halt.

She swallowed hard and her body didn
’
t waste any time singing for me. I smiled because she took my breath away, and I felt like I was going to explode from the fact that I
’
d taken hers too. It took a second for my brain to catch up to what my eyes had already figured out, and I frowned.

I had to be seeing things, right? There was no way she... but it was useless trying to fight what I could plainly see. She was staring at me like she
’
d seen a ghost. No, she was staring at me like she could see...
me.
My frown deepened and I took a step into the room.

“
How...?
”
I couldn
’
t even finish.

She could see me. There was no mistaking that. It was in the way she looked at me now, and I would never forget the way she looked seeing me for the first time. It was etched into my head forever.

“
Ryland,
”
she said softly, and hearing my name on her lips was my undoing. I was across the room in half a second.

My hand was around the back of her neck and she was in my arms before she could fully register what was happening. I had so many questions and I wanted answers to all of them, but not before I got to feel her soft lips against mine. I wanted to feel her desperate sighs and her body melting into mine. I wanted to be
her
undoing. And then I would get my answers.

I pulled her up to me and she was so close I could feel her breath across my lips. It was sweet, minty. It was Araya. And I missed her too damn much to wait another second to have her.

“
Araya?
”

And just like that, I missed my chance, and she was pulling away from me to look at the open door.

“
What
’
s going on?
”
he
asked, but I
’
d yet to look away from Araya to look at him.

I felt like everything was suddenly moving in slow motion and if I looked away from her toward the voice I had instantly associated with pure hate, I
’
d lose her forever.

She turned back to me again. Her eyes were polluted with an apology I didn
’
t want to see, and I became angry. I knew what she was saying, and this was my worst nightmare. I knew what was going on now and I couldn
’
t stop it from happening. From playing out the way it did every time.

It was pure torture knowing she was right here and I couldn
’
t have her. I expected the worst and now it was happening.

I was flooded with a rage so hot it burned every inch of my body. Fear scorched the edges of my rage and everything started to grow dark around me. I gripped her arms painfully tight, desperate to hold on to her. I wanted to hate her. I wanted to despise ever meeting her, falling in love with her, but I couldn
’
t bring myself to. Not even a little bit.

My vision became blurred and I panicked, trying to memorize every last detail of her face. I didn
’
t want to forget one freckle, one dimple. Rough hands pulled at me, trying to drag me away from her, and I fought against them as hard as I could, yanking her with me like a ragdoll.

I felt like I was trying to escape from quicksand and my strength was rendered useless. It was getting darker and fuzzier, and I tried to shake it off, but I was losing her. I was losing a part of myself.

“
I told you to stay away from her,
son.”
J.D.
’
s sinister voice was behind me, and I tried to reach around to fight him, but I couldn
’
t.
“
Now you
’
ll never. See. Her. Again.
”

Everything went dark and I couldn
’
t see her anymore.

“
NO!
”

I shot up in bed, gasping as I tried to pull the gift of oxygen through my body. My chest rose and fell, heavy with the weight of my nightmare. Throwing my legs over the edge of the mattress, I lowered my head between my knees, sucking in what air I could. I felt like the walls of my bedroom were closing in on me, suffocating me, and I needed to get out of here.

I was lightheaded and dizzy as I stumbled into the bathroom. Turning on the light, I fell against the sink, letting my head hang over it. I turned on the tap and let the cold water run over my entire head and over the back of my neck.

It trickled down the sides of my face and into my mouth. I blew out, spitting water everywhere. The icy liquid bit at my skin, but it washed away the remains of the dream, so I stayed there longer.

When I couldn
’
t feel anything anymore, I reached for the faucet and turned off the water, letting myself drip dry for a few seconds. I grabbed a towel from the rack beside me and covered my face. Standing up, I stretched and the water from my hair trickled down my back. Running the towel quickly through my hair, I threw it into the sink and hit the light.

Stopping by the kitchen first, I filled a glass with filtered water, gulping it down as I made my way back to my room. I lay down on my bed and kicked the blankets down toward the end of the bed. Looking up, I stared at the ceiling fan until all I could hear was the whizzing of the blades as they spun furiously.

It was the same nightmare for the last month, and every night I woke up the same way- in a cold sweat, gasping for air, and blinking away the darkness. I could handle the going blind part. Even the part where J.D. shows up. What I couldn
’
t handle was his voice and being ripped away from Araya. Once it got to that point, every part of my being knew it was a dream, but no matter how hard I tried to wake myself, I couldn
’
t do it. So I suffered through it until I woke feeling like the life was being sucked from me.

I didn
’
t know anything about dreams or the deeper hidden meaning behind them, but this dream was fucked up in the most dark, sinister way possible.

I struggled to breathe. Struggled to do the simplest thing- survive. But most of all, I struggled to live without her.