The Girl With No Past (20 page)

Locking myself in a cubicle, I sank to the floor and buried my head in my knees. But I didn’t cry. There had been too many years of that; I was now a dry well, incapable of the act. I think I wanted to, probably needed to, but my eyes remained dry.

Before Sam had delivered her news, I hadn’t realised how much the promotion meant to me, but now it was no longer an option I couldn’t seem to shake off the disappointment. I’d had a chance – even a small one – to make my life different, so now what was I supposed to do? Being fully aware that once things happened they couldn’t be truly forgotten, I couldn’t pretend the opportunity had never existed. Every day now at work would be tainted.

I tried to work out why Sam had changed her mind. I might have taken some time off work, but it was the first time in all the years I’d worked at the library, so that was unlikely to be the reason. Something else had forced her to reach this decision. I was sure of that. I was being targeted by someone. My life was becoming chaotic. Whatever it had been before was preferable to this.

Footsteps shuffled along the floor and halted right outside my cubicle. I couldn’t see any shoes underneath the door, but after a moment whoever it was shut herself in the cubicle next to mine. Forcing myself up, I grabbed some toilet paper and pretended to blow my nose. I had to pull myself together, go back out there and carry on.

Back at the front desk, Maria was rifling through her handbag. ‘I’m just off upstairs, then.’ She still gave me no eye contact. But as she headed off, she turned back. ‘Sorry you didn’t get the job.’ She was gone before I could reply.

Somehow I managed to focus on work for the next few hours. I threw myself into every task, going out of my way to be as helpful as I could. I even vacuumed the floor at the end of the day, even though the cleaners would be in that night. But I knew resentment was inside me, bubbling away, only kept under control by my refusal to give the promotion any more thought. I couldn’t let it destroy the pleasure I’d always had in my job. And now on top of that, I had to explain to Maria why I hadn’t told her I’d applied for the senior librarian post.

When I stepped outside, I was so preoccupied with wrapping myself up against the bitterly cold air that it took me a moment to notice someone was sitting on the steps, hunched up against the wall.

Julian.

I stared at him, unable to comprehend what he was doing here again. It had only been yesterday that he’d turned up at the library. Unless he’d come to break it off. To tell me that Friday was off and it had all been a mistake. The way my day was turning out, it would be no surprise.

‘Leah, hi.’ He pulled himself up and walked towards me. Attempting a smile, I prepared myself for his announcement.

‘Sorry to, you know, just turn up here again. But I had a day off work and was visiting a friend in Richmond so I thought, well, it’s not too far to Wandsworth, is it? And Friday seems like a long way off…’ Julian trailed off and waited for me to speak.

‘Okay.’ I was so surprised to see him there I couldn’t think what to say. What did I even look like? I was wearing dowdy black work trousers and my hair needed washing. If he hadn’t gone off me already then he certainly would now.

His face seemed to darken. ‘You don’t mind, do you? I can go if—’

‘No, I’m glad to see you. What did you want to do?’

His face brightened when I said this, and he moved closer towards me. ‘Actually, I have no idea. I just wanted to see you.’

So it was up to me. It was too cold to stand around here and even going for a coffee was unappealing. I just wanted to be at home. Safe. But then I remembered what had happened last time Julian was there; how could I be sure it wouldn’t be strange again? While I loved being there alone, in company the atmosphere seemed to change inexplicably.

‘Um, well…’

‘We could go back to yours? Get a takeaway or something? It would take too long to get to Bethnal Green and I’m starving!’ With Julian’s words the decision was taken out of my hands. Just like everything seemed to be lately.

We walked down Garratt Lane, avoiding lumps of ice that looked like they were sprouting from the pavement. Julian talked about his friend in Richmond, and I began to let my guard down. I almost forgot that anyone could be watching me.

As soon as we got back to my flat I saw it through Julian’s eyes: full of nothing but books, stark and depressing. I really needed to move, but with no chance of promotion, that was looking unlikely.

Julian chatted away, oblivious to our surroundings. I distracted him further by pouring him some of the wine that he’d left behind the other night, while I opted for apple juice instead. If Julian thought it strange, he didn’t say anything.

‘You should have let me get the drinks,’ he said. ‘You’ve been at work all day.’

We ordered Chinese food and when it arrived Julian paid the delivery man and rushed to the kitchen to dish up. It was strange to see him making himself at home, but I didn’t complain. Instead, I nestled into the sofa and went along with it. Again I found myself thinking of Adam. I couldn’t recall him ever doing a small thing like this, but then we were so young so how could I hold that against him?

Pushing aside all thoughts of Adam – thoughts that always seemed to surface when I was with Julian – I tucked into my food and let myself get lost in our conversation.

‘You know, I could help you decorate in here if you like?’ Julian said. ‘I’m quite handy with a paintbrush.’

So he had noticed what a state the flat was. I looked up at the yellowing walls, the woodchip wallpaper covering the ceiling. ‘I have been meaning to get to it. I know it needs work. It’s rented but the landlord did say I could redecorate when I moved in.’

He smiled at me, reaching across the table to stroke my hand. His unexpected touch sent a surge of excitement through my body. ‘Oh, I didn’t mean because of that. I was just thinking, if I helped paint and stuff then I’d be here more. A lot more.’

‘Well, then, I might have to take you up on that offer.’

‘And we should actually go out to eat sometime,’ he said, grains of rice falling from his fork to the plate balancing on his lap. ‘I’d really like to treat you to a nice restaurant.’

‘I’d like that.’

There was no dishonesty in my words, but I couldn’t picture it. Any of it. I was only just getting used to having him here in my flat. Everything he said made it sound as if we were in a relationship, but I had nothing except Adam to measure this by. Maria would have had the guts to ask where she stood. But all I could do was nod and continue eating, pretending this was as natural to me as waking up in the morning.

When we’d scraped our plates clean, I washed up while Julian excused himself to use the bathroom. I was only in the kitchen for a couple of minutes, but when I went back to the front room, Julian was standing at the top of the stairs, pulling on his coat. So that was it. Another evening cut short. After everything he’d said moments ago.

‘I just need to get some more wine,’ he explained. ‘Back in a sec.’

And then he was gone, and I was left feeling like a paranoid fool. Why did I always have to assume the worst? This was no way to start a relationship, or whatever it was we had. Julian was here because he wanted to be, I needed to accept that and stop being negative.

Rushing to the window, I watched him cross the road and head towards Garratt Lane, until he became a tiny dot. Standing there made me think of my emailer. He or she could be watching me at that very moment, watching Julian leave.

I still hadn’t called Ben but I couldn’t do it now. Tonight I had to give my full attention to Julian; I could not be distracted by the crazy stuff that was happening to me.

I sat on the sofa again and turned my attention to the television. A soap opera was on, the characters arguing and firing venom at each other. I muted the sound so I could only see their actions, and laughed at the actors’ ridiculous facial expressions.

I was so engrossed in watching the characters, and trying to guess what they were shouting at each other, that the soap had ended before I realised Julian wasn’t back. The shop was less than five minutes’ walk from my flat. My earlier resolve to be positive evaporated and I became certain that he wasn’t coming back.

For several minutes I sat motionless, digesting what this all meant. My eyes blurred as I stared at the flickering images on the television. Just like with the promotion, I had been rejected and I would have to accept it, let things get back to normal. But no matter how much I tried to tell myself it didn’t matter, I couldn’t hide what my heart wanted.

Eventually I got up and closed the curtains against the night, deliberately avoiding checking the street outside. It was too early to go to bed so I made myself a coffee and sat on the sofa. My eyes flicked to one of the bookshelves and focused on
Of Mice and Men
. I got up and removed the book, taking it back with me to the sofa. Once more, it made me think of Ben, but that did little to comfort me. I liked him, but he wasn’t Julian.

I began reading and had only managed a few lines when the buzzer chimed. Rushing to the window, I peered out, and there was Julian, pacing up and down, rubbing his hands together.

‘I’m so sorry,’ he said, when I opened the door. ‘I was on my way back when my brother called. He’s having some trouble with his girlfriend and needed me to…mediate, I suppose. I’ve been on your doorstep this whole time. Didn’t you hear me?’

And then I laughed. Whether from relief or the thought of how paranoid I’d become, I wasn’t sure, but it felt good.

Julian frowned but didn’t question my reaction. Instead, he followed me inside and headed straight to the kitchen to open the wine. ‘Are you sure you don’t want a glass?’

‘No, I just made some coffee. I’ve got a sore throat coming so thought a hot drink might help.’

Again, if he thought me strange he didn’t say a word. Perhaps when you were with someone you felt strongly about you just accepted their weirdness. Isn’t that what I had done with Adam?

It was happening again: my mind drifting to Adam when I wanted to be fully present with Julian. Although I had never acknowledged it, perhaps this was why I had avoided men for so long. Subconsciously I must have known any contact would remind me of him.

‘Shall we sit on the sofa?’ he asked, glancing at my tiny kitchen table.

I shrugged and led the way, knowing I must seem nonchalant, when inside I felt my stomach twisting itself in knots. Sitting with Julian on the sofa was a risk; it had got strange last time and I didn’t need a repeat performance. I didn’t know what I needed.

‘I like you, Leah,’ he said, as soon as we sat down. ‘I know I’m being direct but…there’s something about you.’ He looked down at his shoes and I preferred it that way. This was new territory for me. Even Adam hadn’t been as forthcoming about his feelings.

‘I do too,’ I forced myself to say. Although it was the truth, the words didn’t come easily.

Julian’s kiss took me by surprise. His mouth was cold and he tasted of wine, but somehow it warmed me up. It felt right.

What was even more surprising was that I didn’t think of Adam when Julian pulled me up and led me to my bedroom. We didn’t turn the light on, but even in the darkness, as we shed our clothes, Julian felt nothing like him. None of it was the same. So I let myself get lost, enjoying the forgotten sensation of a naked body against my skin, feeling as if this was my first time, and nothing had gone before.

Feeling healed.

Afterwards, I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face. What had started as a horrible day – with Sam delivering the news that I had no chance of promotion – had completely turned around. I hardly dared believe it was real, that there was a man I liked in my bed, but there he was. People always said it was easier to deal with things with someone by your side, but until now I had dismissed that idea.

I turned to Julian and he was smiling too, watching me intently. But my happiness quickly faded. Any moment now he would become distant and move away from me. He’d probably tell me he had to go. I would get no explanation but would be left here wondering what I had done wrong.

But half an hour later we still lay together, talking about the TV programmes we both loved as kids, Julian clutching my hand. It was comfortable. It was right. Even the headache I felt coming on couldn’t dampen the moment.

EIGHTEEN

All day I’ve waited for the bell to ring, wanting lessons to be over so I can see Adam. I need to know everything’s okay after what we did yesterday. I need to know he still wants me. I knew he’d be playing football at lunchtime so there’d be no chance to catch him then, which left me no choice but to thrust a piece of paper into Corey’s hand this morning, urging him to give it to Adam.

I smile now to remember ripping out the back page of my maths book, writing that I needed him to meet me after school by the art block. I didn’t want to sound desperate so I added an extra line.
I’ll understand if you don’t want to.
This way he has a get-out clause, the option to put it behind us, just one of those things, fun while it lasted. I am hoping he won’t take me up on this.

Finally the bell rings out across the school and there is an urgent flurry as everyone flocks to the gates, relishing the promise of freedom for another evening. Not me. I head in the opposite direction, a mixture of excitement and anxiety causing my stomach to churn.

I spot Imogen heading out of the English block and sprint over to her, shouting at her to wait. She spins around and when she sees it’s me her face lights up and she wraps me in a hug. She always does this, even when I’ve seen her less than a couple of hours ago.

‘Did Corey give Adam my note?’ I am out of breath and my words barely make sense.

Imogen thinks about this for a moment. ‘Oh, yeah, course he did. They had history this morning and he gave it to him then.’

Relief floods though me; this is one less thing to worry about. Now I just have to hope he turns up.

‘So,’ Imogen says. ‘Do you feel different? Kind of grown up? Like a real
woman
?’ She exaggerates the last word so that it sounds comical, not like a real word at all. I’d told her this morning as we walked to school, but am already regretting it. She’s reducing it to something trivial, when to me it is huge. The most important thing I’ve ever done.