The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (46 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A sign over a gynecologist’s office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
Q. What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
A. They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q. Why is marriage a three-ring circus?
A. First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and then the suffering.
A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.
“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”
He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out.
“What’s the matter, son?” asks the father.
“Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler.
Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely naked, just as his son had said.
“You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring Johnny!”
How to impress a woman: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go the ends of the earth for her.
How to impress a man: Turn up naked with beer.
A young man is out walking his dog in the park, when a beautiful young woman stops to admire the animal.
“What’s your dog’s name?” she asks flirtatiously.
“Herpes,” replies the dog’s owner.
“How odd!” exclaims the woman. “Why in the world did you name your dog Herpes?”
The young man replies, “Because he just won’t heel.”
Patrick O’Malley raised his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!” And he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife, “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “What was your toast?”
So he told her, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my wife.”
“Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.”
The next day, Mary ran into one of Patrick’s drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said, “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?”
She replied: “Yes—and I was a bit surprised. ‘Til now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
A man staying at a nice London hotel finds a card in the telephone box offering sexual services.
He calls the number and says, “I’d like some doggy-style, some sixty-nining and some mild bondage—is that OK?”
“It all sounds very interesting, sir,” the lady replies, “but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line first.”
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, “What’s that for?”
“It’s for your headache.”
“I don’t have a headache.”
“Gotcha!”
A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings.
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the hell would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.
“Who was that?” asks his wife.
“Wrong number. It was some idiot asking if the coast was clear.”
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