The Fire Inside (30 page)

Her lips trembled. “I want my daddy.”

“I know, honey.”

She clutched a faded blue bear, old and well
loved. “He gave this to me. To hold when he wasn’t here.”

Jack choked back emotion. The bear would be
used, a lot, from now on. “Come with me a minute. Maybe we can draw
over by the window.”

Uncurling herself from Ian, she slid her hand
in Jack’s. Lisel gave him a grateful smile. The little girl didn’t
need to know yet she was about to lose her father. He managed to
get her settled at a table with paper and crayons.

“I’m gonna make a picture for Daddy, for when
he wakes up,” she said innocently. Jack bit his lip so hard he
tasted blood.

They were drawing pictures of fire trucks
when suddenly the waiting room went silent. He glanced up to see
Noah’s doctor had come out to speak to the family.

o0o

The recruits were in chairs and on the floor
of Olive’s living room, sharing secrets, when Tess’s phone rang.
She looked to Olive. Olive’s eyes widened. Tess checked the caller
ID and saw it was Jack. They were about to get the bad news.

Her heart heavy—Tess knew what it was like to
get this call—she clicked into the phone, gripping it so tight her
hand hurt.

“Tess, it’s Jack.”

“Hi.” She couldn’t say more.

She didn’t have to. “Tess, oh God, Tess, it’s
a miracle. Noah woke up.”

o0o

When Jack finally got in to see the chief,
his face was almost as white as the sheets tucked around him. The
lines at the corner of his eyes had deepened. Yet he’d insisted on
seeing every last one of the people waiting outside. Beside him,
Eve clutched his hand. Her complexion was normal, her eyes
brighter, now that Noah was out of the woods. But Jack knew the
aftermath of this kind of trauma would be long standing.

Noah smiled at Jack. “Hey, buddy, I wondered
when you’d come in.”

“I waited till the others got their chance to
visit.” After the adrenaline high of finding out Noah was okay,
Jack’s body was limp and his temples pounded. He couldn’t remember
the last time he’d eaten.

“You all gave up on me.” Jack couldn’t read
Noah’s tone.

“Hell, the doctors told us to expect the
worst. I guess we had a miracle in the department.”

“Thank God.” Eve kissed their clasped
hands.

“I hear you staunched the blood right after I
was shot and kept me alive.”

“Nothing anyone else wouldn’t have done.”

His friend’s brows furrowed. “We lost three.
The doctors said the injured would recover.”

“It’s a tragedy.”

Lying back, the chief sighed heavily. “Eve
said they ID’d the shooter and he had no connection with the fire
department.”

“Which is good, Noah. If he’d been one of us,
this whole thing would be more of a nightmare.”

“Yeah, it would.”

“Since he shot himself, too, the police don’t
know his motive.”

His friend closed his eyes briefly. “I can
barely think about all this.”

“Then, don’t. Just get some rest. You have a
whole staff to tend to the others.”

Eve got up and saw Jack to the door. “I can’t
thank you enough, Jack, for being there for him at the scene. And
here, for us. We couldn’t have survived without you.”

“That’s not true. You’re all very strong. But
I’m glad I could help.” He kissed Eve’s cheek. “I’ll stop by
tomorrow.”

After he spoke to those still lingering in
the waiting room downstairs, Jack headed to his car. All he wanted
was to find a cave to hide in, to forget about what had happened
with Tom Senate and the others, but he had to check in with the
recruits. He owed them and the teachers that. Then he’d go home and
collapse.

He found them all outside in Olive’s
backyard. The warm air felt good after the air-conditioning of the
hospital, but Jack still felt cold inside. Pasting on a smile, he
walked through the gate.

“Yay! Captain Harrison is here.” Murphy
crossed to him. “Chief Hennessey said we could dispense with
protocol when we got the good news.” He slapped Jack on the back.
“Isn’t it’s great about Chief Callahan?”

The rest of the recruits greeted him, too.
Jack endured the celebration as best he could. But as each minute
passed, the three deaths, and his part in Tom’s, ate away at him.
When the kids finally left and he was alone with Olive and Tess,
the three of them dropped into Adirondack chairs.

Olive nodded to the gate. “They grew up a lot
today.”

Jack said, “Tragedy does that for
people.”

Brows narrowed, Olive’s face darkened.

“What’s wrong, Olive?” Tess asked.

“I’m thinking about McCabe, Lawson and
Senate.” She bit her lip. “I haven’t been letting this in, but I
wish I had talked Tom into staying at the Academy. He’d be alive
now.”

“Olive, you can’t feel guilty about that.”
Jack came to the edge of his seat. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“I don’t feel guilty. I feel bad. There’s a
big difference.”

“He jumped to that conclusion because
he
feels guilty about Tom Senate.”

“Tess!” he snapped. “You’re out of line.”

Anger flared in her dark eyes and she sat
forward, too. “Fuck it, Jack.” She looked at Olive. “He thinks if
he never started the Recruit Concerns class, Senate would have
taught the class.”

“If you never started the Recruit Concerns
class, those kids who just left wouldn’t have made the strides they
did today.” Olive’s voice was sharp now. “You’ve been feeling this
since last night?”

Jack scowled but didn’t speak.

“Yes, he has.”

“Well, Doc,” Olive said again, “That’s just
stupid.”

“I told him that.”

His eyeballs pinging back and forth between
them, Jack felt as if he’d been ganged up on by the Amazons.

o0o

Six days later, after the last of the three
firefighter funerals, Jack accidentally met up with Tess in the
Academy gym, where he’d come to run off some of the negative
feelings he still harbored inside him. When she reached where he
stood, he fell in step beside her.

“Tess.”

“Jack.”

The greetings were cold and hollow—or maybe
it was a reflection of what he felt inside himself. “The funerals
were moving.”

“The pageantry of a firefighter or police
funeral always is.”

Thinking about the slow mourn of the
bagpipes, the trucks draped with black bunting, hundreds of men and
women in dress blues made his mood worsen. “Yeah.” He waited. “I,
um, haven’t seen you around much.”

“I’ve been busy with the recruits.” She
didn’t look at him, hadn’t spared him more than a glance. “You
canceled the last two Recruit Concerns classes, so we’ve had to
take up the slack.”

“I thought it was best.”

“So, what’s new? You always think you know
what’s best.”

Unable to read her, he shut up but kept
jogging with her. Finally, he couldn’t stand it. “How have you
been?”

“I’m coping, Jack, which is more than I can
say for you.”

That’s it
. He halted and snagged her
arm so she had to stop, too. “What’s with the cryptic remarks?”

Her brown eyes flared like hot coals. “Are
you kidding?”

“You’re mad at me?” The notion outraged him.
It felt good to replace the nothingness with some kind of
emotion.

“Of course I’m mad at you. Look at you. Your
eyes are bloodshot, your face is lined with fatigue, your whole
stance stiff and unyielding. Instead of moving on, you’re wallowing
in self-pity.”

“Moving on with you? In case you’ve
forgotten, you were the one who broke off the relationship with
me.”

“Yeah, I was pissed. I would’ve gotten over
it. I
have
gotten over it. We could have fixed things
between us. But instead, you shut out me, the recruits,
everybody.”

“I’m doing my job, Tess.”

“Sure you are.”

She started running again, and again, he
caught up with her. “Look, I’ll admit I haven’t been myself. But
I’m entitled to my grief.”

Staring straight ahead, she quipped, “Then,
you got it. Let me know when you’re done feeling sorry for
yourself.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

She stopped of her own volition this time. He
was struck by her anger and, at the same time, sabotaged by how he
wanted to hold that beautiful body close again and take comfort in
her. “I’ll spell it out for you. I don’t want a relationship with
you until you reconcile this whole thing.”

“Thanks for the sympathy.”

“You don’t need sympathy. You need a swift
kick in the ass.”

“Consider it given.”

“Yeah, well, let me know when you’re
better.”

He glared at her.

“But don’t wait too long.” She started to run
again. Then looked over her shoulder at him. “I got a date with
Cory Cameron tonight.”

Well, hell, he thought as he walked off the
floor. He’d never expected
this
!

o0o

Pissed off royally at Tess, Jack took two
days furlough from his job and drove down to visit his kids at
State College. The campus was truly beautiful: sun glistened off
the buildings, trees had filled out and turned a lush green, and
flowers bloomed everywhere. Since only a small number of classes
were held for the first-session summer school, and many of the
staff had taken a month off, the grounds were also absent of their
usual hustle and bustle. As he opened the door to the student
union, he was glad he’d thought of coming here. He needed a good
dose of Sara and Seth to cheer him up. As he found a seat—there
were only scattered tables with occupants—he thought of Tess’s
words:
Let me know when you’ve decided to stop feeling sorry for
yourself
. How dare she?

After he waited a few minutes, his daughter
bounced into the place with someone. Shit, her denim dress was too
short. And he didn’t want to have lunch with her friends. She raced
over, and as always, when he stood, she threw herself at him.
“Daddy!”

“Sweetheart.” He held her tight, relishing
the solid, alive feel of her.

When she drew back, she tugged on the other
guy’s arm. “Dad, this is the professor I’m working for thie summer,
Michael King.”

The man put out his hand. “Good to meet you,
Jack.”

Jack shook. “You, too.”

He smiled affectionately at Sara. “You’ve got
quite a daughter here.”

“Yeah?”

“She’s influencing my research. She’s come up
with some ideas for a thread I should follow that I hadn’t thought
of. She’s a risk taker, I think, but in a good way.”

“Not always, Michael.”

“I guess you’ve got to take the good with the
bad.” He touched Sara’s arm. “See you, tomorrow.”

They sat. Jack said, “He seems nice.”

“He is.” Her face sparked with mischief.
“Don’t worry. I’m not attracted to him.”

“I’m not worried about that.”

“No, but you would have been later when you
got home.”

Just then, Seth appeared at the table,
wearing khaki cargo shorts and a white T-shirt, again seeming young
and healthy. He gave his Dad an awkward hug, as Jack was seated.
Seth got everybody coffee, then dropped down next to his
sister.

Sara touched Jack’s arm. Her big blue eyes
were filled with sympathy. “How are you, Dad? All that stuff with
the shooting. I wish you’d let us come home.”

“I was busy every second.”

“I’ll bet.” She studied him. “Want to talk
about it?”

“No, I don’t. Truthfully, I’d like to escape
the fire department for a bit.”

“Then, tell us about Tess.” Sara wiggled her
brows. “Did she take care of you during all this?”

She would have
, he thought.
If I’d
let her.

“Yeah, she did.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, except that I feel bad about
everything that happened.”

“Not bad.” Seth’s gaze narrowed on him.
“Hell, Dad, you look guilty.”

He’d forgotten how astute Seth was. When he
was feeling particularly lonely and overwhelmed or when something
was wrong at work, Seth had always sensed it.

“The internet said the guy was a torch. He’d
set fires all over New York City. Then he started shooting people.
You aren’t blaming yourself for that, are you, Dad?”

“Of course he’s not. Why would he?” Sara, on
the other hand, never saw through him.

“Look at him, sis. We know that expression in
his eyes. Every time we did something wrong or you missed one of my
games or her dance recitals, you got that expression that said,
I blew it with you guys
.”

“I did?” Jack was open mouthed.

“Yeah.” Seth’s expression was impatient. “You
gotta get over things. Be easier on yourself.”

“You could take lessons from me,” Sara
quipped, only half joking. “I get over everything too fast.”

Astounded, Jack leaned back and watched his
children. He had no idea they knew he’d been guilt ridden all his
life at the times he let them down, because, as a single parent, he
couldn’t do everything. Shit, essentially they were saying the same
thing as Tess.

o0o

“So, why hasn’t Jack been around for a week?
You sneaking over to his place?”

Tess and Mitch had come out to the back patio
after dinner. Her cousin had asked the question out of the blue. It
had been almost two weeks since the shooting. Mitch still wasn’t
back at work, and he was nosing into everybody’s business.

“We, um, we’re taking some time apart.”

“Honey, I know I gave him a hard time at
first, but he’s my best friend outside of the family. I’d be happy
to see you with him.”

“We’ve got problems, Mitch.” She wouldn’t
betray Jack’s secrets. If he wanted Mitch to know about his
suffering over Tom Senate’s death, he would tell him. “We have to
work them out.”

“By staying away from each other?”

“Yeah, well, he did take a couple of days
off.”