The Fire Inside (28 page)

Eve, unable to talk, shook her head. Ian
said, “No thanks.”

Taking a seat next to Eve, not saying
anything, Jack waited with them until the doctor came out. Eve
bolted up.

Even the doctor was pale. “Noah’s still
alive. But he’s unconscious, and that worries us.”

“What does that mean?” Eve asked.

“It’ll be touch-and-go, Mrs. Callahan, when
we operate. The bullet went right through him, but it nicked an
artery. We have to fix it ASAP.”

Ian gripped her hand. “Right now?”

The doctor nodded. “He’s being prepped as we
speak. I have to go, but I’ll send out updates.” He squeezed Eve’s
arm and nodded to Ian, then walked away.

Eve burst into tears. Ian tugged her onto his
lap. Jack saw Ian’s eyes fill, too. Jack didn’t offer platitudes.
They were firefighters and knew death could come at any time.

To give them their privacy, Jack walked over
to the other side of the room. He’d never felt more helpless in his
life.

o0o

The news of Noah’s condition shocked
everyone. As Tess watched the scene unfold between Ian and his
sister, she was almost leveled by their sadness.

Zach, who’d gone to check on Sabina, came
back to her. “The doctor says we can go in and see Mitch.”

“You first,” she told him. “I want to talk to
Jack.”

When the family left, Tess crossed to the
window where he stood facing out, his shoulders stiff, his head
down. As if in sympathy, the sky had filled with ominous gray
clouds. “Jack?”

He turned.

“I’m so sorry about what’s happened.”

“Me, too. I have to go meet with the families
of the three people who died.” He swallowed hard. “One was Tom
Senate.”

His face got so bleak she wanted to hold him.
But something stopped her. He had a remoteness about him. Suddenly,
she realized it was his coping mechanism. She wouldn’t try to
breach his defenses.

“I hope I can be strong for them. He has a
wife, son and daughter.”

“Why wouldn’t you be? You’re skilled in these
situations.”

The grief in his eyes deepened. “I—if I
hadn’t—it’s my… Never mind. I have to go.”

“We’ll talk later.”

“Maybe.”

Staring after him, she tried to decipher what
he was saying. It was about Tom Senate. Ah, now she remembered. He
was the line firefighter who had signed up for Academy teaching,
but Tess had taken his place. Was he mad at her for that? No, this
wasn’t about her. Oh hell! Could it be guilt?

“Tess, I came out to get you.” Her cousin
frowned. “You okay?”

“Zach,” she said grabbing his hand. “I think
Jack feels responsible for Tom Senate’s death.”

“What? Why?”

“He quit the Academy because of Jack’s class.
If he hadn’t…”

“That’s ridiculous, but you’re right. That’s
exactly how Harrison would feel.” He glanced around. “Where is
he?”

“He went to console the families of the
deceased.”

“Shit. He’ll suffer through this alone.”

Shaking her head, Tess stood straighter. “Not
if I have anything to say about it.”

“Let’s go see Mitch. He’ll have some
suggestions about dealing with Jack.”

Zach slid his arm around her. He felt solid
and strong, and she needed that now. Together, they walked down the
corridor to see Mitch, but Tess’s mind was still on the hurting
doctor.

o0o

The next morning, Jack stood by the window,
staring out again, this time in his office. Contrary to yesterday,
the sun beat down harshly on the buildings nearby and on the
pavement of the road that ran by the Academy. Cars whizzed by. The
outdoors was too busy and bright, too cheery for what the immediate
future held. He’d hardly slept because he was dreading the day to
come. From previous experience, he knew he’d be bombarded with
people who wanted talk about the three deaths, the seven injuries
and the fact that even though Noah’s surgery had gone well, he was
still unconscious. The chief could die, Jack knew, and that notion
clenched his heart like a jagged vise, so much so, he pressed his
chest with his hand to stop the pain.

Then there would be the recruits to deal
with. Their training couldn’t continue as normal today. He didn’t
know what Olive was planning, but it probably included him. He
whispered,
Please, God, give me the strength. And forgive
me.

No, no. He wouldn’t think about himself
now.

A knock sounded on the door. “Come in.” He
turned expecting to find Olive. For a brief moment, when he saw
Tess, his whole body lightened. He wanted to hug her close to him
and never let go. Instead, he said evenly, “Tess?”

“Hi. I came to fill you in on our plans for
the recruits today.”

He was glad she was all business.
Firefighters had to be disciplined and get beyond their emotions,
like she was doing right now. “Tell me.”

Coming closer, she stopped far enough away
that he couldn’t smell her lotion or see the little pulse in her
neck. “First, we’re going to take them outside on a long jog. They
can work off some of their anxiety and sadness that way.”

“Good idea.”

“After the run, we’re serving coffee and
donuts, and Olive will talk to them about risks firefighters face
every day. It’ll be hard, but safety, or lack thereof, has to be
brought out into the light after yesterday.”

“You should let them ask any questions they
have afterward.”

Her hands fisted at her sides. “We’re
planning to.”

“Do you want me there for all this?”

She gave him a sad smile. “We thought you’d
be too busy with the rest of the department. We can handle the kids
on our own.”

“I’ll come to the beginning of the meeting.
Let me know when you get back from the jog.”

“Will do.”

“And thanks for planning all that. I
will
be swamped today.”

“I know, which is why we’re going to have
this
talk.” Turning, she went to the door and locked it.

Looked like her firefighter reserve had a
crack. This time, she came in very close. He backed up, like a
coward. “I know you now, Jack. I know what you’re feeling.”

“Yeah, well, Tess, it’s dangerous to think
you know everything.” His bitter, bitter tone shocked him.

“What are you referring to, exactly?”

“That wasn’t meant as a criticism of
you.”

“No, it was of yourself.”

Hopelessness filling him, he looked away.

“I figured it out last night when you didn’t
return any of my calls. You think you’re responsible for Tom
Senate’s death.”

He stared at her silently. Hearing it said
aloud cut him to the bone.

“You’re not,” she told him. “But nobody’s
going to convince you otherwise right now. I just want you to know
we figured this out.”

“We?”

“I told the family.”

“Fuck it, Tess. They don’t need my problems
now.”

“Mitch is home.”

He shook his head. “He’s gotta be worried
sick about Noah.”

“We all are.”

“Then, go tend to them. And to the recruits
who I also fucked up.” He hadn’t meant to say that aloud, but the
notion plagued him, was in the forefront of his mind.

She folded her arms over her chest, which
meant she wasn’t leaving. “What are you saying?”

“I failed with them, too, and look where it
got Mauro. I was so sure the Recruit Concerns class was a good
idea. But it wasn’t. Has anyone seen him?”

“Not today.” The expression on her face was
odd—softer, he guessed.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

“I talked to him yesterday. Things aren’t as
bad as you think. But we can discuss him later.” She lifted her
arms to hug him.

“Don’t, Tess.”

“Take some comfort from me,” she whispered
softly.

“I don’t want comfort.”

“Jack…”

“Please, Tess, don’t make this about me, or
me and you.” His voice rose a notch. “There’s a lot of hurting
people out there, scared people. We have to take care of them.”

“Fine.” She stepped back. “I’ll let you put
your guilt aside, for now, but you’ll talk about it
eventually.”

“We’ll see.” He looked down at her and was
astounded at the love in her face. He almost reached out to her,
but he held back. He had to be stoic. “Now go take care of the
recruits, and yourself, too.”

“Same goes for you, Jack.”

o0o

The jog had turned into a run. It was too hot
for all out running, but the instructors allowed the recruits to
set the pace. Back at the Academy, they headed into the classroom,
most dripping with sweat. Fatigue etched itself out on each of
their faces, and Tess was sure nobody got much sleep last
night.

Olive, who hadn’t even conducted roll call,
addressed them. “No need to change into your uniforms. Get your
donuts and coffee. We’re taking it easy for the rest of today.”

Questioning looks abounded. Of course. The
instructors had been rigid about routines. Too rigid? Tess, too,
was questioning her role in everything, like Jack. Only she wasn’t
beating up on herself for mistakes she might have made.

While the kids gathered around the coffee
urn, murmuring among themselves, Danny Mauro approached her and
Olive. Tess hadn’t told anybody about what’d happened last night
between her and the kid.

“Mauro.” Olive’s voice gravelly. There was no
bite in her words.

“Chief. Captain.” He focused on Olive. “I
know what I did yesterday has to be dealt with. I apologize for my
actions. But maybe you should just concentrate on helping the other
recruits today.”

“Yesterday seems minor now, Danny.” Olive
choked back emotion. “We’ll talk later this week.”

Danny glanced at Tess. “I won’t be here later
this week. I came today because I think I might be able to help the
others with what’s happened. No arrogance meant in that. Both my
dad and my brothers have gone through deaths of guys on the line,
and by osmosis, I have, too.”

“That’ll help, Danny.” Olive stared over his
shoulder. “There’s Dr. Harrison. If you’ll excuse me…”

Tess didn’t look at Jack. She’d said her
piece this morning. And she meant what she’d said. She’d give him
space now, but what was between them was far from over. Instead,
she gave Mauro what passed for a smile. “You doing okay,
Danny?”

“After all this, I feel foolish for whining
yesterday. For pouting all these weeks.”

“You’re entitled to your feelings. But I
understand them, too. I feel bad for whining about my ankle.”

“Thanks for saying that.”

Cocking her head, she noted that despite his
sorrow, his brown eyes were clear and his wide shoulders relaxed.
She realized she’d never seen him this way. The burden he’d been
carrying around for over a month had been a heavy weight on his
shoulders and not the
chip
they’d all assumed he had. “Why
won’t you be here at the end of the week?”

“I plan to tell my parents that firefighting
isn’t for me.” He waved his hand to encompass the classroom.
“They’ll probably think I’m a coward, that I’m just afraid now, but
I’ll handle it.”

“Good for you. And thanks for coming in
today.”

“Can I say one more thing?”

“Sure.”

“You helped me last night when I’d done
nothing but try to alienate you. I’m not sure why, but I’ve learned
from that. About forgiveness, for others and myself.”

“What a nice thing to say.” Tess squeezed his
arm. And thought,
I wish we could convince the doc about
that.

After Danny went to sit down, Olive called
the recruits to gather. Chairs were dragged into a semicircle
around the instructors, the sound unnaturally loud. Only Quinn
Frazier and Tess and Olive were in attendance. Tony was off with
his crew, of course, because Jackson McCabe had been one of theirs.
Jenkins knew the battalion chief who’d been killed. And Larissa was
with the medics.

Olive squared her shoulders and scanned them
all. “We’d like you to get your feelings about what happened last
night out in the open. I’m hurting, too, a lot, as are the rest of
your teachers, so let’s be kind to each other.”

Subtly, Jack leaned forward. “We know you’re
scared, maybe questioning whether you even want to be a
firefighter. But try to reserve judgment for a week or so. Big
decisions shouldn’t be made in desperate times.”

“You’ve covered safety on the fire ground in
class,” Olive said. “And you’ll be talking about it again, today.
But it’s obvious that you are never really safe on the line.”

“Nobody’s safe.” This from Mauro.

Olive stirred, expecting trouble.

“Airplanes are sabotaged and crash. Kids are
shot in big cities when they’re on the playground. The world is
full of risks.”

Murphy nodded. “I agree. But firefighters
walk into danger intentionally, so we’re
more
at risk.”

Cruz spoke up, too. “In the big scope of
things, today isn’t any different from yesterday. We’ve known all
along that firefighting is a dangerous job. Sure, we aren’t
expecting to be shot at when we go to a fire, and I
don’t
feel safe out there, but I never did.”

“That’s an interesting point, Anita.” Jack’s
voice was calm. “Does anyone want to share his or her feelings,
other than fear, now?”

Mauro waved at Jack. “I would.” He glanced
around. “First, I wanna apologize to all of you for how I behaved
these last few weeks. You’ll know why I’ve been such a jerk soon.
But, right now, I feel sorry for the families of the people who
died or were injured. And for Chief Callahan.”

“Danny,” Tess said. “You told me your father
and brothers have dealt with deaths in the line of duty. Want to
tell us how they coped?”

“Mostly by being with other firefighters.
You’d think they’d heal quicker by spending time with their wife
and kids, but it wasn’t that way for them. They turned to each
other. Dad said it was the only thing that helped. I know my
brothers admitted more of their emotions to their colleagues than
he ever would have to us.”