The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (89 page)

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Authors: Rudy A. Swale

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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The seventy-year-old said, “Have I got a problem? Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour ‘cause my pee barely trickles out.”

“Heck, that’s nothing,” said the eighty-year-old. “Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the pot for hours because of my constipation. It’s terrible.”

The ninety-year-old said, “You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with that is, I don’t wake up until eleven!”

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Education class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. “Does anyone know what this is?” she asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sure, my daddy has two of them!”

“Two of them?!” the teacher asked.

“Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy’s teeth!”

Going to the brink of death and back in a nine-car pile-up on a two-lane road is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself. Hold on tight—particularly if it’s a rearender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

Two gay guys are in a bar and a beautiful blonde walks in wearing a tight T-shirt with no bra.

“God, look at that,” says one gay guy, “it’s enough to make you want to be a lesbian.”

Q. What’s another name for pickled bread?

A. Dill dough.

Crazy Mike walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Look, I’ve got three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once, so what have you got to keep me horny and potent all night?”

The pharmacist reaches down, unlocks a bottom drawer and brings up a box labeled “Viagra Extra Strength” containing single wrapped packets. He says, “Take one of these and you’ll go crazy for 12 hours.”

Crazy Mike replies, “Hell, give me three.”

The next day Mike returns to the same pharmacist, who smiles and asks, “Well, how’d it go?”

In answer, Mike pulls down his pants to display his penis that’s black and blue and blistered, one of the sorriest sights the pharmacist had ever seen.

Crazy Mike says, “Give me a tube of Icy Hot.”

The pharmacist replies in horror. “You’re not going to put Icy Hot on that, are you?”

Mike replies, “Hell, no, it’s for my arms. The girls didn’t show up.”

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.

“I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.” The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

“I’m a cop,” says the first man.

“Then we will shoot your penis off!” said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

“I’m a fireman,” said the second man.

“Then we will burn your penis off!” said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?”

And the third man answered, with a sly grin, “I’m a lollipop salesman!”

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed there, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in a voice she knew he must obey, “Jervis, I want you to take off my dress.”

This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair.

“Jervis,” she continued, “now take off my stockings and garter belt.”

Again, Jervis silently obeyed.

“Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties.”

Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them.

She looked sternly at him and said, “Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you’re fired!”