The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (46 page)

He thinks I shouldn’t have to rely on something besides him for sex.
Everyone employs some type of stimulation—in addition to a partner—during partner sex. For some people it’s a certain fantasy, for others it’s special clothing or a mood or setting. This stimulation may not always be necessary for you to reach orgasm, but it does enhance your sexual experience. You can try to find out what sorts of stimuli he responds to and then draw a parallel between that and your desire to bring a vibrator into your sex play. If you haven’t talked about it before, find out if he masturbates (odds are he does) and suggest that this is an example of his not relying solely on you for sex. If it’s orgasms he feels he should be giving you during partner sex, teach him how to hold the vibrator.

One lover asked me, “Why would you want to use something mechanical?” to which I responded, “Wouldn’t you rather machine wash than hand wash? Vibrators are quick, efficient, and get the job done!”

If none of these approaches works and you feel the need to choose between the partner or the toy, you might consider these words from Betty Dodson: “My advice to women just starting a new affair is: When you bring out your vibrator, it separates the jocks from the lovers. If he can’t handle the concept that after you fuck you want to come with your vibrator, I’d recommend keeping your vibrator and getting rid of your lover. Men or women who love women don’t make an issue over how their partner gets off, just as long as she does.” In our ideal world, our lovers would care only about helping us reach new heights of pleasure:

My most enjoyable toy experience, without a doubt, was the day I bought my then-girlfriend a Hitachi. She had only recently become orgasmic, and only had orgasms while fucking me (not that I minded!). But I had always been fascinated with women’s masturbation. So when I gave her the vibe, she got right down to it. Within a couple of minutes, she had a lovely orgasm, her toes curling, thrashing around on the bed. Then laughter and smiles. I had given her the gift of being able to come on her own!

Buying a Toy for Your Partner

Think about why you’re buying a vibrator. Do you have some expectation around improving your sex life that your partner might not be aware of? Do you think her orgasms should be different? How will she react? Are you buying him a vibrator because you want to use it yourself? What message will this send?

Talk to each other about your expectations beforehand (as opposed to whipping the toy out in the heat of passion). If your partner is feeling pressured or intimidated, don’t push the issue. Try to get at the root of the anxieties, but do not pass judgment. In this example, it appears that the couple spoke about vibrators at some point, which may have contributed to the success of the surprise:

My lover knew I had never used a vibrator. I was blindfolded and tied up and she had been talking dirty to me. Then all of a sudden, I hear this buzzing and I felt the vibrator on my clit. Then she started fucking me in the ass with her fingers while she kept the vibrator on my clit. The fact that I couldn’t see it, only hear it, made it exciting. I found out later that it was the Hitachi Magic Wand. From that day on, it was the only vibrator for me.

Using Your Vibrator with a Partner

Throughout this chapter we’ve identified a variety of vibrators and pointed out ways you can use them alone or with a partner. Different models offer different kinds of access or stimulation, depending on how you want to get off. Any vibrator can be used to engage in a form of mutual masturbation, where you simply take turns coming in each other’s presence. Toys like anal vibes or vibrating nipple clamps can be used to accessorize whatever sex act you’re engaged in. But what many couples really want to know is:
How can we incorporate a vibrator into intercourse, or penetrative sex?
Here are a few of the most common ways, but as usual, we encourage you to experiment! Since women so often find it easier to orgasm with a vibrator, the following discussion assumes that at least one partner is a woman.

THE MISSIONARY POSITION: Toys with long arms, like the wand vibrators, can be wedged in between two people in the missionary position. The arm is easy to hold if the woman is on the bottom, and the large head vibrates the clit and the penis or dildo; the vibrations are so strong they can be felt on a penis buried inside the vagina. Pregnant women, people with limited mobility, or those with big tummies prefer vibrators with long arms or heads curved to more easily reach the clit. If there isn’t much space between the partners (that is, if the partner on top can’t prop himself or herself up very high), there may be only room enough for a smaller battery vibrator like the Pocket Rocket, one of the Natural Contours models, or the Fukuoku finger vibe (see the Trends and Innovations sidebar). Another simple solution is to try one of the smaller, hands-free vibrators, though you may not get as much pressure as you need. Vibrating cock rings can also offer a simultaneous buzz for both partners.

The first time I had sex with a friend of mine, he got up and came back with a vibrator. I looked at him with some dubiousness but more lust. He penetrated me, then tucked the vibrator between us and turned it on. Wheeeeeeee. I don’t think I can separate orgasms in that experience; I turned into a thrashing little puddle of joy.

I LOVE the Fukuoku. I enjoy clitoral stimulation while being penetrated by my boyfriend. With Fukuoku’s help, I get off easily.

Sharing a wand vibrator

WOMAN-ON-TOP: A woman on top can hold almost any style of vibrator against her clit. In this position she’s got all the control, not just of the vibration, but of the thrusting motion as well, so that she can adjust rhythm and speed accordingly. It’s a less passive role than the missionary position, and often a total turn-on for the partner on the bottom. The hands-free vibes and cock ring vibes can both work well in this position, since a woman on top has better control of the clit stimulation they provide than if she’s on the bottom.

The bunny jelly cock ring is both enjoyable and amusing. It’s silly, and it works great for face-to-face penetration for a hetero couple or over a strap-on in girl-to-girl play.

REAR ENTRY: Since rear entry penetration affords direct stimulation of the G-spot, this position can be particularly explosive when combined with clitoral stimulation. A wand vibrator with a big head can be propped up on a pillow so that the woman’s clit presses into it with each thrust. A partner’s hand, equipped with the Fukuoku finger vibe, can reach around easily and stimulate a partner’s clitoris. Hands-free vibes are nice if you require your hands for support—just move the thong-style strap to one side during penetration. Experiment with positioning; you might find that standing beside the bed while your partner kneels on it is more comfortable (and gives you more room for toys) than having you both on the bed.

SIDE BY SIDE: Spoon or side-by-side positions are a little more awkward for vibrator use, yet still good options for those with bigger tummies or limited mobility. In the spoon position, a woman lies on her side with a wand vibrator propped up against her clit, while her partner penetrates her from behind. Alternately, the spooning partner can reach around and hold a smaller vibrator against her clitoris. In a variation on this position, the woman reclines back slightly, opening her legs and placing one over her partner, who can be lying behind her on his or her side or at more of a right angle.

DOUBLE PENETRATION: Plenty of women have fantasized about and finally discovered the thrill of double penetration, thanks to dildo-type vibrators. Your partner’s dildo or penis goes in either your vagina or anus, a vibrating dildo (the cylindrical style) goes in the other, and a clit vibrator tops off the adventure. Sometimes it feels like you need extra hands or a helper to coordinate all the activity, but with a little experimentation you might find just the right combination. Dual vibrators like the Rabbit Pearl can give you both vaginal and clitoral vibration at once, though you may need to hold the base to keep it from sliding out. In woman-on-top you can squat on a dildo vibrator, but the drawback is that you’re juggling a lot of movement at once. In the missionary position you can more easily spare one hand to hold the toy in place, and in the side-by-side position you can use your legs to keep a firm grip on a vaginally inserted toy while your partner penetrates you anally. If you don’t want to worry about the toy falling out, you might try wearing a vibrating plug.

I love having a partner straddling a larger sit-on-top type vibrator while I penetrate her anally. The vibrations go through her to me with a mind-blowing intensity.

Common Questions about Vibrators

Which is the best vibrator?
This question can usually be interpreted in two ways. Do you mean “Which is the best vibrator for reaching orgasm?” Only you can be the judge of that. People respond to all different kinds of stimulation, so what works best for one person may be completely irritating to someone else. The only way to find the best vibrator for
you
is to experiment.

The other way to interpret this question is, “Which is the most popular vibrator?” If you want to use popularity as a litmus test for which toys are more likely to please you, that’s your prerogative. At Good Vibrations, the Hitachi Magic Wand, the Wahl Coil, the Smoothies, the waterproof vibes, the dual vibrators (like the Rabbit Pearl), the Fukuoku, and the Ultime all have large and faithful fan clubs.

Will I get addicted?
There’s absolutely no physiological basis for addiction to any form of sexual stimulation. It is true, however, that many of us become habituated to whatever stimulation reliably produces orgasms. Some of us prefer sex in a specific position, sex with a specific fantasy, or sex with a specific partner. It is equally possible to become habituated to sex with a vibrator. There’s nothing wrong with it—what’s wrong are the people or the voices inside our head saying we “should” have orgasms a certain way and that therefore we “should” wean ourselves from our vibrators. Unfortunately, many sex manuals, experts, and mainstream media perpetuate the addiction myth:

I read a Dr. Ruth manual in my early twenties and became concerned that I would be a slave to the vibrator or water jets.

If you enjoy your vibrator, keep buzzing! If you want to learn other ways of orgasming, here are a few tips for breaking your sexual pattern with the vibrator: Set aside more time to explore alternative sexual activities. Or try the “stop and start” method—bring yourself to the edge of orgasm in your usual way, and then switch to another type of stimulation (you’ll find it can be as much fun to go for heightened arousal as instant gratification). Or experiment with different positions, fantasies, and sensations.

Will my genitals get numb?
Continuous use of a vibrator will not damage the nerve endings in the clitoris or the penis. You may experience a temporary numbness of your genitals caused by the vibrations, but your sensitivity always returns. You may be concerned that you’ll build up a tolerance to the intense stimulation offered by a vibrator and question whether you’ll ever be able to masturbate manually again. The answer is yes, you will build up a tolerance, and yes, you can masturbate manually again. Employ some of the suggestions above to break your pattern, and in time your clit or penis will be jumping for your hand like it used to.

What’s that mysterious warning about calf pain?
Vibrators and massagers sold in the United States are packaged with a label advising against using on unexplained calf pain because there’s a risk of shaking loose a blood clot, which could cause serious heart damage or death.

Will I get electrocuted?
Not unless you immerse your electric vibrator in the bath, the shower, the Jacuzzi, or any other body of water. Some people have been concerned that bodily fluid in contact with vibrators is dangerous, but to date we’ve never heard of anyone receiving a shock from even the most copious lubrication or ejaculation.

Can vibrators be dangerous?
If you apply common sense (don’t leave your vibrator home alone and running when you leave for vacation, don’t fall asleep with it on your stomach), there is no cause for concern. We do, however, try to warn people about certain types of vibrators, because of the potential for injury. Electric vibrators that have a heating element can cause minor burns on tender genital tissue. One dildo-type battery vibrator, which moves up and down in a slinky-like movement, has been known to pinch. Some vibrators have a metal rod in the center of the material that can cause damage if it pokes through; check to make sure the material covering the motor is thick and strong and doesn’t tear easily.