The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (98 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A man and his wife are on their honeymoon and they have been having sex for ages. The man’s cock is burning so he runs for the Vaseline but can’t find any. So he goes to the fridge and sees an ice cold glass of milk and puts his cock in it.
He turns around and his wife says, “Oh, that’s how you refill it.”
A man was complaining to a friend, “I had it all: money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman—then, poof! It was all gone!”
“What happened?” asked the friend.
“My wife found out.”
Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny’s father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously, “What are you doing, dad?”
His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”
Little Johnny replied, “What are you going to do, fuck him?”
Three old guys are sitting around complaining. The first guy says, “My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning, I almost cut my ear off.”
The second guy says, “My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast.”
The third guy says, “My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I ejaculated just taking my cock out.”
A young couple went to the doctor for their annual checkups. Afterward, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. “The good news,” he explained, “is that your fiancée has a particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before.”
The guy paled. “If that’s the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?”
“Well,” the doctor elaborated, “the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog’s vet.”
A farmer takes her three sons to the doctor for a medical exam for the first time in their lives.
The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. She goes home and wonders exactly what iron supplements are. Finally, she goes to the hardware store and buys iron ball bearings and mixes them into their food.
Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is pissing ball bearings. She tells him that it is normal because she had put them in his food. Later, the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping ball bearings. Again, she says that it is OK.
That evening the eldest son comes in very upset. He says, “Mom, you won’t believe what happened.”
She says, “I know, you’re passing ball bearings.”
“No,” he says. “I was out behind the barn jerking off and I shot the dog.”
A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. “Aren’t you a little young to be drinking, son?” he asked.
“That’s nothing,” the kid said after taking a swig of beer. “I got laid when I was three.”
“What? How did that happen?”
“I don’t remember. I was drunk.”
Two soldiers were chatting during their free time.
First Soldier: “Why did you join the Army?”
Second Soldier: “I didn’t have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the Army?”
First Soldier: “I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined.”
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how he was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. “Why all the attention?” the friend asked. “You look fine to me.”
“I know!” grinned the patient. “But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches.”
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