The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (67 page)

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Authors: Rudy A. Swale

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes
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This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the bull auction. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off. “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, “See! That’s more than five times a month!”
The second bull is to be sold. “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”
Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s about 10 times a month. What do you say to that?” Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale. “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about you?”
The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, “Sure, once a day! Great! But you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!”
A man gets sent to prison and, as soon as he walks in, his huge, buff cellmate says to him, “We’re going to play house. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?”
After thinking about it for a minute the man slowly answers, “Well, if I have to choose, I guess I’ll be the daddy.”
“OK,” his cellmate says, “then get over here and suck mommy’s dick.”
After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. “Doctor,” he said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said. “Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “We’re pure Asian.”
“Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?”
The man seemed ashamed. “I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month.”
“There you have it!” the doctor said confidently. “It’s just rust.”
A man has to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decides to bring his wife. When they arrive at their hotel and are shown to their room, the man says, “You rest here while I register—I’ll be back within an hour.”
The wife lies down on the bed, and just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard that she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. “Look, lie here on the bed—you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”
So he lies down next to the wife. Just then, the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here?”
The manager replies, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”
Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a lieutenant and his wife were invited to the colonel’s home for an evening of bridge. The lieutenant was partnered with the colonel’s wife and vice versa.
After many hands, the lieutenant excused himself to use the bathroom, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize.
The colonel’s wife smiled demurely, “Don’t worry about it—this is the first time all evening that I’ve been able to tell what he has in his hand.”
This guy in a bar noticed a woman, always alone, who came in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
“No, thank you,” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult,” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But it has my husband pretty upset.”
A man decides to start a farm. So he walks into town to buy some animals. At the farmers’ market he first asks for a rooster.
“We don’t call them roosters here,” the clerk says snootily. “We call ’em cocks.”
So the man buys one cock, then points at another animal and asks, “What do you call that?”
The clerk replies, “That’s a pullet.”
The man agrees to buy one.
Finally, he asks for a donkey.
The clerk replies, “We don’t call them donkeys, we call ’em asses, but we only have one left and it’s very temperamental.”
“What’s wrong with it?” asks the man, who is determined to get a donkey.
“Once in a while it will stop walking and it won’t budge unless you scratch it behind the ears,” says the clerk.
The man decides to buy it anyway, and pays for all the animals before starting his walk home.
On the way, the donkey suddenly stops and doesn’t move.
But the man has his arms full with the rooster and pullet, so has to stop a woman who is passing by to ask for help.
“Pardon me,” he asks politely, “would you mind holding my cock and pullet, while I scratch my ass?”

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