The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (91 page)

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Authors: Rudy A. Swale

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes
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In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
John woke up one morning with an enormous erection, so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to take a note to his wife. The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
 
Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take it to her husband. The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
 
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it to his wife. The note read:
The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
 
Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take it to her husband. The note read:
I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!
 
He who stands with hands in pockets feels foolish.
He who has holes in pockets feels nuts.
Two women were picking potatoes one autumn day. The first woman had two potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other woman and said, “These potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles.”
And the other woman said,
“Are his testicles that big?”
“No,” she commented, “they’re that dirty.”
Jon left for a two-day business trip, but he was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he’d left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door and walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.
She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit.
“Leave only one pint of milk,” she said. “Jon won’t be here for breakfast tomorrow.”
In a second grade class, a little girl asks, “Teacher, can my mommy get pregnant?”
“How old is your mother, dear?” asks the teacher.
“Forty,” she replies.
“Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant.”
The little girl then asks, “Can my big sister get pregnant?”
“Well, dear, how old is your sister?”
The little girl answers, “Nineteen.”
“Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant.”
The little girl then asks, “Can I get pregnant?”
“How old are you, dear?”
The little girl answers, “I’m seven years old.”
“No, dear, you can’t get pregnant.”
Then, the little boy behind the little girl pokes her and says, “See, I told you we had nothing to worry about.”
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. “Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice, sliced grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?”
He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of homemade soup maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”
Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to send out for some curry. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes.”
Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
“Well, then,” she says. “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”
One bright sunny morning, a husband turns to his lovely wife and says, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend. You, me and the dog.”
The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”
“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”
“Do I have to go fishing with you? I really don’t want to go!”
“OK, I’ll give you three choices: 1) You come fishing with me and the dog, 2) You give me a blow job, or 3) You take it up the ass!”
The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”
“Wife, I’ve given you three options. You’ll have to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle and when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back.
“Well! What have you decided? Fishing with me, blow job, or ass?”
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind. “OK, I’ll give you a blow job!”
“Great!” he says and drops his pants.
The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly, she stops, looks up at her husband, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting. It tastes like shit!”
“Yes!” says her husband. “The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”

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