The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (49 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Women were asked what they would do if they had a penis for a day. These were the responses:
I would:Write my name in the snowPee off a tall buildingCheck out my boyfriend’s reflexesPin my boyfriend down and slap him in the face with itSee how many donuts I could carry with itI would want a big one and show it off to everyoneI would grab myself in public and not be embarrassedI would not lift the toilet seat while peeingI would love it and squeeze it and play with it all dayI would get it kicked to see if it really hurtsI would get it removedI would see what a woman felt like on the other endGo to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the bestStand up and jump up and down and watch it swing aroundI would measure it both waysI would play with him and make him roll over into the wet spotI would go into my boss’ office and lay it on his desk and say, “Where’s my raise?”I would find my ex-boyfriend and go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something newDemonstrate to my boyfriend that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everythingI would prod him all night long with it
Mick was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe to finish serving a customer.
When Joe was finished, Mary asked, “How much for the teapot?” Joe replied, “That’s silver and it costs $100!”
“My goodness, that’s a lot of money!” Mary exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Mick had sent her to buy and Joe went to the backroom to find a hinge.
From the backroom Joe yelled, “Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?”
To which Mary replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can’t. Finally, he goes to a world-renowned doctor for help.
The doctor examines him and says, “I’ve found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter.”
So the man asks, “What’s the cure, Doctor?”
To which the doctor replies, “We have to cut off 6 inches.”
The man thinks about it, and, eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.
Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes.
He wants the doctor to operate to reattach the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, “Hey, Doc, didn’t you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!”
Finally, the doctor responds, “F-f-f-f-f-fuck y-y-you!”
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh, my God, hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
“I can’t jump out of the window. It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could, but after a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.
“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free!”
Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”
“Oh, yes,” our friend answered, thinking quickly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”
“Nope... only when it’s raining.”
Q. How is being at a singles bar different from being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. “How do you breathe through something so small?”
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her, and she showed him into her living room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared some tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
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