The Girl With No Past (26 page)

Mum was in the kitchen making lunch when I got back. I could smell salmon and it made my mouth water, even though I didn’t want to waste time sitting down to eat. I had borrowed the spare key and handed it back to her, watching her face drop as I did so. It was a look I’d seen a hundred times before: the one that begged me to explain why I wouldn’t keep it. ‘What if I have an accident and you need to get in urgently?’ she always said. My constant excuse was that I was too worried I’d lose it. Of course I couldn’t tell her the truth: that I didn’t want any piece of this house. The key would just sit in my flat, reminding me of the life I’d tried so hard to put behind me.

The truth was nothing that had happened had anything to do with this house, not really. But to me it would always be linked.

Mum stayed quiet this time and taking the key from me, hung it on one of the key hooks by the kitchen door.

‘Can I use your computer?’ I asked, before she could question me about where I’d been. I’d told her I was going for a long walk but knew she didn’t believe me. ‘I just need to check something for work.’

‘Of course. Just be quick, lunch will be ready in fifteen minutes.’

It was strange being in Dad’s office again. Unlike my bedroom, nothing had changed in there and all his books still lined the floor-to-ceiling shelves. It was no wonder I was such a bookworm when Dad had been the same. But my habit had come on much stronger later. A way for me to escape.

I browsed the shelves for a few minutes, picturing Dad reading on the sofa, but then the memory got too painful and I pushed it away.

The computer took a while to load up and by the time I was typing
Jeremy Bowden, lawyer
into Google, I only had five minutes left before Mum would call me for lunch. But I was in luck and the top result showed a law firm in London called Slater and Gordon. I clicked on the link and studied the homepage. On it there was a link to a list of staff, and clicking on that, I saw there were pictures next to the names. Scrolling down until I found Jeremy’s name, my hand froze. Although much older, he looked identical to Adam and I wasn’t prepared for that. To be confronted with the adult Adam could be now.

After copying the address into my phone, I shut down the computer, feeling numb. What if things had been different and Adam and I had made it? What would we be doing at this moment? Perhaps we’d own a house and have children, although I couldn’t see Adam becoming that cliché. Or maybe he wouldn’t be the same person, we were barely adults the last time I saw him. I needed to stop thinking about this. For years I had successfully avoided the past, but now it was sucking me back in.

Downstairs, Mum and I ate the salmon she’d cooked and, even though I was eager to get going, it tasted delicious. She didn’t talk much, but every time I glanced at her she smiled and this was enough for me. She was happy I was there.

‘What are your plans this afternoon? You will stay another night I hope?’

I stood up and walked around the table to her, wrapping my arms around her. ‘I can’t, I’m sorry. I have to work tomorrow. In fact, I have to go in this evening just to check something so I’ll have to leave after this. I’m sorry, Mum. I promise I’ll make more effort, though. I will.’ I released her from my hug and sat back down, searching her face to work out what she was thinking, but it only seemed to fold in on itself.

The truth was I had told Sam I’d had a family emergency and needed a few days off. She’d said she hoped everything was okay but her voice was cold and flat, as if she was forcing herself to be a considerate employer. Maria hadn’t bothered texting to see if I was okay but I tried not to let that get to me. I had more important things to deal with before I could focus on the tension at work.

‘Okay,’ Mum said, looking down at her plate. ‘I’ve got my book club later anyway.’

It didn’t feel good lying to her, but I needed to go somewhere after this and she would never have understood. She would have tried to stop me.

After we’d finished eating, I helped Mum clear away, trying not to show that I was itching to leave. She could tell, of course, and it wasn’t long before she told me I’d better go and that she’d finish up. ‘I don’t want you to get in trouble at work,’ she said, but I knew she was just setting me free.

Leaving the house, I followed a familiar route, cutting through the small park we had spent our childhood playing in. Everything was the same, the only difference was the heaviness in my chest as I walked.

Then there it was in front of me: Imogen’s terraced house. Stuck in the same time warp as Adam’s and my own. The minute I saw it I began to wish I’d called instead. But that would give Mrs Bannerman the chance to hang up on me. She could still slam the door in my face now, but it would be a lot harder to ignore me.

I rang the bell and stood on the path, trying to stop my legs shaking. I’d had a break earlier by not having to confront Adam’s mum, but I was certain that wouldn’t happen this time.

A bearded man I’d never seen before answered the door, a scowl on his face. I knew from Mum that Mrs Bannerman had remarried after Imogen’s dad had left her, and assumed the man I was seeing now was her new husband.

‘Look, whatever it is, we’re not interested, okay?’ He grabbed the door, ready to shut it in my face.

I took a step forward. ‘Oh, I, no…I’m here to see Mrs Bannerman. Silvia.’ It was the first time I’d used her first name and it made me uncomfortable. She had only ever been Mrs Bannerman or Imogen’s mum, nothing else.

His scowl was quickly replaced with a smile, lighting up his eyes. He already seemed a lot warmer than Imogen’s dad had been. ‘Oh, okay. She’s in the kitchen. Who shall I say is here?’

And that was the problem. If I told him my name he would either slam the door without any more questions, or if he didn’t know about me, Mrs Bannerman would soon tell him to get rid of me. But I had no choice. All I could do was try to get away with not revealing my name.

‘I’m a friend of her daughter’s. I was just visiting friends and wanted to see how Mrs…Silvia is.’

He frowned, as if weighing up whether or not to believe me, but then told me to wait there. He left the door open and headed to the kitchen. Even though that door was shut I could make out muffled voices, growing louder, until the kitchen door opened and Mrs Bannerman appeared. She headed towards me, squinting because even though it was freezing, the sun was bright that day.

She looked different. Plumper than I remembered and far from the glamorous woman she used to be. She wore slouchy trousers and a baggy top, but if she wasn’t going out I couldn’t blame her for dressing comfortably in her own home.

It took her a moment to register who was standing on her doorstep but the second she did, she stepped back. ‘What? What are you doing here?’ She turned round, probably wanting to call for her husband. As if I was someone to fear.

‘Please, Mrs Bannerman. I’m really sorry, but I just need to talk to you. Just five minutes. Please can I come in? Or if you prefer we could go for a coffee somewhere?’ Despite my insides turning to jelly, I had managed to deliver my carefully prepared speech.

She turned back to me, her eyes filled with horror and sadness. I couldn’t blame her for that. ‘No…no, go away, Leah. You shouldn’t be here.’

But now that I was there, I couldn’t leave. Not without giving it my best shot to get her to talk to me. ‘I promise, just five minutes. That’s all I ask.’ I hoped she could hear the sincerity in my voice. Or was it desperation?

She began shaking her head, looking around once more for her husband, and I was certain she was about to shut the door. But then she seemed to give in, her whole body sagging from the effort it had taken to refuse me.

‘Come in then. Five minutes.’

There was new furniture in the living room: the comfortable fabric sofas I remembered had been replaced with cold, scratchy leather ones and the room felt cold and empty. We both sat down, perching on the edges of our seats, unable to relax.

‘So what’s this about, Leah? Why are you here?’

I might have prepared my initial speech but had no idea what I would say once she’d let me in. Perhaps I was expecting that she wouldn’t, that her door would be just another one slammed in my face.

‘I, um, I know this must be hard for you. Seeing me. I just didn’t know what else to do.’

I didn’t expect sympathy, but Mrs Bannerman’s stare cut right through me, turning me cold. ‘What is it? Just get to the point and then get out of here. I’m busy.’ I knew this was unlikely. Mum had told me that she didn’t do much of anything any more.

Taking a deep breath, I began to tell her everything that had happened. I spared no detail; I didn’t have to with her because she already knew the worst. She would know why I was being targeted. By the time I’d finished speaking her expression had changed, the icy stare replaced with a smirk.

‘Well, what do you expect?’ she said. ‘Did you think you’d be left alone to live in peace? After what you did?’ Her voice was louder now, more confident, and I saw a flash of the strong woman she had once been. The woman I had thought of as a goddess.

‘But—’

‘But what? You’re a poor innocent victim who doesn’t deserve this? Is that what you were about to say? Because that’s not true at all, is it?’

She was attacking me but how could I have expected anything else? ‘You’re right,’ I said. ‘I do deserve to be punished. But, Mrs Bannerman, I
have
been. What kind of life do you think I have? Am I married with kids? Living in a nice house with a good husband? Am I a really successful career woman with money weighing down my pockets?’

‘I know exactly how you live, Leah. In your crappy little flat with a job that you’re overqualified for and no man interested in you, but do you expect me to feel sorry for you?’

I wondered how she knew all this. I couldn’t imagine Mum discussing the state of my flat or the fact I’d not had a boyfriend since Adam. Gossip was rife in the circles Mum moved in, but she was such a private woman I knew she would do her best to keep herself, and me, out of it. Besides, Mrs Bannerman wasn’t even part of that group.

‘No, I don’t expect that, I’ve accepted that this is how my life should be. But these threats are something else, aren’t they? Or are you saying I deserve to die?’ I was being over-dramatic but I had to get my point across.

‘Yes, Leah, that’s exactly what I’m saying. I’d love to know who is doing this to you. Do you know why? Because then I could thank them personally for doing something I wish I could carry out myself.’ She stood up then, signalling our time was over, and walked out of the room, leaving me with her cold, hard words.

Before I had time to sort through what she had said, her husband appeared, telling me I needed to leave. Now. His smile from earlier had gone; he must have known by then who I was.

‘Don’t come back here and bother my wife again,’ he said, but before I could reply he slammed the door in my face.

Back at home, I stood looking around my flat. It no longer felt like my sanctuary, a safe place far removed from my previous life. Now the past had encroached upon it and I was sure it wouldn’t be long before there was a knock at the door. My emailer was leading up to something and had no intention of sticking to messages and words. The mugging and water attack had just been a warning of things to come.

At least I now knew that Mrs Bannerman had nothing to do with this so I could cross her off my list. But our earlier confrontation had highlighted to me just how many people loathed me. Had I ever thought differently? Tomorrow I would pay a visit to Adam’s brother. It wouldn’t be easy but at least he shouldn’t recognise me. He had been in America the whole time I’d been with Adam and there were no photos of the two of us together that Adam could have shown him.

I tried not to think about Julian. I don’t think I’d realised until then the full extent of my feelings for him. But now he was gone from my life, snatched away from me like everything else seemed to be, and I had no clue why.

At least I still had Ben. I decided to call him, hoping he would have news about tracing the emails, but knowing that he’d only try to persuade me to go to the police. Still, I needed to hear a friendly voice. His mobile rang for almost a minute but he didn’t answer. When his voicemail finally kicked in, I hung up. He was probably with Pippa, having a normal life, trying to ignore the heavy burden I had become.

Like everyone else, he too had probably slipped away from me.

TWENTY-FOUR

I sat shivering on a bench in front of the Slater and Gordon law offices. The huge modern building was in Holborn, with floor-to-ceiling windows on every level; Jeremy must have been doing well. He, at least, had managed to salvage a life for himself. Adam had wanted to be a lawyer, but I’d never heard him mention that was also his brother’s dream. Perhaps it hadn’t been then.

It had just gone five o’clock and there was no telling how long I’d have to sit there, slowly turning to ice. When I had called the law firm earlier to check that Jeremy was in the office, the receptionist confirmed that he was. So sooner or later he would have to come out. I assumed that most lawyers didn’t leave work this early, but I was prepared to wait. I had to know if Adam’s brother was my tormentor.