The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (102 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As they take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deeper.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting they decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he’s studying medicine and that they’re not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man’s nose and asks him to blow, and, low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. “So,” the wife says, “what do you think he’ll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?”
“Well,” says the man, rubbing his nose, “from the smell of his fingers, I think he’s likely to be our son-in-law.”
A man stops by to visit his poor friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, “My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my slippers please?”
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend’s daughters, both very good-looking. Being the adventurous and quick-thinking kind, he says, “Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!”
They stare at him and say, “That can’t be!”
He replies, “OK, let’s check!” He shouts to his friend down the stairs, “Both of them?”
“Yes, both of them!”
Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey. He asks, “Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you’ve had a good night out?”
The first replies, “I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night.”
The second one replies, “I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night.”
The third one turns around and says, “If I get home, rip off my panties, throw them against the wall and they stick, then I know it was a good night!”
There are a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink. One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp. Then he turned to Bob and said, “Times are getting tough, my friend. I mean, just today my wife told me that she’s going to cut me back to only two times a week. I can’t believe it.”
At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff’s shoulder and said reassuringly, “You think you’ve got it bad—she’s cut some guys out all together.”
A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear: the jacket, the boots and the double-barrelled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvellous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. “This is my brother’s card. I’ll make an appointment for you to see him.”
The guy says, “Is your brother a doctor?”
“No,” doc replies, “he plays the flute. He’ll show you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other’s behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.
“She slept with nearly every man on the ship,” his wife reported.
The disheartened man then met with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
“How so?” the encouraged man asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”
A well-endowed young advertising secretary wore very tight clothes that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss called her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, “Is that for sale?”
“Of course not!” she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.
He replied quietly, “Then, I suggest you stop advertising it.”
A young man was lying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually working her way down his torso. The man was getting sexually excited as the masseuse approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. “You want to jerk off?” she asked.
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