The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (42 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!”
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie’s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?” asks the startled Marie.
“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!”
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
“Pierre! What are you doing?” asks the bewildered Marie.
“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!”
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, “Pierre, kiss me lower!”
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, “PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”
Our hero stands up defiantly and says, “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!”
A salesman decides to try for a new job in a department store.
The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The man says, “Yeah, I’ve been a salesman all my life.”
The boss liked him, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the shop was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?”
The salesman says, “One.”
The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”
“$50,237.64.”
“$50,237.64?? What the hell did you sell him?”
“First, I sold him some fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said ‘down at the coast’, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that big twin engine job. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the car department and sold him a 4x4 Land Rover.”
The boss said, “Somebody came in here to buy fish hooks and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?”
“No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Well, since your weekend’s fucked, you may as well go fishing.’”
An attractive young woman had finished taking golf lessons from the club pro. She’d just started playing her first round of golf when she got a bee sting. The pain was so intense she decided to return to the clubhouse.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, “Why are you back so early? What’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee,” was her reply.
“Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.”
He nodded knowingly and said, “Then your stance is too wide.”
A man walks into a bar and says “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.”
The bartender says, “Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem.”
The man replies, “N-n-no k-k-k-idding!”
The bartender says, “I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since!”
The man says, “W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know...”
A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.”
The bartender says, “Why didn’t you try what I told you?”
“I d-d-did!” said the man. “It j-j-just d-d-didn’t w-w-work... ....b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!”
A middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.
It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any panties. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, “If that thing was full of ice cream, I’d eat every bite.”
Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.
The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn’t go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.
“Well,” the husband replied, “there are three reasons I won’t punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn’t have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no panties on. But most of all, I’m not going to punch anyone who’s big enough to eat that much ice cream!”
Humpty Dumpty sat on his bed,
As Little Bo Beep was giving him head,
Just as he came she began to weep,
She could tell by the taste,
He’d been screwing her sheep!!
This girl who is a total Beatles fanatic decides to get John Lennon and Paul McCartney tattooed onto her inner thighs. She takes their pictures to the tattoo artist who says he can do a perfect job of reproducing their images in ink on her inner thighs. Hours later, the job is done. The tattoo artist hands her a mirror, and she is shocked!
“That sucks...It doesn’t look anything like John or Paul!”
The tattoo artist is offended. “Of course it does. That looks just like them! Tell you what, ask the first person you see, and I’ll bet you $10 that they say they look just like John and Paul.”
She takes him up on it, but the place is empty and the first person she finds is an old wino sitting outside on the sidewalk. They call the wino inside. She sits in the chair, spreads her legs and points to the tattoos, “Does this look like John Lennon and Paul McCartney to you?”
The old wino squints, scratches his head, burps, and slurs, “Well, lady, I don’t know about John Lennon and Paul McCartney, but that guy in the middle looks just like Willie Nelson.”
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