The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (43 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, you’ve got to help me. My dick’s gone orange.”
The skeptical doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Sure enough the guy’s dick is bright orange.
Doc tells the guy, “This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person’s life.” Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doctor asks the guy, “How are things going at work?”
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago and the doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.
The guy responds, “No. The boss was a bastard. I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours. I’m getting paid double what I got on the old job and my new boss is really great.”
So the doc asks the guy, “How’s your home life?”
The guy says, “Well, I got divorced about eight months ago.”
The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guy’s stress.
The guy says, “No. For years all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch.”
So the doctor takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, “Do you have any hobbies or a social life?”
The guy replies, “No, not really. Most nights I sit at home, watch porno films and eat cheese puffs.”
There are three women who always hang their laundry out in the back garden. When it rains, of course, the laundry always gets wet—all the laundry except for Brenda’s. The other two women wonder why Brenda never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day they are all out in their back gardens putting their clothes on the line, when one of the women says to Brenda, “How come when it rains your laundry is never out?”
“Well,” says Brenda, “when I wake up in the morning I look over at Paul. If his prick is hanging over his right leg, I know it’s going to be a great day and I can hang the laundry outside. If his prick is hanging over his left leg, I know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang it out.”
“What if it is pointed up?” asks one of the women.
“Well,” says Brenda, “on a day like that you don’t do the laundry!”
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!”
Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy and says, “I just screwed your mom, and it was s-w-e-e-t!”
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom loved it!”
Finally, the guy just can’t take it anymore. He looks at the drunk and yells, “Go home, Dad! You’re drunk again!”
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough. They could not afford a larger house so the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/ cousin didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”
So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy, when he realized how truly backward these people were. This doctor instead told him to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count “1...2...3...4...5...” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...
A woman walks into the doctor’s office but doesn’t like the way he’s looking at her.
When he tells her to undress, she asks him to turn out the lights before she disrobes. After he turns out the lights she says, “Where will I put my clothes?”
“Hang them up over here,” he says. “Next to mine.”
At the end of a long work week, a group of coal miners discovered that one of them, young Billy, was a virgin. Well, they decided this wasn’t right, and pooled their money to remedy the situation. They talked him into going out for a night on the town, got him all cleaned up, and drove to the local brothel.
Upon entering, the ring leader went to the madam, explained the situation and gave her $100. She assured him she would sort Billy out and they all left Billy there to enjoy himself.
Being naive, Billy asked the madam what was going on. She explained to him that he was about to become a man, courtesy of his friends.
“All you have to do is choose one of my girls and she will take care of you.”
Well, Billy looked around at the group of women before him and, after several minutes of pondering, picked a likely looking girl to take upstairs.
Once they were in their room, the girl said to Billy, “I hear you’re a virgin boy. So what’s your pleasure? You want missionary, Greek, doggy style, ‘round the world’, 69 or what?”
Billy said, “Gosh, ma’am, give me what you think I ought to have.”
“No, boy, I’m a professional. You need to tell me what you want.”
Billy decided a 69 sounded pretty good, so they settled into the proper position. After several minutes of missing the target, Billy finally got it right and was starting to enjoy it. Sadly, the whore had beans for dinner and let loose a little fart in his face.
Billy shook his head, thinking it was part of the fun, and continued licking away.
A little while later, she passed wind again.
Billy still thought it was part of the fun and dived back in with a vengeance, licking like there was no tomorrow.
A few minutes later, she really let loose with a fart that curled Billy’s eyebrows.
He pushed her off his face and said, “I don’t want you to think I’m not enjoying myself or anything, but I’ll be dammned if I can take another 66 of those.”
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