The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (20 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
Q: How do you know when you’re really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “What is the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?”
The mother replied, “Of course I would! I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, “Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!”
The boy pondered for a while, then went back to his dad who asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?”
The boy replied, “No, sir,” and tells his father the replies he’d been given.
“Well, son,” the father replied. “Surely it’s obvious: Potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars but, realistically, we’re living with two sluts.”
A man out shopping bought some new condoms. When he got home, his wife noticed the brand. “Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?” she asked.
“There are three colors,” he replied. “Gold, silver and bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.
“Gold, of course,” said the man.
“Really?” she said. “Why don’t you wear silver—it would be nice if you came second for a change!”
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird but there are no laws preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it’s a good thing.
The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.
This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, “If that guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.”
Sure enough, the next day the same man is back. He buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.
The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
“Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies, “Your house.”
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden, a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her pussy.
The woman started screaming, “Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my pussy!”
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if the young man would permit.”
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out. The doctor said, “OK, what I’m going to do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow it out.”
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said, “Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it.”
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, slipped it into young lady. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.” So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud, “Oh, Doctor, Doctor!” she shouted.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.
At this point the husband suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, “Now wait a minute. What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plan, I’m going to drown the bastard!!”
A Catholic school girl is engaged to be married. A few days before the wedding she goes on a carriage ride with her mother. “Mom, my hands are cold.”
“Stick them between your legs and they’ll warm up,” says her mother.
The following day she goes on a carriage ride with her fiancé, “My hands are cold,” he says.
“Stick them between my legs and they’ll warm up,” she says.
The day after that they again go on a carriage ride. “My nose is cold,” says the fiancé.
“Stick it between my legs and it’ll warm up,” says the girl.
The third day they are out on another carriage ride. “My penis is cold,” says the boy.
“Stick it between my legs and it will warm up.”
The girl returns home after the carriage ride and says, “Mom, do you know what a penis is?”
“Yes,” answers the mother.
Then the girl tells her, “They sure do make a mess when they thaw out.”
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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