The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (29 page)

What kinds of flowers and other decorations do you want?

What do you want your invitations to look like?

Will you exchange rings? If so, do you want them custom-designed?

What sort of honeymoon would you like? Can you get enough time off from work?

B
EGINNING TO FEEL
overwhelmed? Do you already have little notes written on Post-its and napkin scraps stuck in your appointment book, scattered on your desk at work, and sitting on your bedside table? Do the notes read: “Find baker,” “Lose weight before buying new suit,” and “fmp to Linfqr”? (No, we can't figure out what that last one means, either.)

One of the basic tenets of wedding planning is that this sort of thing either comes to you naturally or it doesn't. If it does, you know who you are; you're the person who's always asked to divide up the check when seven friends meet at a restaurant. You never have trouble putting your finger on Rufus Wainwright's
Poses
because all your CDs are alphabetized. You've been working toward an event like this all your life. However, if you're not one of those naturally organized people, do not despair. Throughout the book are lists designed to act as reminders; in this chapter you'll find a series of odds and ends with which to arm yourself as you go out into the cold, cruel world of wedding planning.

From now on, if a gay person in California wants to get hitched, they will do it the way God wants: to Liza Minnelli.

—
S
TEPHEN
C
OLBERT
, discussing the passage of Proposition 8, on
The Colbert Report

Stephanie Winston, in her bestselling book,
Getting Organized: The Easy Way to Put Your Life in Order,
explains that there is always an essential priority around which all other components group themselves. Once you determine what it is you want to achieve, Ms. Winston writes, practical solutions will flow fairly easily. Sounds simple enough. So, what is your essential priority?

Take some time right now to flesh out what it
is you want and care most about in the wedding lineup. Sure, almost everyone plans on having flowers, but if you're a lover of flowers and going wild with blooms is of primary importance to you, by all means do it. Your priorities are just that—
yours—
and no one should be able to talk you out of them. These may include touches that would seem downright ridiculous to others, but for you the event won't spell
wedding
unless they're there. Provided your partner agrees, you should have them.

No matter what you come up with in your designation of the highest and lowest priorities, the list will always lead you back to… money.

DIFFERENT PRIORITIES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS

• elaborate wedding clothes

• a gourmet reception with free-flowing champagne

• flying in friends and family from around the country

• great dance band

• exchanging vows in an unexpected location

• state-of-the art invitations

Can I have a great wedding that's an affordable event?
Yes.

Is it possible to go over budget—but be able to pay for the little extras over a period of time?
Yup.

Can I totally overdo it and end up with my savings account gone, my charge cards filled to the max, and my credit rating ruined forever?
Uh-huh.

According to
Money
magazine, of the 2.2 million couples who got married in 2007, at least half paid a portion of their own wedding costs. In other words, the days of Mom and Dad footing the entire bill are pretty much over, even for the straightest of couples.

Some couples we spoke with were reluctant to take money from their parents because they wanted this event to be their own special creation, without any interference. Plus, if you come from a family that would have kicked in some bucks for your wedding if you were marrying Samantha instead of Sam, it's possible that back when they found out you were gay, they spent your wedding dowry on new wall-to-wall carpeting or patio furniture.

Still, funds for the wedding might come from parents, older “chosen family” members, aunts, uncles, or close friends who want to kick in some cash and lend a hand. Family members sometimes underwrite a specific portion of the costs such as the flowers or the photographer.

Finances, as you must know by this point in your life, are a delicate subject, capable of toppling even the most solid relationship. Go easy as you and your partner figure out what each of you expects and what you can afford. If it's just the two of you and this is the first financial planning you've ever done together, things might get a little more complex than you had anticipated. But look at it this way: you're getting good practice for your future years together. You may decide to pool your funds, or each of you may choose to be responsible for particular parts of the wedding; either way, it's important to determine where the cash is coming from and how the dollars will be allocated.

Basic Budget Sheet

Deciding where to spend your money brings you back once again to priorities. When you look at the following items, think in terms of (1) what you have your heart set on; (2) what you can do without; and (3) what you hadn't thought about previously, but find, well… delightful.

THE CEREMONY

———Fee for site

———Fee or donation for officiant

STATIONERY

———Invitations and enclosures

———Postage

———Thank-you cards

———Printed matchbooks, ribbons, napkins

ATTIRE

———Gown or formal wear

———Shoes

———Accessories (veils, jewelry, etc.)

THE RECEPTION AND CATERING

———Fee for site

———Food (cost per person)

———Liquor

———Staff

———Rentals (linens, china, tables, sound equipment, etc.)

———Parking

———Favors and giveaways

———Gratuities

MUSIC AND ENTERTAINMENT

———Ceremony music

———Reception entertainment

———Band

———Disc Jockey

WEDDING CAKE

———Baker's fees

———Cake top

PHOTOGRAPHY AND VIDEOGRAPHY

———Reception and ceremony shots

———Formal portraits

———Wedding album and extra prints

———Videography and DVD copies

FLOWERS

———Ceremony and reception arrangements

———Bouquets

———Boutonnieres

RINGS

———Engagement rings

———Wedding bands

PREWEDDING ENTERTAINMENT

———Luncheons and other parties

———Entertaining out-of-town guests

———Rehearsal dinner

TRANSPORTATION

———Limousines

———Car rentals

———Airfares

THE HONEYMOON

———Transportation

———Lodging

———Meals

EXTRAS

———Gifts for those who helped

———Guest book

———Toasting glasses

———Cake knife

———Wedding website and apps

———General slush fund

Okay, now it's time to sit down and compose, as you would a beautiful song, a realistic wedding budget that will give you some semblance of control in an area that could easily turn into quicksand. Making a budget is the easy part; the hard part is sticking to it. Be prepared: almost all of the couples we spoke with told us that they ended up spending more money than they had set out to when they first decided to get married. They didn't regret spending the extra money; in fact, almost everyone would do it again (and some couples would even do it bigger). But the unexpected costs threw everyone a curve.