The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (64 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
“What the hell do you think you are doing?” she asks.
One of the Japanese men replies, “We are all very hungry.”
The waitress asks, “So how is jerking off in this restaurant going to help the situation?”
A second businessman replies, “Because menu says, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED.”
James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives the woman a quick glance and then casually takes a look at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies. “Q’s just given me a state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it out.”
Intrigued, the woman asks, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
Bond coolly explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk telepathically.”
The lady says, “So what’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties,” says Bond.
The woman giggles and replies, “Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
Bond shakes his head, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”
Pinocchio bumps into his old pal Gepetto, the carpenter who made him.
Gepetto asks how he is doing with his girlfriend.
“Not bad,” Pinocchio says, “but when we have sex she keeps complaining about the splinters.”
“Don’t worry,” says Gepetto, “I’ll give you a sheet of fine sandpaper. That should fix the problem.”
A few weeks later, they meet again. “How are things with your girlfriend now?” asks Gepetto.
“Who needs a girlfriend?” Pinocchio replies.
Homer Simpson on getting women hot:
“Well, you know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.”
Two guys are camping. They are having a little conversation, when all of a sudden one guy yells, “I just got bitten by a snake on the tip of my penis.”
The other guy says, “Don’t worry, I’ll go into town and ask a doctor what to do.” So the guy goes to the nearest town and after 30 minutes he finds a doctor. He asks the doctor, “Doctor, my friend just got bitten by a snake. What can I do?”
The doctor says, “Calm down. All you have to do is suck the poison out.”
So the friend goes back to the campsite where his friend is lying on the ground.
He asks, “So what did the doctor say?”
The friend says, “The doctor says you’re going to die!”
A newlywed couple arrived back from their honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
“Care to go to bed?” the husband asked.
“Shh!” said his blushing bride. “These walls are paper thin. The neighbors will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code—like, ‘Have you left the washing machine door open’—instead.”
So, the following night, the husband asks, “I don’t suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?”
“No,” she snapped back, “I definitely shut it.” Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said, “I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all.”
“Don’t worry,” said the man. “It was only a small load so I did it by hand.”
A hunter is stalking in the jungle when he finds a sexy woman naked on a blanket.
He stares at her intently then says, “Are you game?”
“I sure am,” she purrs.
So he shoots her.
If you’re in a long term relationship, try the following to spice up your sex life: Get your lover, blindfold them, get some ropes and chains and tie them very tightly to the bed. Then go and have sex with someone else.
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