The Girl With No Past (22 page)

That morning I had found an old bag in the back of my wardrobe I’d forgotten I owned and I rustled in it, searching for my diary. I was meticulous about writing down my schedule for each week and wanted to show it to Sam.

But she didn’t wait for my evidence or any explanation. She had already stormed off and I was left staring at her back.

Finally finding my diary, I flicked through the pages until I found today’s date. Nine o’clock. I knew it. I had never made a mistake with my rota before. I considered going after Sam to thrust the diary at her, but I needed to check the online schedule first. Just in case.

Minutes later I was logged on to the front desk computer, scrolling through the spreadsheet until I came to my name. I found today’s date but when I checked my name, the time next to it clearly said eight o’clock. Not nine. I checked my diary again but there was no refuting it. I had written down the wrong time. Confused, I tried to think how I could have done that when I was always so careful. No answer came to me.

An elderly man shuffled up to the desk with a pile of books to return, so I closed down the spreadsheet and tried my best to focus on him. He asked if we had a book in stock, but I struggled to hear the name of the author. I was too engrossed in wondering how to make my error up to Sam, and all I could come up with was working extra hard for the rest of the day and staying late. But given her attitude towards me lately, I was sure my efforts would go unnoticed.

Shortly after Maria arrived, Sam sent me an email to say I was needed up in the study room for the afternoon. It would have been easy for her to tell me face-to-face, but she’d chosen this impersonal method of communicating her wish. Something wasn’t right. And now there was no chance to apologise for my mistake today; I would be stuck up there in the monotonous silence, with nothing to do but watch people studying.

At four o’clock, when I could take no more of the silence and intermittent rustling paper, Maria finally came to relieve me. I tried to question her about Sam, to find out if she was being off with Maria too, but she brushed me aside, reminding me to be quiet in the study room. The cold look she gave me warned me not to push it.

To make up for being late I stayed an extra hour, but when five o’clock came, I rushed out into the cold, relieved to be outside, wondering what the hell was going on with Sam and Maria.

Only when a man brushed past me, heading into the library, did I remember I needed to be alert. And that’s when it hit me how alone I was. Things might have gone well with Julian last night but I couldn’t drag him into this. It was too soon. He needed to get to know me first before he learned what a mess my life was. Sinking onto the steps, I hugged my knees to my chin to shield my face from the wind and called Ben.

‘Thanks for meeting me,’ I said, as soon as Ben reached my table. We were in the café near the library and I sat in my usual seat at the back, facing the entrance.

He peeled off his coat and unwrapped his scarf, draping them both over his chair. ‘It’s okay. Sorry you had to wait so long. I just couldn’t get off any earlier.’

I had already had three teas and couldn’t stomach another, but I offered to buy Ben a coffee. Now that he was there I began to doubt whether I could actually open up to him. I’d known him such a short time so how could I expect him to understand? To help me? And I hardly knew where to begin.

Sam and Maria’s behaviour today had got to me and I was finding it hard to deal with. Work was the one place where everything was okay, something I could rely on, but now everything was being shaken up.

‘No, I’ll get it, you sit tight,’ Ben said, heading off to the counter before I could object. I watched him walk away and tried to compose myself. Perhaps all I needed was some company. Maybe I didn’t need to talk about anything at all. As long as I wasn’t alone. How ironic, when all I’d done for years was crave isolation.

‘How’s Pippa?’ I asked, when Ben came back. In his hand was a huge mug of cappuccino, filled so high to the brim that chocolate-sprinkled froth pooled over the sides. He took a sip before sitting down.

‘She’s ill at the moment. Nasty bug. But she’ll be fine in a day or two.’ He smiled, but his lips remained tight and I wondered if her illness was more serious than he was letting on. And only then did it occur to me that he might not want to open up to me about personal things. I decided not to push it.

Nodding, I wondered what else I could talk about to stall for time. Opening up to Ben was going to be harder than I’d imagined and I had no clue where to begin. But now I had dragged him here I owed him some conversation. But all I could think of was to ask him about his work.

He humoured me for a while but he wasn’t fooled. ‘Are you okay?’ he said, taking another sip of his cappuccino. ‘It’s just that on the phone you sounded kind of upset. Has something happened?’

He watched me and I knew it was pointless trying to deny it, but how did I even begin to explain what had been going on? Especially without mentioning I knew exactly why it was happening. I placed my hands on my legs, out of Ben’s view because they had started to shake. I hadn’t even opened my mouth and yet I was already terrified of talking to him.

The room began to crowd in on me and I suddenly felt desperate for fresh, cold air. I glanced towards the door, already picturing running out of it. But it was better to talk in here where I could see whoever came in.

I turned back to Ben. ‘I’m okay, just… it’s not been a good week, I suppose.’

He offered me his kind smile. ‘I can tell. Can I do anything?’

That was my opportunity. He was offering me help, all I needed to do was take it, be willing to open up to someone for the first time.

But I couldn’t.

If I told him anything about what I’d done, his seat would be empty within seconds, as if he’d never sat there. ‘I’ll be okay,’ I said, checking how my hands were doing. The shaking had subsided so I reached for my mug. ‘But thanks for caring.’

Looking across at him, I could see he was disappointed. He made a show of brushing it off, sipping his drink and telling me how good it tasted, but it was too late. I had seen what was there. He was trying to form a friendship with me and I was pushing him away.

After a few minutes he tried again. ‘Look, Leah, I know we’ve only just met. But I do like you. As a friend, I mean. I’ve got Pippa, of course. But if you need to talk then I’m here. I want you to know that. No matter what it is.’

‘Can we go for a walk?’ I hadn’t planned to ask this, the words just formed themselves and left my mouth.

He seemed surprised at my request, but agreed, quickly finishing his drink. As we stood up I noticed half of it remained in his cup and I felt both comforted by, and envious of his selflessness. He had put me – a virtual stranger – first and that made him a better person than I was.

Once outside, I immediately felt better. I still didn’t think I could open up to Ben, but I wasn’t yet ready to be alone. Both of us were silent as we trudged through the fresh snow, trying to avoid patches of old ice.

He soon filled the gap, and I was grateful just to hear his voice. It didn’t matter at first what he was saying. ‘When I first met Pippa, I was worried what she’d think of me if she knew all about my past relationships. But she couldn’t let it go. She had a desperate need to know. I couldn’t understand that, I mean, I didn’t want to know any details of what she’d done before.’

I didn’t know what to say to this. I had so little experience of what he was talking about that I didn’t feel I could make a fair comment. As well as that, I was shocked he was telling me personal things about his girlfriend when only moments ago I had been worried about pushing him to talk about her illness.

‘So…was there anything that bad that you couldn’t tell her?’ As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted them.

‘Oh no, nothing bad. Just that I’d…really loved someone before and didn’t want her comparing my feelings.’

Relief spread through me. With everything that had happened lately, I wasn’t ready to hear that Ben wasn’t the man I had taken him to be. I still had my guard up, of course, but I had a modicum of trust for him.

‘So what did you tell her?’

‘Just that I’d been in love before and…well, it sounds corny, but had my heart trampled on. That’s exactly how I put it, too. Pippa didn’t like that. She was a bit distant for a while, but we’re fine now. This was all years ago. But my point is, I trusted my instinct and did the right thing. Being open often helps.’

I hadn’t noticed we’d come to a break in the pavement and I stepped out onto the road. Suddenly Ben was pulling me back, less than a second before a car screeched to a stop, inches from where I had just stood.

‘Are you okay?’ he said, still clutching my arm.

‘I…I’m okay.’ But I wasn’t. Everything was a mess, I couldn’t even concentrate on crossing the road. I needed help.

Ben let go of my arm and we began to cross. ‘Leah, I think you better tell me what’s going on.’

I looked at him then and knew I had to ask him for help. But it was only when we were safely across the road and continuing our walk that I began to speak. ‘I think I’m being stalked. Well, I don’t know exactly what it is, but someone is …doing stuff. Kind of tormenting me.’ Saying it aloud felt strange, trivialised it, made it seem it was no big deal. I expected Ben to burst into laughter.

Instead, he stopped and pulled me to the side of the pavement. ‘Say that again. And tell me everything.’

So I did. I explained about the card, the emails and the fake acid attack. All of it. And all the while, Ben listened, never interrupting me, his eyes fixed on me, even though what I was telling him must have sounded far-fetched. We’d only known each other a short time so how did he know I wasn’t some crazy woman, trying to get attention? I wished it were as simple as that.

When I’d finished speaking, telling him everything except the most important part – that I knew exactly why I was being targeted – he grabbed my hand.

‘This is awful. Why didn’t you tell me before? I can’t believe this is happening to you. You’re just so…nice.’ But I was far from that, my deceitfulness at that moment further evidence it was a false description.

Trying to push that aside, I stayed silent. What could I say without revealing too much of myself? I couldn’t pretend it was okay, that I was handling it because it was obvious I wasn’t. And now opening up to Ben felt like I’d bared my soul. But also that I’d shared my burden.

‘A small mercy is that you haven’t been hurt. But something has to be done about this person.’

And then I remembered the mugging. So far I had wanted to believe it was a random act, but what if my emailer had been responsible for that too? It seemed far-fetched but I couldn’t discount the possibility.

I hadn’t planned to, but I began to tell Ben about the mugging. While I spoke he seemed upset, shaking his head while his cheeks reddened. I wondered if he was more upset that I hadn’t told him, especially as it had happened on the day we’d met up, but I didn’t want to ask. It wasn’t important.

When I finished, he mulled over what I’d said, then nodded. ‘It’s too much of a coincidence to be a random mugging, surely? Look, Leah, we need to go to the police. Now.’

My phone vibrated in my pocket but I ignored it. I had to think of a logical reason for not wanting to report my harassment, one that Ben would buy into.

‘I just want to wait. To have more evidence to give them. I mean, so far it’s quite flimsy, isn’t it? And I didn’t report the mugging or the water incident.’

Ben looked around then said we should start walking again. ‘Are you hungry? We could get a burger or something? My treat.’ He pointed across the road at a Burger King. ‘I know it’s junk food but there’s nothing else around here and at least we’d be out of the cold.’

I nodded. ‘Only if you let me pay, though. To say thank you for listening.’

Ben opened his mouth, probably to protest, but let it go. ‘We’ll see.’

We crossed the road, both of us being careful to walk only when there was a large gap in the traffic. I had no doubt that the minute we sat down, Ben would try to convince me to report the harassment, but listening to that was preferable to going home to my empty flat. Why I suddenly felt this way after so many years was obvious. I knew something else was going to happen, and didn’t want to be alone when it did. Even though I couldn’t be with Ben all the time, at least I’d have an hour or two without facing it alone.

We ordered far too much food and took it on a tray to a table by the window. Ben unwrapped his cheeseburger and bit into it, watching me while he did so. ‘I can’t force you, but I really think you should report it, Leah. At least just think about it.’

There was no point protesting, it would only make him suspicious, so I nodded, dipping some chips in Ben’s ketchup. My phone beeped in my pocket but I ignored it, I would check it after I’d eaten.

We finished our food in silence, my hunger surprising me. When Ben got up to use the bathroom, I thought about how I could deflect him from focusing on the police. Of course he was right, and most people would report what had happened, but he didn’t know that it was impossible for me to face any police again. I just couldn’t do that to myself. Instead, I needed to convince him to help me track down my emailer, but that would be no easy task when I couldn’t be honest with him.