The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (93 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A young lady came home from a date feeling rather sad. She told her mother, “Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
Q. What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A. “See you next month!”
A city boy wants to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to ask her father. “I want to marry your daughter.”
“Well, my boy, you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter.”
“I’ll do anything for my love,” says the young man.
“You see that cow out in the pasture? Well, go screw it.”
A little puzzled the boy says, “OK, anything for my love.” On finishing the deed, he asks, “Now can I marry your daughter?”
“Nope,” says the father. “See that goat over yonder? Go screw it.”
Again the boy obliges and returns saying, “Now can I marry your daughter?”
“Nope. Not yet. One more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well, get to it.”
Once again, he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter.
So the father finally tells the boy, “Now you can marry my daughter.”
To which the boy replies, “Screw your daughter. How much do you want for that pig?”
Q. What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. You push them both aside and keep on eating.
There was a construction worker on the third floor of an unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself. He tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning “I”), then pointed at his knees (meaning “need”), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood, and then dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the third floor got pissed off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, “You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw.”
The other guy replied, “I know. I was trying to tell you that I was coming.”
One day a fireman was washing his fire engine and, conscious of someone behind him, turned around to see a little boy with a fireman’s outfit sitting in a little cart he had painted red. He had a rope tied around a dog’s neck and a rope tied around a cat’s testicles. The fireman said to the boy that his cart would go faster if he tied the rope that was around the cat’s testicles around the cat’s neck instead. The little boy thought for a moment and told the fireman the cart would go faster, but then he wouldn’t have a siren.
Important Press Release: The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant. In light of this they have now renamed it as “Y2 KY Jelly.”
A spokesman said, “The main benefit of this revision to our product is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two.”
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. “Check this out!” he happily exclaimed. “What do you think we should do with it?”
With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you’ve got all the wrinkles out, it would be a good time to wash it.”
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. “Don’t worry,” he assures her, “my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there’s no risk.” As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop! I forgot to bring my contraceptive!”
“No problem,” he replies, “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.”
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. “That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!”
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